Thread: Song - Separated

Interestingly enough this shares the same word with another lyric I've recently written, separate. However, they are of different topics. The first one is really about an alienation from the world, and never knowing my mother, wondering if those things in my personality, the things I feel, come from here. So the lyric was in essence, asking what questions I would ask her if I had the chance.

This one is about a very old topic, one that I can't quite seem to move past. It's sorrowful, and thus very much like my other pieces, but there is another feeling evident here, and I want to see if it's easy to pick up on.

On a side not, I've got some cool concepts running through my head right now, and if I can get them on paper I might turn out some interesting concepts.

I'm confused about the feelings of my own heart,
wandering around and I don't know where to start.
I find I'm tripping over my own two feet,
do I know who I am and what is me?

Feeling empty and lifeless-palest flesh my skin,
holding all the misery-trapping it within.
Looking in the mirror I'm ugly and abused,
tired and weary I'm afraid I'm of no use.

Chorus:
It was never about me,
it was never about you.
it was about us
and what we were meant to go through.
But we never made it
now I feel so separated.

I miss the smiles that brought me up when I was down,
now I wander the world to be lost and never found.
Sometimes I catch myself asking if you feel the same,
in a hollow world where life seems so mundane.

I've got the gun with the trigger right along my finger
I used to live but now I merely roam and linger.
Life is no longer what it used to be to me,
I find there's no reason left that I should breathe.

*chorus*

"I used to love you once" rings the echo of her voice
and I replied that she left me by her willing choice.
That she broke my heart and thre all my love away
she was the one to leave and I remained to stay.

*chorus*




I'm not much a fan of the first three lines in the chorus, the concept is perfect, but was approached terribly, other than that there are some flow issues that I picked up on. But I'm done with my own self critique, I want to know what you make of it.

ah, well this one wasn't about my mother. It was about a broken relationship. "Separate Myself" was, but there is no ill feeling towards her, she didn't choose to leave, she passed away in a car accident. But from what i've heard, of both my parents I would be most like her. So in that other lyric, I expressed questions I would have liked to ask her.

Pain is certainly evident in this one, still another feeling I'm hoping people can see. Every heartbreak song has pain, I'm hoping something more came across in this one. If not, then there's always another time to try again.

Originally Posted by T.W. North

To be blunt, I don't dig it. Not at all. There is a fine line between lyrics and poems, and it's sometimes hard to see the difference, but this most certainly is more a poem than a lyric...the lines are just too long. (on that note, what sort of song is this actually meant to be?)

I'd guess you'd want specifics on what I don't like, but there's so much of it, I'll go in the other direction and tell you what I DO like (and the following lines are the only ones I do):

"I'm confused about the feelings of my own heart,
wandering around and I don't know where to start."

"Looking in the mirror I'm ugly and abused"

...yeah...pretty much it. I didn't feel the emotion within this, I didn't like your wording...and yeah, apart from the fact that a few lines point out that you're totally blank about it all, all you see is the cliched pain done in a cliched way. Sorry...I really don't like it. You've done so much better before.



(yeah, and now, as usual, I'll ask you to check out my lyrics...there's quite a few actually =P)

Theres no point trying to explain these things to thamior, he immediately assumes the stance that you are trying to mold your writing style into his and dismisses all your comments.

Originally Posted by T.W. North

To be blunt, I don't dig it. Not at all. There is a fine line between lyrics and poems, and it's sometimes hard to see the difference, but this most certainly is more a poem than a lyric...the lines are just too long. (on that note, what sort of song is this actually meant to be?)

I'd guess you'd want specifics on what I don't like, but there's so much of it, I'll go in the other direction and tell you what I DO like (and the following lines are the only ones I do):

"I'm confused about the feelings of my own heart,
wandering around and I don't know where to start."

"Looking in the mirror I'm ugly and abused"

...yeah...pretty much it. I didn't feel the emotion within this, I didn't like your wording...and yeah, apart from the fact that a few lines point out that you're totally blank about it all, all you see is the cliched pain done in a cliched way. Sorry...I really don't like it. You've done so much better before.



(yeah, and now, as usual, I'll ask you to check out my lyrics...there's quite a few actually =P)

hmmm, well most certainly poems are lyrics, and vice versa. There isa flow to this, though I myself found it a bit rough in places. MY lines do tend be long, though these lines were particulary long even for me, so Ido see your points, however it is still a lyric.

Technical things aside, I can see that my point didn't get across. I was trying to convey the feelings of emptiness and numbness in a break-up as opposed to the cliché angst and pain. From T.W's comments I realize that my lines were misinterpreted as dull and blank, and in some cases their are clichés of heartbreak and pain that end up ruining the potrayal. I don't have any ideas for a lyric at the moment, so this one will go through a complete rewrite.

Oh, and Mystery, shut-up, I will report you the next time I see you post on the threads of my lyrics. You were already told to stop by a Mod.

Stomping over my first amendment eh?

first off, you have expressed that you are not an American citizen, thus there are no first ammendment rights extended to you by the country in which I live. Secondly, all memebers, upon registering, agree to adhere to the rules set out by the forum. A portion of those rules gives the Mods certain governing powers to ensure that the boards to not erupt and disintigrate into arguing babble. Thus when a Mod tells two users to stop posting to one another's threads then they must. It's as if you were in someone's house and they said, "stop talking or get out" you would be compeled to listen to them, they would not be breaking the law by ejecting you for your comments. OR better yet, replace the house with library or any other public place. If you fail to adhere to those rules you can be removed.

I will admit, I've posted to your threads, but always in neutral critique of the works at hand. If you wish for that to end, merely say so and I will desist, as there is no sense in critiquing a poster who will not read the critiques I post. Your post on my thread was not a neutral critique, but was rather a misleading statement made to another memeber. In fact, very misleading. I did in fact do a rewrite because I do take to heart real critiques that I feel are of some weight, including his.

And in that light, here is the rewrite:

The emptiness in motion
a void passing over the wind.
The silence of emotion
the lack of feeling under the skin.

Sitting there with lidless eyes
staring into nothing and something the same.
Unable to form the tears to cry
a hollow shell with only a name.

Chorus:
I could say you took me up
and crashed me down.
That I had enough
of you around.
But there's this empty hole inside of me.
And I cannot mourn
I cannot grieve.

The lamps don't glow with light
on the empty streets I walk.
Vestiges of another time
when beauty held me in awe.

Now cold rushes through my veins
and stops my breath before I breathe.
There's no need to kill the pain
because there's nothing to kill inside of me.

I've got the gun with the trigger right along my finger
I used to live but now I merely roam and linger.
Life is no longer what it used to be to me,
I find there's no reason left that I should breathe.


*chorus*

Sometimes I wish there was regret
saying something that I should have left unsaid.
Things that I would try to forget
but it was nearly perfect-now I'm separated.

*chorus*

I wish hurt would dance within my eyes
because now I'm so indifferent to it all.
It seems the world has fed me lies
on life and love and how men fall.

Bridge:
The beating heart has stopped,
you did not tear it out.
I have no blood left to bleed,
I'm no longer who I used to be.
I remember-you forgot.
I kept going-you changed route.
I believed- you left me.
now I no longer have the will to breathe.

*chorus*


Working on another lyric, the next one about not fitting in with the world. Let me know what you think of the rewrite.

A member on another forum indicated liking:

I've got the gun with the trigger right along my finger
I used to live but now I merely roam and linger.
Life is no longer what it used to be to me,
I find there's no reason left that I should breathe.

I too liked this part and would like to include it in my rewrite, suggestions on where it might be placed are looked for

First off, you've made 3 people leave this forum that I know off, so I wouldn't talk about rules of prevention of disintegration of the forum or the lyrics section, seeing as you are the main contributor.
Secondly, Freedom of speech extends beyond the USA.
Third, you only hear what you want, so I'm gonna sit down and show you why I don't like this, constructively.

The emptiness in motion
a void passing over the wind.
The silence of emotion
the lack of feeling under the skin.

Like I suggested, read Charlotte Grey, your over complicated constant use of flamboyant vocabulary dulls the blade so to speak. No emotion gets across with this because it comes of as WANTING to write emotionally and failing to do so. You always come off as thinking "well, the more advanced my vocabulary and the more colorful my language, the better my writing and the better my emotion".
That is not the case, plus you use a very typical wannabe-sad emotion writing style. Under the skin, Void, emptiness in motion. Using two words that barely seem to not directly contrast in each other to sort of mold a feeling or deeper thought.

Sitting there with lidless eyes
staring into nothing and something the same.
Unable to form the tears to cry
a hollow shell with only a name.

I just find this as an attempt to come off deep, but it really just transmits the idea that you're day dreaming. Also, lidless eyes is a very bad description. I initially read it as "idleless" eyes and thought "wow, he managed to connect 2 lines together to form a complete image". And then I Read lidless, it's an attempt to use over the top language to get your point across while also making it "seem cool"
The second two lines are boring, this is because if you've ever felt intense emotional pain, one of two things happens.
You cry, or you try hard not to cry.

Chorus:
I could say you took me up
and crashed me down.
That I had enough
of you around.
But there's this empty hole inside of me.
And I cannot mourn
I cannot grieve.

The first 4 lines smell of some Avril lavinge-esque wannabe punk and lacks the flamboyant language that is present in the verses, see how this is quickly becoming a missmatch of styles? Then it breaks off in itself with the last 2 lines which seem like some Goth/Emo poetic attempt at deepness trying to convey an emotion or intense pain or remorse or even the disability to do something out of understanding or strength or one of those little emotions that get through at the force of a feather launched from a catapult. Basically you started as Thamior, cut of to Avril Lavinge, and then deteriorated into The ramsus.

The lamps don't glow with light
on the empty streets I walk.
Vestiges of another time
when beauty held me in awe.

Again with the overdone languages, honestly how many people do you think know what the fuck vestiges are or will care to look it up at this stage?
This is where your writing inabilities begin to surface, leaving meaningless and abstract questions, that pull away focus from the listener or reader. If the lights don't shine with light what do they glow with? It's pretend deep stuff like that that turns mainstream crap into just crap. Thamior, Lavinge, Rasmus, Kelly Clarkson.
And no one said "when beauty held me in awe". Get over it, Shakespearian ages THAT A WAY.
And this verse of whatever just doesn't mold in with the rest, it like it shifts out and then back in and you're just left going "wait... what...."

Now cold rushes through my veins
and stops my breath before I breathe.
There's no need to kill the pain
because there's nothing to kill inside of me.

ARGH "and stops my breath before I breathe."
It's things like that that utterly horrify me. You not only pose pointless questions but you answer pointless ones aswell.
The last two lines are just... pathetic... even for your emo-esque poetry it's really really bad. I mean common, thats one of those times you WANT intricate and flamboyant language and thoughts and overdone metaphors, and its just out there, plain and dull. It's also so over the top cliche I nearly spat out my coffee with the hope my screen would explode and the fragments of glass would gouge my eyes out. No luck, Ill get back to you if I am successful.

Sometimes I wish there was regret
saying something that I should have left unstated. (was previously unsaid, debating the two right now)
Things that I would try to forget
but it was nearly perfect-now I'm separated.

Where these lines Lose most of their power --
Sometimes I wish.
Unstated.
Nearly Perfect.
When you start with this crappy cliche line, and delve into a major cliche, this song starts sinking from average commercial Clarksonish song into just cliche. And you know what happens when you hear something too much? It gets boring. Unstated was forced, miserably, and just feels awkward in whole.
The last two lines just make me wonder " where does this fit in?" I think I've read those lines in just your song's six or so times? Never written with any sort of flamboyant-ness or even basically with a care or thought over it. IT's as if you put so much effort into turning the pointless stuff to overdone, that you forget the things that NEED the vocabulary and are complimented by the color.

I wish hurt would dance within my eyes
because now I'm so indifferent to it all.
It seems the world has fed me lies
on life and love and how men fall.

At this point, the song has become so cliche and dull that no matter what you write, I've either changed the song or have stopped caring.
It gets more cliche and more cliche, and the first line almost has that deeper thought but it gets sucked out by the rest of this.
When you display doubt in "it SEEMs the world.." it looses all the power it would have otherwise carried.
The last line is the first original and ACTUAL WORTHWHILE thing I've read in this. It's like WHAM, this makes sense!!

The beating heart has stopped,
you did not tear it out.
I have no blood left to bleed,
I'm no longer who I used to be.
I remember-you forgot.
I kept going-you changed route.
I believed- you left me.
now I no longer have the will to breathe.

Cliche, boring, dull. Also breaks flow. Also has lack of confidence and too much "I think" and "Maybe" to carry across the message.

Theres my completely legitimate take on this Lyrics.

Mystery, I will explain why your critique is absolutely ridiculous later. It is the very reason why I asked that you desist to critique my works, your critiques are filled with such an evident bias that it makes you look like a flailing idiot. I dont care if three people left this forum because of me, ask any person here. I have had my spats in the past, I am not detrimental to this forum.

Like I suggested, read Charlotte Grey, your over complicated constant use of flamboyant vocabulary dulls the blade so to speak.

There is no over complicated, flamboyant use of words in this lyric.
The fact that your vocabulary is more limited than mine doesn't mean
that I'm trying to build myself up with grandiose words. The words I
use in my lyrics are words I use in my language, I never look up a
word that I use in a lyric unless I believe I know its meaning but I
want to double check. That is a rare occurance and is more often
because that particular word is used in everyday language for various things.
The fact that I'm verbose should never scare anyone away. In fact, you make
yourself a hypocrite with that statement. In earlier arguments you
clearly stated that the words in my songs were too simple, and now they're
too complicated. Make up your mind.

No emotion gets across with this because it comes of as WANTING to write emotionally and failing to do so.

No Mystery, I wouldn't trust a thing you say because I know how biased and unobjective
you can get with your critiques. If others say they cannot connect, then I am more apt
to see a flaw. However, I will admit that it is hard to portray what I would wish
because I am trying to convery a feeling of emptiness. Not of pain, or sadness, but of
emptiness, you clearly show you don't know what you're talking about later on when you
describe me as trying to achieve sadness, at no point do I do that.

Oh, it's right after that, wonderful

plus you use a very typical wannabe-sad emotion writing style.

No, it's not meant to be sad at all. hence words like, "indifferent", "empty", and "lack of feeling".

I just find this as an attempt to come off deep, but it really just transmits the idea that you're day dreaming.

No, in fact it shows you cannot go deep enough since you simply see it as day dreaming. Lidless eyes would convey
a stare of sorts, one of those blank stares that often convey emptiness, and lack of feeling, which is the point
of the lyric.

And then I Read lidless, it's an attempt to use over the top language to get your point across while also making it "seem cool"

not at all, it is simply a way to describe staring, which is "showing" rather than "telling". Other words would be
unblinking, gaze and stare, the later of which are "Telling" rather than "showing" and therefore much weaker.

The second two lines are boring, this is because if you've ever felt intense emotional pain, one of two things happens.
You cry, or you try hard not to cry.

I've felt intense emotional pain, and actually I'm a psych major, don't tell me how emotion works. There's a state of mind
called shock. People enter this when it goes beyond intense emotional pain. In shock you are numb, you feel nothing, which
is the gist of the whole lyric.

The first 4 lines smell of some Avril lavinge-esque wannabe punk and lacks the flamboyant language that is present in the verses, see how this is quickly becoming a missmatch of styles? Then it breaks off in itself with the last 2 lines which seem like some Goth/Emo poetic attempt at deepness trying to convey an emotion or intense pain or remorse or even the disability to do something out of understanding or strength or one of those little emotions that get through at the force of a feather launched from a catapult. Basically you started as Thamior, cut of to Avril Lavinge, and then deteriorated into The ramsus.

Actually, it's the anti-cliché, hence the "I could say:", but I don't because they aren't true. They are cliché's, I never crashed down
or anything like that, I went into shock.

Again with the overdone languages, honestly how many people do you think know what the fuck vestiges are or will care to look it up at this stage?

that's your problem, I used Vestiges because it was the word that fit best with the lyric. A synomonm would be useless. But useless
is two syllables and has a very pronounced "u" sound, and when used it doesn't flow nearly as well as vestiges, they mean the same thing, one flows better,

This is where your writing inabilities begin to surface, leaving meaningless and abstract questions, that pull away focus from the listener or reader. If the lights don't shine with light what do they glow with? It's pretend deep stuff like that that turns mainstream crap into just crap.

Writing inabilities? funny, you're the only one that's ever told me that I cannot write...

as for lights that don't glow. It's actually a rather unique image for lights that are off....somehow thinking too hard made you miss that one didn't it?

And no one said "when beauty held me in awe".

exactly, but I did, and most would agree, when something truly beautiful crosses their path, they are held in awe.

And this verse of whatever just doesn't mold in with the rest, it like it shifts out and then back in and you're just left going "wait... what...."

actually it fits perfectly, a street with lights that don't glow (or shine) is fairly empty (the point of the song). Thus
the lights are vestiges (useless things) of another time (When they did shine) and thus there was all kinds of activity, and beauty that held me in awe.
The things in parantheses are things that any average readers should be able to infer. I doubt most people would look at that and go, "wait...what...."

ARGH "and stops my breath before I breathe."
It's things like that that utterly horrify me. You not only pose pointless questions but you answer pointless ones aswell.
The last two lines are just... pathetic... even for your emo-esque poetry it's really really bad. I mean common, thats one of those times you WANT intricate and flamboyant language and thoughts and overdone metaphors, and its just out there, plain and dull. It's also so over the top cliche I nearly spat out my coffee with the hope my screen would explode and the fragments of glass would gouge my eyes out. No luck, Ill get back to you if I am successful.

Tis a shame, that's your problem. Stops my breath before I breathe is a fairly vivid image of the entire feeling of emptiness.
When you feel empty everything that's normal (like breathing) seems kind of like living. The metaphor that it uses has been used, but is not overdone,
essentially everything that's normal, breathing (Which equals living) becomes useless and pointless (thus living becomes useless and pointless), did you get it? great! I knew you could.

Where these lines Lose most of their power --
Sometimes I wish.
Unstated.
Nearly Perfect.
When you start with this crappy cliche line, and delve into a major cliche, this song starts sinking from average commercial Clarksonish song into just cliche. And you know what happens when you hear something too much? It gets boring. Unstated was forced, miserably, and just feels awkward in whole.
The last two lines just make me wonder " where does this fit in?" I think I've read those lines in just your song's six or so times? Never written with any sort of flamboyant-ness or even basically with a care or thought over it. IT's as if you put so much effort into turning the pointless stuff to overdone, that you forget the things that NEED the vocabulary and are complimented by the color.

The only thing you come close to touching is "unstated" I also agree that it is a bit weak, thus the question that followed it.
the rest of it is all wrong. The standard (And thus cliché) is to talk about pain and such in break-ups, where this clearly talks about
shock, something beyond pain. IT gets to the point where you wish you could feel something, even pain, just to break up the monotone nothingness.

At this point, the song has become so cliche and dull that no matter what you write, I've either changed the song or have stopped caring.
It gets more cliche and more cliche, and the first line almost has that deeper thought but it gets sucked out by the rest of this.
When you display doubt in "it SEEMs the world.." it looses all the power it would have otherwise carried.
The last line is the first original and ACTUAL WORTHWHILE thing I've read in this. It's like WHAM, this makes sense!!

Ditto what I said above, it makes sense because when you feel nothing, it gets to the point where you yearn to feel anything, even pain just so you can
break up the monotone nothingness.

As for the last line,
that's great, I'm glad you didn't want to strangle yourself over at least one line.

Cliche, boring, dull. Also breaks flow. Also has lack of confidence and too much "I think" and "Maybe" to carry across the message.

all of them are actually anti-cliché
you hear too much about how someone ripped someone's heart out. That doesnt even make sense, thus the
"The beating heart has stopped,
you did not tear it out."

You hear too much about bleeding, and I myself am guilty of that. I believe it to be a more legitimate cliché, but cliché none the less thus,
"I have no blood left to bleed,"
rather it's more apt to say
"I'm no longer who I used to be."

People talk about forgetting, things like that. It's all cliché, you don't forget
"I remember-you forgot."
The only person who moved on was her, I never did.

People often talking about going separate ways, but we didn't go separate ways, she went her separate way. I kept going forward, thus:
"I kept going-you changed route."

This one is more for emphasis, I wasn't the one that broke it up, I believed in it, I still do:
"I believed- you left me."

The only one guilty of being a little cliché, but it's quite fitting and it works.
"now I no longer have the will to breathe."

Theres my completely legitimate take on this Lyrics.

I think few people will see this as anything other than the biased bullcrap that it is, and is why I asked you to stop critiquing my lyrics.
I was going to critique your lyric, but then I realized you'd never read it, so I didn't waste my time. You should do the same.

You guys aren't really getting anywhere. Mystery, I don't know you or your work, and even I could see that all you were doing was trying to condone the fact that you hate everything Thamior comes out with. In that case, why bother clicking on the link in the first place? And Thamior, I don't think you need to explain yourself. I thought this was actually one of your better pieces, even if the emotion was sort of the same as a lot of your other lyrics. Not to take sides, but this is Thamior's thread, and if he doesn't want you here, you probably shouldn't be.

The reason I was posting, though: What if you put that verse from your old one (which by the way was one of my favourites too, from the first version) right after this verse?:

Now cold rushes through my veins
and stops my breath before I breathe.
There's no need to kill the pain
because there's nothing to kill inside of me.

Because then you go into talking about how there's nothing left to kill, and I think it makes an interesting kind of loop in thinking.

I really liked the rewrite better than your first version. The numbness came through much better. I thought I had caught onto it through the first go, but it's much clearer now.

Originally Posted by WrittenEscape

You guys aren't really getting anywhere. Mystery, I don't know you or your work, and even I could see that all you were doing was trying to condone the fact that you hate everything Thamior comes out with. In that case, why bother clicking on the link in the first place? And Thamior, I don't think you need to explain yourself. I thought this was actually one of your better pieces, even if the emotion was sort of the same as a lot of your other lyrics. Not to take sides, but this is Thamior's thread, and if he doesn't want you here, you probably shouldn't be.

The reason I was posting, though: What if you put that verse from your old one (which by the way was one of my favourites too, from the first version) right after this verse?:
Because then you go into talking about how there's nothing left to kill, and I think it makes an interesting kind of loop in thinking.

I really liked the rewrite better than your first version. The numbness came through much better. I thought I had caught onto it through the first go, but it's much clearer now.

makes sense to me. Though I do have one question, if you caught on to the numbness aspect, why is that the same as you've seen from other lyrics I've written?

my new lyric should be of a different attitude though . It's about not fitting in, but it has a different tone. will post it tomorrow.

thank you, I agree. In the end unstated merely rhymed better, but unsaid flowed a lot better. I tend to go with flow over rhyme, but I tried giving it a shot. *is changing*