Song #1 from Challenge - We'll Make It Through - Writers Forum

thamior · 12-03-2006, 07:18 PM

This song seemed terrible at first, but it grew on me. The chorus lack a little something, maybe I'll revisit it (also a few flow issues). And I made a little recording of it, just don't sue me for a bad voice.

blue denotes a change from what was sung

http://www.savefile.com/files/312757

He grew up in a farm-boy town,
where nothing was expected of his life.
And she grew up all around,
but she was new to the simple times.

And all of his life was to work,
school merely passed the time between.
He wanted to make his mark,
for his grandma taught him to dream.

She was new in the town of nowhere,
but she knew how to make herself a name.
She laughed at his dreams of lofty air
and told him that life was only pain.

The roads they walked were lonely,
and their hearts cried out for something more.
By chance they came to be,
throwing rocks by a river shore.

Her eyes were blue like a sapphire crown,
and she had a precious sparkle to her smile.
His eyes were of the deepest brown,
where she could lose herself awhile.

Chorus:
He said:
"I can't save you,
from this world of broken promises.
but take my hand,
and together we'll get through this"

She didn't know how she fell,
she didn't know why she loved him.
She was supposed to cast the spell,
how could she have been taken.

He had become the envy,
but there were no praises or crown of kings.
Only stares of hate-filled greed,
and threats of the pain they would bring.

*chorus*

And they took him in a corner,
where the darkness hid everything in sight.
An unknown face screamed murder,
as their fists and kicks left him blind.

In a hospital bed she found him,
bruised and wounded with broken bones he lay.
And under her breath she cursed them,
but he held up his hand to say...
*chorus* x2 (skip "he said:" first time through)

Sigur Rós · 12-03-2006, 07:30 PM

theur should either be theur' or their, depending if your using an accent.

The repitition for crown stook out for me

and I'm sure it's: 'of' hate-filled greed

Very interesting, sounds like an amazing folk song. I could see Bob Dylan singing this. It's definantly an improvement of creativity.

thamior · 12-03-2006, 09:25 PM

all typos except for the repetition of crown...did it really bother you? or are you just pissed off about having to hear my voice?

The Amory Warrior · 12-03-2006, 09:56 PM

Wow, this is a major departure from anything else I've read of yours. I really enjoyed this, too. Aside from flow, I can't think of much to say for criticism.

thamior · 12-03-2006, 10:14 PM

well any suggestions for flow? I know it's screwed up, and it's something I pride myself on.

Sigur Rós · 12-04-2006, 02:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thamior

all typos except for the repetition of crown...did it really bother you? or are you just pissed off about having to hear my voice?

What do you mean about having to hear your voice lol?

It's just better to be as creative as you can with description. I mean, the first ones so ease to change to something else like-saphire amulet or something. It's not a big deal though, I was just giving a small suggestion.

thamior · 12-04-2006, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sigur Rós

What do you mean about having to hear your voice lol?

It's just better to be as creative as you can with description. I mean, the first ones so ease to change to something else like-saphire amulet or something. It's not a big deal though, I was just giving a small suggestion.

it kills the rhyme, if anything the second crown would go.

Sigur Rós · 12-04-2006, 02:38 PM

Well, do as you please, it's you're peice. I'm not saying it's some kind of big trajic ordeal, just a nitpick.

thamior · 12-04-2006, 02:39 PM

the flow is tragic though...

Sigur Rós · 12-04-2006, 02:52 PM

I can't really say anything about flow, I don't think it really matters if it's good when it's sung'. Flow is for the reader more than the listener. You're the master of flow though, so, the only way I can think to make it easier for you, is to change the overall beat of the poem.

thamior · 12-04-2006, 03:02 PM

well that's what I mean, I tend to be good with flow, but this one isn't consistent. IT jumps everywhere....there isn't one general beat that works with it.

Emerson Darkness · 12-04-2006, 03:24 PM

It was good. I think some more repetition could help it though.

"She was new in the town of nowhere"

That's a good line for setting atmosphere. Make more use of it -- its cool! If Bob Dylan were to do this song, I strongly believe he would repeat this line, or something resembling these words again. He knows how to pick out the stuff that people want to hear really well.

Listen to "Like a Rolling Stone" It may seem unorganized to the casual listener, and it was long, but repetition held that song together. He repeated all the right parts at the right time.

thamior · 12-04-2006, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emerson Darkness

It was good. I think some more repetition could help it though.

"She was new in the town of nowhere"

That's a good line for setting atmosphere. Make more use of it -- its cool! If Bob Dylan were to do this song, I strongly believe he would repeat this line, or something resembling these words again. He knows how to pick out the stuff that people want to hear really well.

Listen to "Like a Rolling Stone" It may seem unorganized to the casual listener, and it was long, but repetition held that song together. He repeated all the right parts at the right time.

I've heard like a rolling stone

Sigur Rós · 12-04-2006, 08:07 PM

If you've only heard the country-crap-like a rolling stone, you need to hear Dylan's.