Direct - Writers Forum

kaytea111 · 11-15-2007, 04:32 PM

(Chorus)
And just like that it was all gone,
And just like that- au revior,
One second your mine and then it all fall, fall, falls,
onto the floor of my constant sorrow,
Raise from the dead my tears,
Show my the light, show me the way,
Direct him to me again,

Forget the past and I'll forget the mistakes,
Of once so long ago that were made,
Shadows dissapear into the dark,
Hatred still soaks into my soul,

(Chorus)
And just like that it was all gone,
And just like that- au revior,
One second your mine and then it all fall, fall, falls,
onto the floor of my constant sorrow,
Raise from the dead my tears,
Show my the light, show me the way,
Direct him to me again,

Young as we are, your the demon,
Clearity is what I really want,
Clear my mind and open my heart to the world,
Fuck this man, I'm hurting, I'm fallin

(Chorus)
And just like that it was all gone,
And just like that- au revior,
One second your mine and then it all fall, fall, falls,
onto the floor of my constant sorrow,
Raise from the dead my tears,
Show my the light, show me the way,

Direct him to me again,

abecfive · 11-17-2007, 08:26 PM

I get a very trendy coffee house feel from this and it's sounding very good in my head. "Fuck" seems out of place for this to me, but to each their own.

Eliana · 11-17-2007, 11:54 PM

I like it, its different, I'm going to go the opposite to abecfive, i think the word "Fuck" is in place, it shows how the mood slowly gets angry because she doesn't want him to leave and she also doesn't want to wait for him...well thats the view i get.

kaytea111 · 11-18-2007, 10:49 AM

thats exactly right, Eliana..thank you

Eliana · 11-18-2007, 08:54 PM

your welcome...i look forward to seeing more of your works

Azram · 11-19-2007, 03:41 PM

It's spelled ''au revoir''...

thamior · 11-21-2007, 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaytea111

red = abstract

My creative writing teacher hounded us on it this semester, so much that I wanted to just say, "so what, I'll use the god damned abstract"

But poetry, including lyrics, is much better with images rather than an abstract. And abstract is an idea or an emotion, something that we have a word for, but is not, in and of itself, an image. For example, happy is an abstract, an image of it might be a baby's smile.

(Chorus)
And just like that it was all gone,
And just like that- au revior,
One second your mine and then it all fall, fall, falls,
onto the floor of my constant sorrow,
Raise from the dead my tears,
Show my the light, show me the way,
Direct him to me again,

As said, it's au revoir, but it's an interesting phrase to put in, deciding on the French as opposed to English. Gives it a more ritzy kind of feel. The falls fall falls could be really nice, if sung t ogive the right effect.

Raise from the dead my tears is an interesting image, but the phrasing really threw me off. If there was a way to get this same image, but fix the phrasing, it would improve the flow and strengthen the message.

Quote:

Forget the past and I'll forget the mistakes,
Of once so long ago that were made,
Shadows dissapear into the dark,
Hatred still soaks into my soul,

disappear

One of the weaker verses. I'd rethink it, and really try to replace the abstractions with some stronger images. You've got a good start.

Quote:

Young as we are, your the demon,
Clearity is what I really want,
Clear my mind and open my heart to the world,
Fuck this man, I'm hurting, I'm fallin

Clarity

You're instead of your

This verse also was much weaker than your chorus. It lacked the originality that I saw there, I'd like to see some new fresh lines and images integrated here as well. You've proven that you can do it.

kaytea111 · 11-21-2007, 08:49 PM

thank you for the critique, thamior!