Edgewise

Just because you’re underground doesn’t mean you’re deep,
It just means that you lack the sense to promote effectively,
Respectively, don’t be proud of the fact that fame hasn’t discovered you,
Or that you’re not being raped yet by management and a label,
You should try to write lessons, fables, stories and legends,
When you do that will be the day your life truly begins,
Doors will open and you’ll gain mean credibility,
And people will start to look at you incredulously.

Anyone can write, trip, or spit a Bibles worth of lyrics,
It doesn’t matter your race, scene, sex or appearance,
Don’t fear to go against the grain, my dear audience,
Can I hear an Amen and some synchronic applause?

I just opened a door; but it’s up to you to walk through,
If you don’t realize this, than your perspective is skewed,
And if you refuse to listen to the words I just spilled on the page,
Than you are not even a threat, not even worth it to engage,
Nevertheless I don’t care, I will break bread with you anyway,
Attempt to convince you of better things which lie around the bend,
To take the hand of reason, my friends, and walk with me to the end,
There are many bridges to cross and many lies to amend...

Anyone can spit rhymes about shit they have heard in the past,
That anyone would want to simply leaves me aghast,
But relax, I won’t hurt your feelings anymore,
Content in the knowledge that I just touched on your core,
Believe me when I tell you I just dropped you a dime,
To pay the toll on your way to a new paradigm.

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What would your good be doing if there were no evil, and what would the earth look like if shadows disappeared from it?
- Woland (Satan) in Bulgakov's "Master and Margarita"

Olly Buckle

Hum, When you do that MAY be the day your life begins (Why truly). Not a Threat not worth engaging (Why even). "About shit they have heard in the past" Don't quite follow, do you mean repackaging received wisdom? Personally I find it a useful exercise rewriting the sense of old lyrics, a succesful lyric is one that people can identify with, the sentiments behind "Buddy can you spare a dime" may not have much meaning to the modern generation but I bet if you can use the sentiment behind "Smoke gets in your eyes" in an attractive and original way you will get an audience.

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Edgewise

Thanks for taking the time to do an in-depth critique Olly. That is somewhat hard to find around these parts of the forum...

Honestly, most of what you mentioned is there for the sake of rhythm, rather then meaning.

"Anyone can spit rhymes about shit they have heard in the past"
is refering to reusing old cliche's and standards in hip-hop...no need to mention them here, they are well known already (after all, they are cliche's).

I am not familiar with the phrase, "smoke gets in your eyes". Anyhoo, I rather like those last two lines the way they are. If you have any structural qualms with the piece, I would be glad to hear them.

__________________
What would your good be doing if there were no evil, and what would the earth look like if shadows disappeared from it?
- Woland (Satan) in Bulgakov's "Master and Margarita"

Olly Buckle

Sorry, generation gap here, I don't have much experience of hip hop, if you mean just lifting things and using them verbatim couldn't agree more mate, where is the skill in that? "Smoke gets in your eyes" was a smash hit probably a bit before your mother was born, you should find the lyric if you google it, but it started. Friends asked me how I knew my true love was true softly I replied something deep inside cannot be denied. Naturally she wasn't. Buddy can you spare a dime was also a smash of the depression in the thirties, that's why it is not really relevant nowadays, not a reference to your last two lines which seem fine to me except that I have a thing about the word "Just", it is always creeping into my things and usually has no meaning

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Edgewise

I meant using tired old subjects like $, pimping, cars, womanizing, clubbing, murdering, ad infinitum. Those are the reasons most people who dislike hip hop dislike it.

Removing "just" would actually balance the rhythm...thanks for pointing that out.

__________________
What would your good be doing if there were no evil, and what would the earth look like if shadows disappeared from it?
- Woland (Satan) in Bulgakov's "Master and Margarita"