Keep it a Secret - Writers Forum

Suavely_Sam · 12-21-2007, 04:47 PM

I can't speak; I've done something so terrible
I keep my mind in its own abandoned repetition,
So no one else can find it there
And I'm trapped inside a hand making a fist,
Lost without exit doors
The figure still outlines my walls,
But this won't be temporary

And I know it's not that important,
But I want to keep this one a secret

[Chorus]
I'm renovating innovation,
It's set between the lines because
I know I'll never get very far
And none of this happened with intention
But I think I can get there somehow

My unremitting thoughts,
They just keep me from sleep
And it falls into a distant blue and black
But I think I'll just leave this on standby
So I can hope that it will never come back

And I know it's not that important,
But I want to keep this one a secret

[Chorus]
I'm renovating innovation,
It's set between the lines because
I know I'll never get very far
And none of this happened with intention
But I think I can get there somehow

All of this either bends or it breaks,
Maybe someday we'll figure it out...
All of this either bends or it breaks,
Maybe someday we'll figure it out...

Watch it burn,
It fades away
Watch me burn,
I'm fading away

And I know it's not that important,
But I want to keep this one a secret...

What do you think? X)

Suavely_Sam · 12-22-2007, 02:39 PM

Nothing?

T.W. North · 12-22-2007, 08:24 PM

Well, the first verse pulled me in straight away, if only because it's one of the best verses I've actually read here. The chorus is really quite catchy. This seems to me to be going to a Goo Goo Dolls kind of tune (but thats just me). Second verse seems to lose the catchiness somewhat, and also seems to be more downhearted and flat. Needs a tad bit fixing up, or maybe I just can't get the right tune in my head for it. As for the bridge? Personally, I don't think they're repeating type lines...

So yeah, overall, a great, catchy song, just a few places where it goes a little flat, especially towards the end.

(btw, mind returning the favour and reviewing my song that has none?)

Suavely_Sam · 12-22-2007, 11:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by T.W. North

Well, the first verse pulled me in straight away, if only because it's one of the best verses I've actually read here. The chorus is really quite catchy. This seems to me to be going to a Goo Goo Dolls kind of tune (but thats just me). Second verse seems to lose the catchiness somewhat, and also seems to be more downhearted and flat. Needs a tad bit fixing up, or maybe I just can't get the right tune in my head for it. As for the bridge? Personally, I don't think they're repeating type lines...

So yeah, overall, a great, catchy song, just a few places where it goes a little flat, especially towards the end.

(btw, mind returning the favour and reviewing my song that has none?)

Thanks for the review. I understood how you saw some of that. I changed the bridge part to:

All of this either bends or it breaks,
Maybe someday we'll figure it out
But I'll try to find the right words so you know
My mind isn't contrived

I don't know, maybe that still needs a little work. And I'm probably going to add some things to the second verse and make it kind of sound like the first.

kaytea111 · 12-23-2007, 06:01 PM

I LUV IT!!!

Azram · 12-25-2007, 01:14 PM

Nice...