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| Lyrics Original Song Lyrics. |
11-04-2007, 01:27 AM
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#1
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Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Somehwhere I belong
Gender: Male
Posts: 27
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The Scream
The scream
This how it goes, when you make a face at me
And this is how I scream when you cut me down
when I'm falling and theres no one there
And this is what it looks like, when I break apart
Is this what will happen when you crush my heart?
So break apart from me before I take you down
Breathe the air around me,
Into a mouth, begging for use
Into a world thats been abused
This is the world that calls for you
This is the face I make, when life goes sour
the shout when I only have an hour
And this is how I'll scream my lungs out
when I don't know what this is about
Breathe the air around me,
Into a mouth, begging for use
Into a world thats been abused
This is the world that calls for you
This scream that breaks silence
its heard despite distance
This scream that breaks silence
Its heard despite distance
Oh! The thrill
Oh! The pill
Oh! The train of thought
The mudslide of love
It grabs you
It holds you
It molds you
Breathe the air around me,
Into a mouth, begging for use
Into a world thats been abused
This is the world that calls for you
Really need some crit on this. Its a metal song. Screams will be inserted in here.
__________________
With hands held high unto the sky so blue
The ocean opens up to swallow you
Mike Shinoda
Last edited by Revenge : 11-04-2007 at 10:57 PM.
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11-04-2007, 02:10 AM
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#2
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Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 19
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"And this is how I scream when you cut my down"
My = Me, right?
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11-04-2007, 06:17 PM
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#3
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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This isn't too bad.
"Breathe the air around me,
Into a mouth, begging for use
Into a world thats been abused
This is the world that calls for you"
Except for the final line of that repeated strophe. |2 is pretty good, and the implied rhyme with |3 is alright. The You sound strangles the assonance, though.
The rest doesn't scan very well, I don't think.
You've told me what this is about, though.
It's weird. I feel you're too distant in the way you write, about the world and shit, not about the actual event, but you're also too close.
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11-04-2007, 10:19 PM
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#4
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Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 19
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"Cut my wrists and black my eyes"
After reading your signature, I instantly hate you.
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11-04-2007, 10:39 PM
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#5
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Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Somehwhere I belong
Gender: Male
Posts: 27
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Everyone is just so friendly here!
Any thing I can change guys. I'd really appreciate critique on this as I have a show coming up and I have guitar set to this already...
EDIT:
I decided to add my original bridge in here also. It works much better with the music.
__________________
With hands held high unto the sky so blue
The ocean opens up to swallow you
Mike Shinoda
Last edited by Revenge : 11-04-2007 at 10:58 PM.
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11-05-2007, 03:09 AM
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#6
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Carribean
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,412
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Revenge
The scream
Really need some crit on this. Its a metal song. Screams will be inserted in here.
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Looking at your signature, I don't think it will be metal.
I can't really tell you anything else I didn't cover on your other lyric however.
__________________
Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...
Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...
Yes, must still shut up.
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11-06-2007, 04:51 PM
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#7
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Banned
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Camelot
Gender: Male
Posts: 11
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Well no crit to give its all been said so aside from that good song. would wonder how it sounds put to music.
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11-06-2007, 07:00 PM
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#8
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Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Somehwhere I belong
Gender: Male
Posts: 27
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So, I changed the thing in essence:
The scream
This is the world that’s been cut pieces
This is the sound of resistance
It’s a thousand voices, [the sound is choked]
This is what keeps the world alive
It’s the thought of a child
Whose voice is lost in the chaos
Breathe the air around me,
into a mouth, begging for use
into a world that’s been abused
this is the world that calls for you
but this is when things get real
It’s when the world makes you question what you feel
It’s what you say when you need someone
This is the voice of resistance
Oh! The thrill
Oh! The pill
Oh! The train of thought
The mudslide of love
It grabs you
It holds you
It molds you
Breathe the air around me,
Into a mouth, begging for use
Into a world thats been abused
This is the world that calls for you
__________________
With hands held high unto the sky so blue
The ocean opens up to swallow you
Mike Shinoda
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