The "D33.terminat.i0n" Virus - Writers Forum

demon_ · 08-13-2006, 09:17 PM

The Determination Disease

You fall under our ambitions.
The desire was so close to done, and you missed it.
It feels like there's a knife in your back
(Can you pull it out? X2)
but no one seems to care.
All you do is mourn and all else fails,
(I'm in a constant state of stepping on nails)

... and you bleed it all to an end

The walls are white, the bed so hard,
and this mask is your dearest friend.
This ends when you go and give up
(I'm tired of that beeping keeping me alive!)
... and you've had enough
The walls are white, the bed so hard,
and this mask is your dearest love
and it ends when you finally give up
(I've had enough! X2)

The hall is ever so long, so many faces.
Here it goes again..., the fed air forced your friend.
(The only thing I can talk to!)

They're trying to make it feel better,
but you're feeling more sick.
(This is not what I wanted X2)

...amidst the doubt, a forgotten face appears an reopens your eyes,
she appears and talks endlessly, giving the psychiatric cure for the disease...

“There's a little more in the fail than having to escape...
You're going to have to get back up and redefine what you can take.

There's always this moment where you feel like shit,
the self doubt masks you inside out. Define it.”

... the disease is fading out!
... finally fading out!

~~~~~~~~~~

Just to remind, this was completely suppose to be imagery. no real flow is involved. I hardly worked that out, lol.

It's screemo, so it's easier for me to find it's fluency.

Just look at it for imagery and what works and not.

Thanks, lol.

Shawn · 08-13-2006, 09:22 PM

Sorry for the hate... but I hate screemo. Maybe you should get Ewido Anti-Virus and get rid of it... just kidding.

It's pretty good; 'cept for the screemo part.

demon_ · 08-13-2006, 09:25 PM

I know lots of hatas....lol
It's cool to hate screem0...that's why it's made

Lol

mandax · 08-13-2006, 09:27 PM

While I don't like screamo (and you already know that), I did enjoy these lyrics.

Quote:

...amidst the doubt, a forgotten, lost face appears an reopens your eyes,
she appears up and talks endlessly, giving the psychiatric cure for the disease...

I liked this, but I think it's too long. Try cutting out adjectives that aren't necessary, like removing either "forgotten" or "lost" in the first line. Also, "appears up" is kind of weird. I would cut that out as well.

And that's about it.

demon_ · 08-13-2006, 09:28 PM

Nice call.

Glad you enjoyed