Song- Dug Up Demons - Writers Forum

Crash_Tomas · 06-08-2007, 10:31 PM

Haven't written lyrics in a while...this is a desperate attempt to get back on track...

Dug Up Demons

(Verse)
This may seem to be an everyday thing
But what you can only see is just the scar.
I can try and pretend that it hurts but
What good would that do?

(Chorus 1)
I’ve seen darkness rise and Angels fall
The Earth collide with the sides
Of Demons that I’ve tried to hide.
May I bury them deeper down?
Or would you rather me keep them around?

(Verse)
My heart has emptied everything it once held
Close and dear to it...
Now if I just let that sentence hang
Would it matter at all?
Or would it kill this entire song?

(Verse)
If I could fly towards the moon
I would stop beside the nearest star
To just look back at the view.
Then I’d be off again
Higher and higher up towards the sun
And more importantly...
My freedom!

(Chorus 2)
I’ve seen darkness rise and Angels fall
The Earth collide with the sides
Of Demons that I’ve tried to hide.
May I bury them deeper down?
Please just let them go deeper down!

(Verse)
You probably want me to dig
A ditch around my poor excuses for emotions.
And I think you’re right...
But what good would that do?

(Chorus 1)
I’ve seen darkness rise and Angels fall
The Earth collide with the sides
Of Demons that I’ve tried to hide.
May I bury them deeper down?
Or would you rather me keep them around?

Or would you rather me keep them around?
Please, don’t let me keep them around...

(Verse)
I think I’m considered as a broken man
My heart has been torn from my chest
Then thrown towards a fiery death.

(Chorus 1)
I’ve seen darkness rise and Angels fall
The Earth collide with the sides
Of Demons that I’ve tried to hide.
May I bury them deeper down?
Or would you rather me keep them around?

Would you rather me keep them around?
Or would you rather me...

thamior · 06-09-2007, 12:29 PM

It's a good restart, I liked it. Hopefully your inspiration will come back.

Crash_Tomas · 06-10-2007, 08:00 PM

Thanks Tham...

anyway, I have no idea what to do now, lol~

I'll just sit here and roam around a little...

Mouse · 06-11-2007, 02:06 AM

Nice write, I liked most of what you have written. I've read a lot of lyrics with the storyline you are portraying. I have had my doubts about some of them..... Sometimes with music added the song takes on a whole new path and meaning... becoming a really exciting piece to listen to.

Thanks.

Mouse.

Crash_Tomas · 07-19-2007, 02:57 PM

ohh, thank you very much...

T.W. North · 07-20-2007, 03:35 AM

Haha, you're in the same boat as me. I've written about two songs in as many months. It's painful, because I have ideas, just for some bizarre reason I can't find the inspiration to write them. Sucks truely.

Bu yeah, nice stuff for someone supposedly out of form. xD

Crash_Tomas · 07-20-2007, 02:08 PM

lol, I get by...

I-Play-Bass · 07-21-2007, 07:48 AM

I really like it, I like the way it's structured
Maybe I should start desperate attempts to get on the track to begin with if this is the kind of stuff that comes out!

Mystery · 07-21-2007, 06:43 PM

Quote:

(Verse)
This may seem to be an everyday thing
But what you can see is just the scar('Only' is unneeded)
I can try and pretend that it hurts but
What good would that do?

(Chorus 1)
I’ve seen darkness rise and Angels fall
The Earth collide with the sides (Really awkward half rhyme here)
Of Demons that I’ve tried to hide.
May I bury them deeper down?
Or would you rather me keep them around?(I felt like you could do a bit better here, especially since the chorus is what leaves the most impression on the listener}

(Verse)
My heart has emptied everything it once held
Close and dear to it...
Now if I just let that sentence hang
Would it matter at all?
Or would it kill this entire song?(This verse needs some reworking, you cut the flow and changed things a bit too much)

(Verse)
If I could fly towards the moon
I would stop beside the nearest star
To just look back at the view. (At this point, 'just' is getting repetitive)
Then I’d be off again
Higher and higher up towards the sun
And more importantly...(You're just being lazy here

, find an interesting way to phrase it, it's too bland as it is}
My freedom!

(Chorus 2)
I’ve seen darkness rise and Angels fall
The Earth collide with the sides
Of Demons that I’ve tried to hide.
May I bury them deeper down?
Please just let them go 'down deeper!' has a nicer ring to it

(Verse)
You probably want me to dig
A ditch around my poor excuses for emotions.
And I think you’re right...
But what good would that do?

(Chorus 1)
I’ve seen darkness rise and Angels fall
The Earth collide with the sides
Of Demons that I’ve tried to hide.
May I bury them deeper down?
Or would you rather me keep them around?

Or would you rather me keep them around?
Please, don’t let me keep them around...

(Verse)
I think I’m considered as a broken man
My heart has been torn from my chest
Then thrown towards a fiery death.(this could also use some brushing up, the flow leading to the rhyme makes it sound awkward)

(Chorus 1)
I’ve seen darkness rise and Angels fall
The Earth collide with the sides
Of Demons that I’ve tried to hide.
May I bury them deeper down?
Or would you rather me keep them around?

Would you rather me keep them around?
Or would you rather me...

I'm surprised no one is actually doing good lyric critiques anymore, looks like I have to stay away from fiction for a while.

(Yes, that's a subtle hint for you to read my stories and give me a critique, damn you!)

If you need some inspiration I could try to help ya out.

Crash_Tomas · 07-21-2007, 08:25 PM

hmm, about time I got one of those, thanks for the tips~ as I said before, it was a desperate attempt to get on track, so that was well needed~

thanks again, and will do~