I Love Your Echo - Writers Forum

SerenityJS · 01-22-2008, 02:30 PM

Mention her, my name with yours
Her silence seals my fate, unearthed
Desire knocks, unlocks your door
To give you more than you deserve

I called you, You knew, my story, song
In tune with death, hand in hand with life
We walked in chaos and order, loving
Every echo.

I love your echo
I love your echo

Tremors bring me to my knees.
Open wide the mouth of hell
Make love with your leprous disease
While I am pure, life my veil
Carry me to the throne of my mistress
Allow me please to run circles round time
As the cold January rain soaks my socks,
and sings her name.

I called you, You knew, my story, song
In tune with death, hand in hand with life
We walked in chaos and order, loving
Every echo.

Take me too your living room
Lay my heart upon your platter
And devour the life you could
Never have. Take my shoulder
Grab my hand and when I jump
We will jump together.

Watch me dear, while love is near
Take time to understand.
Extend your heart and soul to me
And I will grab your hand
Together we are so much more
But freedom has its cost
It is your smile that I adore
Much more than was ever lost.

I called you, You knew, my story, song,
In tune with death, hand in hand with life
We walked in chaos and order, loving every echo.

I love your echo…
I love your echo….

Mystery · 01-23-2008, 09:22 AM

I like it, it's got a wide range of vocabulary in it and sticks to a good form that would fit to song, it also leaves some space for change and variation by increasing the verses but keeping the same pace/rhythm.

One thing I'd avoid though, is having a rhyme with "leprous disease" and later on alliteration like "soak my socks". As I'd call it, black vocabulary doesn't go with cutesy wootsy things, pick a feel and be consistent.

Otherwise, you just need to write a bit more and see what comes up, can't really flaw this too much besides nitpicking, but a lot of it is probably your style of lyricism.