Untitled (thus far) - Writers Forum

abecfive · 11-17-2007, 08:10 PM

every time i see you run 'round it makes me weak
crease of a cheek, the suns silhouette smirks at me
every time i see you run 'round it makes me weak
i get weak...

keep your head straight, and get what you need
everything i see in you, i see in me
keep your head straight baby, and you get what you need
get what you need

blood is flowing but i just... just can't breathe
because i think about you i just can't seam to speak
blood is flowing but i just... just can't breathe
let me breathe

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I'm not sure where to go from here... I'm at a stand still and wish I could find something. There is the lack of a chorus I know... either there needs to be one or something to break the monotony of the piece thus far. Maybe just a bridge. It has a very rhythmic guitar behind it, very heavy beats. The guitar part I think could be strong enough to do without a chorus in a traditional sense. Please let me know what you think I'm anxious and stagnant.

Eliana · 11-18-2007, 12:12 AM

I'm not quite sure what you could do with it...a bridge would lighten it up, but it would still need more.

So far, i liked it, although it was monotony it was calm (well in my head it was a slow song, i have a feel for these things, lol) but yeah. All i can say is that it does need work, sorry i can't give you anymore help.