Romance - Writers Forum

Maggie123 · 01-17-2008, 07:18 PM

I was building a sandcastle by the sea last summer,
When I found a little key in the sand,
I thought, it must belong to a swimmer,
Who so unwisely had left her belongings on a pink ribbon band.

The next evening I was sitting on a terrace,
With a lovely view to that very place,
I saw a girl approaching boldly, not being embarrased,
And she put a note inside the hole with utmost care and grace.

With the break of dawn I hurried to the shore,
And started digging quickly in the white sand,
I found a message, piece of paper hanging on a small silver anchor
Reading "Room 46, 10 pm, hotel "Montblanc"

Refrain: The summer is just a strawberry icecream,
I wanna quench my thurst, wanna drink a magic cocktail,
Love comes and goes, are we dreaming,
Till we find ourselves in a strange fairy tale.

That very night I went to the hotel,
Walked straight to the number 46 room,
Opened the door and, oh, inside, on a camel,
Was sitting my beautiful angel in a ray of sun beam.

"I`m your treasure, you have the key, I was looking for you,
You found me and now I`m your sacred wish.
The magician in our village was right, it`s true,
We`re destined to be together, even only for a night or two."

The girl was glamourous, wonderful, gorgeous,
But I stared at her, not beleiving my eyes,
For the words she was speaking were strange and too cortious,
They didn`t make sense, I needed advice.

Refrain: The summer is just a strawberry icecream,
I wanna quench my thurst, wanna drink a magic cocktail,
Love comes and goes, are we dreaming,
Till we find ourselves in a strange fairy tale.

She gave my a glass of sparkling wine,
I drank it to the very last drop,
Perhaps it was a fatal mistake, but I wished to feel fine,
And clear my mind, hopefully the strange feeling would stop.

The last thing I remembered was a small hand,
That put a wild orchid on my chest as I fell on the ground,
This tender voice I`ll never forget,
Nor the lips, red , lovely, but white as a sand.

"Wake up Sir, you`ve been dreaming",
I heard a man speaking and opened my eyes,
I was lying by the water, unconscious, not feeling,
Reality mingled with a wonderful world in disguise.

Refrain: The summer is just a strawberry icecream,
I wanna quench my thurst, wanna drink a magic cocktail,
Love comes and goes, are we dreaming,
Till we find ourselves in a strange fairy tale.

There was no key, nor sandcastle,
There was no terrace on the opposite side,
I guess it was that just the strong weird liqour I had in a "love boat" the prevoius night
Which made me enchanted and daydreaming,
In this otherwise wonderful land of paid love, land of Thailand.

Mystery · 01-21-2008, 07:50 AM

This isn't a lyric, it's a poem.

Maggie123 · 01-21-2008, 08:05 AM

Mystery,thanks for the remark.
I gave it a try, at least I didn`t want to stick to the well known worn out cliches like "I wanna see the sunshine in your eyes, you are my paradise" or "I love you baby, you make me crazy" and so on.
I just think it will be nice when the lines carry a certain message.
Thanks again.

Mystery · 01-21-2008, 10:17 AM

Because I know expecting people to understand is too much, and I don't want to look like to big of an asshole, I'm going to go ahead and explain what I meant.

I'm telling you, a lyricist as a musician, that this isn't a song. It's not the lines you use, it's the length, the way you used, or didn't use, vocabulary and your structure. People seem to think all kind of deviation is possible. But I can tell you now, this is one of the songs that I'd get bored off because I've heard a certain section too many times. Song's are not only words, and no matter how great words are they won't save you from repeating your music too much.

Also,

Quote:

I was building a sandcastle by the sea last summer,
When I found a little key in the sand,
I thought, it must belong to a swimmer,
Who so unwisely had left her belongings on a pink ribbon band

Unless we are talking about someone with knowledge, singing this would break the rhyme and flow, just too many syllables punched in before the rhyme, and summer/swimmer isn't strong enough to tie the syllable difference.

There's a reason for the voice inside your head reading everything you write, use it.