Originally Posted by twitch

I Remember

(slow and soft, like a lullaby)

I remember, being here,
I remember, wiping away my tears
I recall, the smiles,
As we laughed all the while
And I know, that we belong together
And it shows, that you love another

- ouch! the only real problem with this verse, for me, is how obvious the smile.while rhyme is. It's one of those rhymes I tend to avoid even when it comes naturally, simply because it tends to stick out like a sore thumb. However, I REALLY liked the use of imagery as opposed to abstractions in this, which is a very good start.

(Other instruments join in, louder and faster)


((Chorus))
I know that you,
Feel that he’s right for you,
It’s not true,
And there’s very few,
That are right for me,
I’m in love, baby can’t you see

- This is an interesting chorus. Feel is an abstraction, but I think it can slide in this instance. It makes me wonder, is there a love triangle going on?


You’re picture stands on my dresser,
You tell me that of these men that I’m the lesser
You have those, baby blue eyes,
My heart is broken, filthy lies
They held us together,
Now you’re held in the arms of another,
You used to be my hidden treasure,
I’ll go to any measure,
Because you’ll come crawling back to me,
Because baby you see

- Is this her speaking? The tone has suddenly changed, though the rhyme has the effect of making it feel like it hasn't. In any case, this person is saying things in far contrast to the chorus and first verse, unless of course it is the "other" person.


You’ll be back on your hands and knees,
Begging and asking please,
But I’m not for you,
By now I’ve stopped feeling blue
And you’re bruised head will turn the other way,
And you’ll learn that I’m not there for you, no other time no other day.

- Ah, this clears it up a little. I was leaning towards this feeling with the last verse, but there were certain lines:

You have those, baby blue eyes,
My heart is broken, filthy lies

You used to be my hidden treasure,
I’ll go to any measure,
Because you’ll come crawling back to me,

That lead one to believe he still wants her, which makes it very confusing. If you could give some of the feeling from this verse into the last one, I think they'd both be a little more powerful.


You call yourself great,
Say ‘baby I’m sorry, he’s my soul mate’
But you won’t know until it’s too late,
Because you’re only fucking fifteen,
Now I don’t mean to be cruel or mean,
But when you’re bruised and unwilling to be seen,
Crying all he while,
When you look to me I’ll just laugh, and smile

- Pretty sadistic character, :/. In any case, I thought "he" was the right guy for her? This could be interesting, but only if there was some other explanation. Does he think that the other guy is right for her because the speaker wants her to be abused?