By Iron and Blood - Writers Forum

DylanFan · 03-12-2007, 10:48 PM

Its been too long since ive last posted...ugg i almost forgot about the forum...how bad. Anyways heres a piece that shouldnt be too hard ot figure out. Its still in progress but the bones are really there. Maybe some tweaks but w/e.

By Iron and Blood

They talked me into another try
A fight for freedom we die by the lies
The surgeon’s knife, my vivisection
Endless battle, a social dissection
By iron and blood
The coffin is shut
By iron and blood

Shipped out, to foreign ports
We can’t disguise the intent
Unarmed citizens die, Necessary for defeat
A ruthless force distorted
Deicide, realize, divided

They talked me into another try
A fight for freedom we die by the lies
The surgeon’s knife, my vivisection
Endless battle, a social dissection
By iron and blood
The coffin is shut
By iron and blood

Mailed back, to united land
A soured soul to confide in
My eyes can’t see the holes in my hands
My bleeding heart is screaming
Internal cries of suicide, defeated

No peace, for the survivor
No honor in life over death
Time spent, cheap on maimed soldiers
Wasted away, defined by defect

They talked me into another try
A fight for freedom we die by the lies
The surgeon’s knife, my vivisection
Endless battle, a social dissection
By iron and blood
The coffin is shut
By iron and blood

T.W. North · 03-13-2007, 02:21 AM

Sounds like a song about either of the world wars...particularly the first one. =P Good, but I don't think anyone should attempt them, because frankly, you weren't there and it makes you sound somewhat like a try hard, because even the people who WERE there can't describe it properly. But yeah...nice try anyway.

DylanFan · 03-13-2007, 06:28 AM

well acctually i was going for the Iraq war. Hitting on both the outpaitent scandals that are going on now and the trauma a soldier goes through druing war.

Vasque · 03-13-2007, 10:43 AM

Some ideas for you...

They talked me into another TOUR
A fight for freedom, THE WORLD THE LOSER
The surgeon’s knife, my vivisection
Endless battle, a social dissection
By iron and blood
The coffin is shut
By iron and blood

Shipped out, to foreign ports
We can’t disguise the intent
Unarmed citizens die, JUST A PART OF WAR
A ruthless force distorted

They talked me into another TOUR
A fight for freedom, THE WORLD THE LOSER
The surgeon’s knife, my vivisection
Endless battle, a social dissection
By iron and blood
The coffin is shut
By iron and blood

Mailed back, to DIVIDED land
A soured soul to confide in
My eyes can’t see the holes in my hands
My bleeding heart is screaming
Internal cries of suicide, defeatING

No peace, for the survivor
No honor in life over death
Time spent, cheap on WOUNDED MEN
Wasted away, defined by defect

T.W. North · 03-14-2007, 02:26 AM

No offense Vasque - but stop giving ideas, you don't really know what you're on about and your ideas just ruin stuff. These are songs, not poems.

And DylanFan...well, I don't know much about the Iraqi war, but I didn't think the troops were basically cannon fodder in this one...so yeah, that's why I didn't think it'd be about it.

DylanFan · 03-14-2007, 06:33 AM

yeah its a but of a hyperbole but thats what songs and poetry do...thanks for the imput but for the most part i like what ive already got there over the suggestions.

Vasque · 03-14-2007, 09:48 AM

TW: No offense, but stop giving ideas? How does that work?

I haven't been on this board much lately, and will only be coming here occassionally, but I'll try to remember not to crit your stuff.

I won't get into a debate about how good your work or mine is, so don't bait me to. Good luck on your writing.

salad days · 03-14-2007, 04:54 PM

When I read Iron and Blood I can't help but think of Iron and Wine.. sam is awesome.

DylanFan · 03-14-2007, 07:08 PM

yea ive thought of that too; however this is far from a folk song. its acctually part of a quote from otto van bismark

L00kbackinanger · 03-14-2007, 07:22 PM

Bit of a cliche overall I'd say. Protest songs are rooted in the sixties, and u cant really get away from that feeling when writing them.

DylanFan · 03-14-2007, 07:51 PM

You could say that, but i think its untrue. Plus its far from a folk song when the music is in dropped d

T.W. North · 03-15-2007, 01:34 AM

Vasque, there's a difference between criting and putting words into a writers hand. You're doing the latter. Frankly, your 'crit' is just telling us to make our stuff more simple, more cliche, more boring. So rather than hint at a totally different wording, how about proper constructive crit?

Wyndstar · 03-15-2007, 09:34 AM

This doesn't stike me as a folk song. The flow moves to quick and rough. Its not bad--not sure I'd sing it to the troops over in the sand right now, but its surely not bad.

DylanFan · 03-15-2007, 03:17 PM

No, its not going to be the best thing for moral... Its at a fast pace, probably hard rock/metal sound to it idk yet im just starting on the music.

DylanFan · 03-15-2007, 04:51 PM

Thanks for that. Im just glad u got what i was saying...it didnt seem like anything but straight forward to me. Anyways thanks to everyone who has taken a look at this piece.