Tom

It's a working title, so I'm sorry about that. The song was inspired by different things, and even though it's a bit of in places, I posted it for feedback/criticism. Thanks in advance.


Fate:

I tower alone, briefly woken by the waves,
Dreams interrupted, ending the ship of fate,
And as I lie here awake, asking what went wrong,
Alone in the dark, trying to move along,

Yet every time I move, or try to get back up,
I fall onto my knees, and wish I could,
Save her,

Though however I attempt it, fearless, strong or brave,
It’s power is extensive, impossible to save,
Fate is a mere object, the source with a storm,
A powerful opponent, a shapeless painful form,

A grip that appears forceful is truthfully so weak,
The sun loses it colour, reformed to be so bleak,
The power of the wind, the un-controlling roar,
Each single piece of detail as I draw near the door,

Yet, every step goes forward, the exit moves away,
This hell that I’ve been thrown in, will never go away,
The pain,

Though however I attempt it, fearless, strong or brave,
Its power is extensive, impossible to save,
Fate is a mere object, the source within a storm,
A powerful opponent, a shapeless painful form,

As I lie here, the cold wooden planks beneath me,
The numb endless feeling, it’s warm yet I’m freezing,
It’s all to be, the end for me,

Though however I attempt it, fearless, strong or brave,
Its power is extensive, impossible to save,
Fate is a mere object, the source within a storm,
A powerful opponent, a shapeless painful form,

Hearing the wind, screaming out my name,
Clenching my fists, hurting myself again,
Yet inside, this hurricane blows me away,
The pain is so immense, yet I wish I could stay,

‘Cos the pain is so immense, yet I wish, I wish, I wish I could stay…

Though however I attempt it, fearless, strong or brave,
Its power is extensive, impossible to save,
Fate is a mere object, the source within a storm,
A powerful opponent, a shapeless painful form,


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©Dysfunctional Ran

I love it. The rythm, how the words flow together and actually mean something (it's usually hard for someone to make a good rythm AND have it make sence). What type of music are you writing this for?

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::Reverse psychology doesn't work on life::

T.W. North

Personally I couldn't find the rhythm and so turned me off a little bit, but that being said the words themselves are excellent. Chorus is perhaps repeated too much (well, not too much, but the continuous verse/chorus does get repetative).

As for the name:
Ship of Fate ?

void141

I really liked the flow as well, especially in some parts of the song, such as "Though however I attempt it, fearless, strong or brave..." stanza.
A little minus (at least from my humble point of view) could be the fact that you are breaking the perfect rhythm in the longer stanzas with those "2 lines + a few words" intermissions. Sometimes it can serve its purpose, but now I think it only disrupts what should be an example of a rhythmically well planned song.

Tom

Thanks for all the feedback guys,

The type of music I'm writing this for is alternative, indie genre, alot like Lifehouse if you've ever listened to them,

Ship of Fate is also an improvement to Fate, Thankyou.

Tom.

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Mevalgre

I like the writing style you're using. That said, the topic kind of pushed me off personally, but remember you can't please everyone everytime.