thamior

So, my name and being absent have become synonymous lately. I'll try to get to commenting on some lyrics during break. The lyric I'm going to post is one that's full of abstractions. I'm sure the Creative Writing Teacher I had this past semester would tear it to shreds. But, it holds a strong emotion for me that gives me goosebumps. So, I wanted to see if it was just me, or if it rang true for some of you as well. Expect a better piece soon, I just haven't had the time yet to do that either:

Some wonder why the world is dark,
some wonder why it feels so hopeless.
When night cloaks the world’s beating heart,
and the best of ours are put to rest.

The wind and waves wash some away,
and others are taken by the wand’ring death.
Some submit to the demands of fate today,
and release their final gasp of breath.

Chorus:
And I’ll see you one day, when all the world’s at peace.
I’ll see you in your way, glorified the best by the least.
In me you’ll e’er live on, a thought that never dies.
In me you’re never gone, death can’t break our ties.

I once sought the answers to this world,
I quested for the inspiring of truth.
But all I found was the dark’s chill and cold,
worse now in the loss of you.

*chorus*

Every moment is one more spent,
and I hold on to my moments spent with you.
Hold the flower of your passing went,
I weep and smile in the thought of you.

*chorus*

Some say “I miss you now and miss you then”,
and “the world just won’t be the same”.
But when the world is at its coming end,
we’re nothing but just another name.

It’s you that will live within me now,
since there’s nowhere else for you.
Dark lit by street lights shining down,
let your light rest in the remaining few.

*chorus*

Outro:
I’ll see you then, when the world’s at peace,
in the quiet moment, when all our strivings cease.

__________________

Dark and Shattered Lands

T.W. North

Okay, there's a few good lines in there, but no many. The outro is actually probably the best, although the chorus is quite strong as well. But for the most part, you've made things too obvious, and more or less repeated yourself the entire way through, coupled with some dodgy lines. For instance, lines 5-8, really, badly, suck. I'm sorry, but they just have no place in a decent song. The second verse has potential...but you ruined it with the last line. Most of the rest is semi-bad, semi-good.

zoya_brar

Thamior, seeing something written by you makes me smile..

Some good lines in there, not one of your best though...

Happy new yr btw.. hope you are doing well.

thamior

I do manage a good job of avoiding the forums even when I say I'm not going to! Thanks for the review guys. This was written for something in a game, not entirely a serious piece, but the subject matter is heavy so it meant a little something more for me (especially with my past). I'll keep the crits in my head for some future pieces (hopefully soon)

__________________

Dark and Shattered Lands