Shades of Grey - Writers Forum

Eliana · 11-12-2007, 12:34 AM

This is my first ever song, so do pardon me if it is really bad...

Shadows come running
cast by fear and doubt,
shadows are coming
and theres no way to get out.

I'm feeling blue,
I'm feeling low,
But these feelings,
are way too shallow.

(Chorus)
Somebody help me,
I'm feeling real low.
Somebody be me,
i can't continue on.
I can't help this feeling of anger
Cuz all i can see is shades of Grey.

the future is dull,
i cannot see the way
the path is lit,
but cannot make the way

(Chorus)

Why, must i be followed?
Oh, Oh, I can't escape.
the pencil has shaded the future of my life,
There's no where to go, all i see is shades of Grey

(Chorus x2)

I know that the lyrics don't really fit together, but that was on purpose.
This song is a soft rock song.

Yustynn · 11-12-2007, 07:10 AM

Hey thanks for replying to my song!

I like that "the pecil has shaded the future of my life part" that was nice! I guess since you said you wanted to form a rock band it's a rock song? It seems like it'd fit alternative as well

Eliana · 11-13-2007, 05:32 PM

its a soft rock song if you catch my jist....this is my first ever song so i suppose i can work on it...any suggestions on what i could change?

Yustynn · 11-14-2007, 02:38 AM

Hmm not really sure it seems pretty good already. Maybe I'd have a better idea if you sang it or tabbed out the melody or something

I read it over a couple of times and it seems nicer everytime

Eliana · 11-17-2007, 11:34 PM

lol cool, wow my first and its actually liked, i feel accomplished...hehe

abecfive · 11-17-2007, 11:53 PM

I agree, it's pretty good already. I would probably work on the chorus a little if anything.

"I'm feeling real low" kinda bothers me for some reason, maybe because you already said I'm feeling low (I assume felling was supposed to be feeling) in the part just before.

Eliana · 11-18-2007, 12:02 AM

yeah, i see what your saying thank you, I'll work on that now.

Shavixmir · 11-18-2007, 07:35 AM

Quote:

Shadows come running
cast by shadow and doubt,

The shadows are cast by themselves?

Quote:

I'm feeling blue,

I find this very cliche. Unless you're taking the piss, I'd avoid such terminology.

Quote:

the future is dull,
i cannot see the way

Why, must i be followed?

Half the song you seem to be suggesting you are in shadows and that the shadows are ahead of you (you can't see clearly anymore) and in other parts of the song you're making the shadows out to be some sort of paranoid stalker of sorts.
Personally, I'd go for one of the two options in a song. Keep the subject matter simple.

I do like the concept of the shadows blurring one's perspective. Shadows can be very frightening and when emotions are shadowed, it is hard to see one's way.

I think the best line of your song is: the pencil has shaded the future of my life.
You plop it down there and leave it out dry. Why not try to build something more of it? It is a great line!

Eliana · 11-18-2007, 08:34 PM

okay, i have to say i was going to change the stuff in the second line, but i haen't had a chance to since last night, so yeah, thanks for reminding me.

this cliche i believe is fine, because of the fact that it describes the mood perfectly. But i can see what your saying. If i fand another word that fits i'll enter it in, but for now, it works. (not unless you have a word that i might be able to use.)

Okay, my aim for this song was to say that everything is shaded, everything is hidden, and she can get away from the things that are shading, that are hiding her way, but understand your view well, thankyou for pinting out those things.

THNX!!!

thamior · 11-23-2007, 09:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eliana

Shadows come running
cast by fear and doubt,
shadows are coming
and theres no way to get out.

- It's an interesting image, though it has, admittedly been done before. Then again, my first 50 lyrics (random number) were probably very unoriginal.

I'm feeling blue,
I'm feeling low,
But these feelings,
are way too shallow.

- I like the use of color to represent the feeling, this particular cliche
doesn't get old with me at least.
- Shallow seems a bit forced, and your feelings are shallow? That seems an odd position for them to be. Most of the time, feelings are deep. This could be very interesting if you continued it further, explaining how they are shallow.

(Chorus)
Somebody help me,
I'm feeling real low.
Somebody be me,
i can't continue on.
I can't help this feeling of anger
Cuz all i can see is shades of Grey.

- Is there any way to show all of the good material in the chorus? It has potential, but right now it's just angsty talk. I want to see images

the future is dull,
i cannot see the way
the path is lit,
but cannot make the way

- I liked this one, it was nice, simple, and used some basic images.

(Chorus)

Why, must i be followed?
Oh, Oh, I can't escape.
the pencil has shaded the future of my life,
There's no where to go, all i see is shades of Grey

- Another good verse, I liked the specific use of imagery here.

(Chorus x2)

I liked it, very good for a first attempt. Red words are abstractions, try replacing them with images that convey the thought. Instead of happiness, try a smile

Hope that helps.

RainForRest · 11-24-2007, 09:18 PM

Somebody help me,
I'm feeling real low.
Somebody be me,
i can't continue on.

I thought that the change from "Somebody help me" to "Somebody be me" was effective. Or maybe even just "Somebody be me" all over. I get a stronger feeling from the idea of surrending your own self into the hands of another, rather than just being comforted by another.

Great work for a first ever song

(By the way I'm new here and have not introduced myself yet, sorry, I better go do that some time)