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| Lyrics Original Song Lyrics. |
10-06-2006, 04:23 PM
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#1
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Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Southampton
Gender: Male
Posts: 17
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Frozen In Time
My first song I have wrote please feedback what you think!
A new dawn on the horizon,
As another year passes by,
Time moves on without you,
As progression you deny.
You stand firm, on sinking sands,
Whilst firm ground lies a step away
Afraid of changes faced with you,
Scared to sail to distant lands.
Stuck, you can’t go no further,
Stuck, but you won’t move over,
Stuck, and you’re life is now slipping away...
Can’t you see that you’re frozen in time?
Can’t you see that you live on the borderline?
Can’t you see that you’re caught in the past?
Can’t you see that you’ll never last?
Can’t you see that you’re frozen in time?
Can’t you see that you live on the borderline?
Can’t you see that you’re near to the end?
Can’t you see that the laws of time will not bend?
You stand alone in this desolate place,
Your life, under fire from your own self-destruction,
Feeling crowded in an empty space,
Whilst death is waiting for your induction.
Stuck, you can’t go no further,
Stuck, but you won’t move over,
Stuck, and you’re life is now slipping away...
Can’t you see that you’re frozen in time?
Can’t you see that you live on the borderline?
Can’t you see that you’re caught in the past?
Can’t you see that you’ll never last?
Can’t you see that you’re frozen in time?
Can’t you see that you live on the borderline?
Can’t you see that you’re near to the end?
Can’t you see that the laws of time will not bend?
Lying in your own ruin,
Death’s potion is now brewing,
Your life’s machine stops turning,
And your remains are burning.
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10-06-2006, 05:58 PM
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#2
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,358
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Welcome to the forums! Hope you've got a thick skin 
Last line in the first verse reads really awkwardly to me.
Ditto for the repetition of the word "firm" in the second verse, and the phrasing of the third line (changes faced with you? changes faced by you maybe?"
The chorus was actually annoying to read because of the repetition. I'd rework that somewhat - it's just a little overdone.
Maybe drop the "Your life" from the second line of the thrid verse.
Change the Whilst" - it really stands out from the rest of the language used.
Last line of the lyric is a little forced.
Overall, good first effort. Looking forward to seeing more of your writings.
__________________
Every artist is a cannibal; Every poet is a thief All kill the inspiration; and sing about the grief - U2
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
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10-06-2006, 06:51 PM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Indiana
Gender: Male
Posts: 371
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very repetitive so i guess i could only see this as being a punk or heavy metal song. Not bad though, so keep goin at it
__________________
Looking down at my shoes, What am I doing here?
Forgive My Horrible Typing In The Meantime.
I Am Currently Recovering For Surgery On My Hand
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10-07-2006, 02:50 PM
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#4
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Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Southampton
Gender: Male
Posts: 17
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Thanks for the feedback. However I am stuck on what i could use instead of whilst in the last line of the 3rd verse. No other words seems to make sense there.
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10-07-2006, 03:26 PM
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#5
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: wherever I wish it to be
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,487
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you could just use while, it fits fine.
I enjoyed the lyric, very well done, especially for a first. However the chorus was a bit too repetitve for me. If you had left that repetitive 4 word phrase at maybe 4 lines or so, it would be awesome, but as it is, there's just way too much of it.
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10-08-2006, 09:44 PM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The penis of the USA :)
Gender: Male
Posts: 286
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im in ap english so i get to use phancy words like anaphora woohoo. lol anyways i think its really good for a first lyric. ur chorus is a perfect example of an anaphora though it is kinda repetative.
nice job though keep at it
__________________
In a many dark hour
I've been thinkin' about this
That Jesus Christ
Was betrayed by a kiss
But I can't think for you
You'll have to decide
Whether Judas Iscariot
Had God on his side.
~Bob Dylan~
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10-08-2006, 11:14 PM
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#7
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: wherever I wish it to be
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,487
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by DylanFan
im in ap english so i get to use phancy words like anaphora woohoo. lol anyways i think its really good for a first lyric. ur chorus is a perfect example of an anaphora though it is kinda repetative.
nice job though keep at it
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haha, I'm jealous of thee, I should have been in AP english *curses old school* but I'm in college now, so there's nothing I can do about it.  I have other bits of pride to stand on instead *shakes fist at school* |
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10-09-2006, 09:07 PM
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#8
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The penis of the USA :)
Gender: Male
Posts: 286
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haha true that
__________________
In a many dark hour
I've been thinkin' about this
That Jesus Christ
Was betrayed by a kiss
But I can't think for you
You'll have to decide
Whether Judas Iscariot
Had God on his side.
~Bob Dylan~
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