Thread: The Strawman of Love

:Whisper:
Barren view, barren view
We must start anew
I just see a face and claim that's you
I want what's on the inside as my base
Cause when I think of you, all I see is your face

:End of whisper:


You see the skin
But you do not see from within
A home built upon sand
With my neck encircled around a hand
Your base is an exhibition
But you still want to cheat
An indiscreet hurt
With my hands encircled around this flirt

Drain me
I don't want you to get close anymore
My thoughts, my thoughts
Renew me

You see the life
But you do not see the meaning
A future built around a wife
With my passion screaming
Your actions are an exhibition
But you still want to hide
An indiscreet stand down
With my head encircled around water

Drown me
I don't want to feel you anymore
My thoughts, my thoughts
Renew me

Overwhelm me with this barren view
Show me your face and say it's you
I want what's on the inside as my base
Cause when I think of you, all I see is your face

Blind me
I don't want to see you anymore
My thoughts, my thoughts
Guide me

Overwhelm me with this barren view
Show me your face and say it's you
Overwhelm me with this barren view
Cause when I think of you, all I see is your face

Alright, another critique while I wait for something to click in my brain.

I liked this one, the concept was nice, the images well done. All that brought it down for me were the rhymes. Rhymes can be very nice, I'm personally infatuated with them. But yours seemed to cheapen the lyric, and I'm almost certain it could have been stronger without them.

Originally Posted by thamior

Alright, another critique while I wait for something to click in my brain.

I liked this one, the concept was nice, the images well done. All that brought it down for me were the rhymes. Rhymes can be very nice, I'm personally infatuated with them. But yours seemed to cheapen the lyric, and I'm almost certain it could have been stronger without them.

What parts specifically?

Most of the rhymes really. They just stuck out amidst the rest of the piece.

Parts I liked:

Verse 1, 2 and 3 (starting after whisper).

Pretty much I found it to be a solid piece, inspiring even. It's not that the rhymes weren't good, they just didn't seem to fit to me. I'd like to see what you could do without them in this particular piece.

I redid some of the whisper part:

Barren view, barren view
We must start anew
A face that's all of you
Proclaim love by time elapsed
Say it too soon
And watch all of it collapse


Let me know what you think.

I like it, good stuff man. That one seemed to come together better.