528,000 Feet - Writers Forum

kingajcice · 01-24-2008, 01:42 PM

Baby, I can't sleep at night
Cuz Baby, of what I feel inside,

It makes me fall, down to my knees,
Baby, Oh can't you see?

This is hurting me, it's hurting me.
Can't you see, this is, hurting, me, baby,

Chorus
______
I'd walk a hundred miles,
I'd swim a thousand leagues,
I'd walk a hundred miles,
If you'd be back with me,
Back with me,
______

Baby, I don't know what to do,
and Baby, You're something I can not lose,

It makes me fall, down to my knees,
Baby, Oh I can't breath,

Baby, this is hurting, ME!

Chorus

Hundred miles,
a Thousand Leagues,
I'd kill a million men,
if I could just see...

Chorus * 2

Hundred miles!

thamior · 01-24-2008, 08:39 PM

Hmmm, I'm trying to find a way to put a positive spin on this, because I would rather encourage writing than discourage someone. This lyric lacked a lot of substance to me. I can't claim to be the most original writer, though I hope some of what I write is original (or as original as a human being can be), the problem I have with this lyric is that there doesn't seem to be a single line that I couldn't find in another lyric, and its message resounds much the same as a number of other lyrics.

Think about what you want to say, consider it deeply, let the images play in your mind, then write it, you might be surprised at what you see.

Mevalgre · 01-27-2008, 08:22 PM

honestly, my first reaction to this was similar to thamior's, that it lacks actually saying much. Also, the chorus made me immediately think of a Pretenders song. "I would walk 500 miles" thing. I'm not sure how concerned you are about your lyrics reminding people of someone else, but personally I try to avoid it. I think it might help to expand your verses a bit, and add something a bit more specific to what you're actually thinking about here.

thamior · 01-28-2008, 08:39 AM

And, if you think of it this way: I haven't written anything in over a month, so at least you're doing better than me right now