Perplexity - Writers Forum

mandax · 08-13-2006, 03:06 PM

Off Topic:

Don't be fooled by the number of replies, only one person has critiqued.

I see hot air balloons,
Being popped by sky needles.
Little kid cartoons,
Singing songs by the Beatles.
Maybe it's morphine,
Or maybe you make me spiral down.

Parades are marching through,
The column of my spine.
Little girls jumping rope,
With elongated grape vines.
Some kind of emotion,
Is trying to run me out of town.

Chorus:
So I'm treading water,
In a frozen lake.
Where fossilized fish,
Mourn their mistakes.
And I regret my own,
But I have risks to take.
So cure my hypothermia,
And learn to appreciate.

I see city buildings,
Bending at all angles.
Swimming pools,
Shaped like triangles.
Maybe it's a dream,
Or maybe you make me go insane.

The stars are swirling,
As if ballroom dancing.
All the sounds around me,
Are steadily enhancing.
I might have lost my sanity,
Meaning only confusion remains.

Repeat Chorus

Look what you do to me!
Look what you do to me.
I'm at your mercy.
I'm a merciful girl.

demon_ · 08-13-2006, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Where fossilized fish,
Mourn their mistakes.

One of my favourite metaphors made by you.
I like how you stayed tight with the verses until the end.

X8 soldiers are with you on the project

X1 thought it was a great idea, metaphors 'n' all.

X1 smile proudly at the improvement you've made since my last rating.

D|E|M|O|N

mandax · 08-13-2006, 09:33 PM

Glad you liked it, and I'm definitely glad that I'm improving. =D Thanks for the critique.

demon_ · 08-13-2006, 09:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mandax

Glad you liked it, and I'm definitely glad that I'm improving. =D Thanks for the critique.

To be detahly honest, amanda.... I thought you'd be one of the people who would hardly improve.

I feel like shit.
You defined me.
I'm sorry.
Thanks for defining me.

"There's always this moment where you feel like shit,
Selfdoubt masks you inside out. Define it."

You really make me proud....lol.

Lol.

I feel happy all-the-sudden

mandax · 08-13-2006, 09:48 PM

Was I just insulted and complimented simultaneously? Amazing.

Heh, saying I'm emo? Well, yeah, it's true. I tend to be emo. But I'm more positive about things lately, and I have a different outlook on life, so maybe that's showing.

demon_ · 08-13-2006, 10:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mandax

Was I just insulted and complimented simultaneously? Amazing.

Heh, saying I'm emo? Well, yeah, it's true. I tend to be emo. But I'm more positive about things lately, and I have a different outlook on life, so maybe that's showing.

I never thought EMO was bad. It's just an overrated expression is all.

It's only an expression.

Like screemo

mandax · 08-13-2006, 10:40 PM

I think the poor term "emo" has gained a very negative connotation, but I still use it to mean anything emotional. It's bad, though, because people take me to mean the wrist-cutting, always crying, totally pathetic emo stereotype, and I don't. Whoops. I like emo music, but only when written properly. ("Properly" meaning how I like it.) =P

demon_ · 08-13-2006, 10:43 PM

Off Topic:

what's your fav. emo band?

(I hate emo becuase boys subject themselves to kissing each other for [a girl's] publicity...that's sick)

I'll have to say mine's The Used and Scary Kids Scaring Kids....lol

Actually, lol, nvm... spamming your lyrics.

mandax · 08-13-2006, 10:48 PM

Off Topic:

Um, Dashboard Confessional. I know what you're thinking, but they're my guilty pleasure. ^^ I never really got into The Used, and I haven't listened to much of Scary Kids Scaring Kids. Oh, my favorite band is The Rocket Summer, which can definitely be called emo, but I love it so much. Heh.

It's okay, hahaha, I really don't care. At least we're bumping them up. ^^

mandax · 08-15-2006, 12:32 PM

*bumps because she wants more critiques*
*feels shameful*

Fantasy of You · 08-15-2006, 03:53 PM

Note: Emos are jokes of themselves. They pretend to not give a fuck. They don't care about the world, their society, themselves. Shit happens ect. They spend a shit of a long time dressing him, squeezing into emo pants and putting on make-up for people who don't give a shit.

Anyway, lol. I'm not an expert on lyrics, but I can tell that they are good. The tempo decreases and increases smoothly and I can picture them in a song. This is just as good as the stuff that is out there (but most of the stuff is- it just doesn't get a chance).

So yea, it's a nice read. I can picture it being slow acustic kinda thing, rather than something fast and really gritty. Just MHO

-Fantasy

martysings · 08-16-2006, 06:25 PM

From a technical view, it's good, the rhymes fit well, and make it original, but I don't have a clue what your trying to say through the song until the "Look what you do to me". It's just too packed with metaphores to be a story, or an explanation of how you feel.

mandax · 08-16-2006, 06:27 PM

It's just about how emotions for someone make you go crazy and possibly believe things that aren't there. Thanks for your opinion, though. I'll try to be clearer next time.