martysings

Telephones, we talk to our lovers,
Cigarettes, we smoke away worries,
All of my pastimes and all of my pleasures,
Come crashing down below my knees.
A piano tune, for a problem heart,
There aren't enough keys to press,
The nights we spent under the stars,
Are weights inside my half-hearted chest.

It's raining in my mind, but I'm still so in love with you.
Still so messed up with a million tries,
But I can't let go of my only reason to lie to you,
Because I'm still so very much in love with you.

I would walk to the ends of the land,
Just to find, the thing I want,
But is love what my I feel in my hand,
Or is it just another rain-soaked haunt,
I'm ready to run away,
All i need is to find a reason,
But since they want me to stay,
I'm back down to my knees

In my mind a storm is coming, but i'm busy with my chains,
All of you floods my eyes,
And now I'm screaming out your name,
Because I'm still so very much in love with you

this is all i have as of now. it's a late night for me, thus i was actually able to write for the first time in weeks.

please do tear it apart.
peace,
marty

__________________
"All the glory when he took our place, but he took my shouldes and he shook my face, and he takes and he takes and he takes..."
-Sufjan Stevens (Casimir Pulaski Day)

mandax

Telephones, we talk to our lovers,
Cigarettes, we smoke away worries,
All of my pastimes and all of my pleasures,
Come crashing down below my knees.
A piano tune, for a problem heart,
There aren't enough keys to press,
The nights we spent under the stars,
Are weights inside my half-hearted chest. [Loved this whole stanza.]

It's raining in my mind, but I'm still so in love with you.
Still so messed up with a million tries,
But I can't let go of my only reason to lie to you,
Because I'm still so very much in love with you. [I don't like the repition in the first and fourth line. Maybe change it up? Make it rhyme?]

I would walk to the ends of the land,
Just to find, the thing I want, [Borderline cliche.]
But is love what my I feel in my hand,
Or is it just another rain-soaked haunt,
I'm ready to run away,
All i need is to find a reason,
But since they want me to stay,
I'm back down to my knees [Another repition I didn't like, especially since it didn't rhyme. But I'm a rhyme nazi so...what about using words like "treason"?]

In my mind a storm is coming, but i'm busy with my chains,
All of you floods my eyes,
And now I'm screaming out your name,
Because I'm still so very much in love with you [This is good.]

demon_

Great!

Thanks for killing it.

Okay, the last stanza you sounded so sure you loved something then you went into denial... whata bummer song.

Good, not great. Good.

I didn't mind.

D|E|M|O|N

__________________
Nowhuttumsayen?
click on the spoiler for YOUR health...

martysings

thanks for the crits, fellas. i see the difference in the first and second versus. the problem is, i'm trying to write this from a perspective i had (as the title said) a week ago. now, i feeling the second verse a lot more. i'll see if i can change it around. by the way, the second and fourth stanzas are sort of choruses. i might change them to one liners. i really dislike choruses, so, yeah. i'l update when i can get a little more out.

__________________
"All the glory when he took our place, but he took my shouldes and he shook my face, and he takes and he takes and he takes..."
-Sufjan Stevens (Casimir Pulaski Day)