Don't (Burn) - Writers Forum

T.W. North · 12-20-2007, 01:32 AM

Note: This song is designed to be a metal duet, with a sound similar to Soilwork. All lyrics in brackets are screamed by a male. All non-brackets are sung by a female.

Stop blaming it on the species
You can attain control yourself
There's no need to hide in someones pain
But if you put it that way
(See how you like it)

(Don't you think maybe it hurts
Don't you think maybe it's bad)
Don't you think...

You turn the tides against you
Repeating mistakes made before you
Throw down the mask you hide behind
But if you put it on
(See what we see)

(Don't you think maybe it hurts
Don't you think maybe it's bad)
Don't you think...
(You are better than this
You are stronger than this)
You are

Dont (burn) x16

(Don't you think maybe it hurts
Don't you think maybe it's bad)
Don't you think)
(You are better than this
You are stronger than this)
You are...don't you think...

Don't (burn)

Suavely_Sam · 12-22-2007, 10:57 PM

I like it. It makes a really good duet, I think. I also thought yours, too, pulled me into it right away from the first line. You put words together in a way that makes me think. =) It was really interesting.

If there was one thing I would change, I guess it would be how many times the line "Don't (burn)" is used towards the end there. But I guess I'd really have to hear it to judge that. I don't know, maybe it sounds good when it's repeated 16 times. Just what I thought.

But yeah, I thought it was really good. Nice job.

surfacetoday · 01-16-2008, 01:06 AM

Isn't it a little positive for metal, though?

Mystery · 01-21-2008, 08:07 AM

Surfacetoday, crucify yourself. Then look up "power metal".

As a avid metal fan, I like a lot of what you've done, but I can tell from now it's not a song I'd listen to. You need to realize that there is a limit to reinforcement. Unless you got someone such as Opeths Mikael or Devin Townsend to scream vocals and Christina scabbia to sing the female parts, and have Stephan forte doing runs or crazy melodies or rhythm, I'd get shit bored in the end sections. While this is not necessarily bad, it would turn me off listening to your song, and it also feels like you ran out of steam to pass on your message so you just clinged onto repetition.

Here's a tip, more is less, not every song needs duration. IF your musicians know their stuff duration is a matter of many minutes of solo you want. Less repetition, more variation.

T.W. North · 01-24-2008, 07:40 PM

Sweet thanks mystery, yeah, I was a bit iffy about saying repeat it 16 times but it seemed to be the number that worked best. *shrug* I'm not in a band or anything so yeah, although, I disagree with minutes of solo, THAT can get boring. xD But thats a difference of opinion. Anyway thanks.

And yes, I agree, surfacetoday, crucify yourself. Besides, it's not that positive, it's telling someone they're fucking themselves about.

thamior · 01-24-2008, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by T.W. North

Note: This song is designed to be a metal duet, with a sound similar to Soilwork. All lyrics in brackets are screamed by a male. All non-brackets are sung by a female.

Stop blaming it on the species
You can attain control yourself - interesting, I do hope you'll tell us control of what
There's no need to hide in someones pain - I want an image instead of this line
But if you put it that way
(See how you like it)

(Don't you think maybe it hurts
Don't you think maybe it's bad)
Don't you think... Hmm, I'm torn. With more context, this could be really nice.

You turn the tides against you
Repeating mistakes made before you Images! I know you can do it!
Throw down the mask you hide behind Nice
But if you put it on
(See what we see)

(Don't you think maybe it hurts
Don't you think maybe it's bad)
Don't you think...
(You are better than this
You are stronger than this)
You are

Dont (burn) x16

(Don't you think maybe it hurts
Don't you think maybe it's bad)
Don't you think)
(You are better than this
You are stronger than this)
You are...don't you think...

Don't (burn)

All in all, my biggest gripe was that it was too vague. Some people like that, but I feel like it could have been much stronger with a bit more detail added to it. Note the word detail, I don't want you to "tell" me, but I would love more showing, and I know you have the talent to do it.

T.W. North · 01-25-2008, 07:46 PM

It was meant to be vague....

Just so you know this was about the way teenagers fake themselves in highschool, and it was written this way because all my songs seem to sound the same the way I use my images, so I decided to do it differently here...

thamior · 01-26-2008, 09:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by T.W. North

It was meant to be vague....

Vague is nice, in a certain sense. But if there's little to no way for your reader to understand the meaning without you telling them, you often end up with a frustrated reader.

Quote:

it was written this way because all my songs seem to sound the same the way I use my images, so I decided to do it differently here...

I know how that feels, why do you think I haven't posted any new material? If you find you're getting stuck on some images, it's best to work at getting some new images than to write a bunch of stuff that lacks the images. Art is about images, from the explicit arts like painting and sculpting, to the more subtle ones like poetry, song, and music.