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| Lyrics Original Song Lyrics. |
07-23-2006, 10:48 AM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The penis of the USA :)
Gender: Male
Posts: 286
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Supersede the mundane (With thoughts and ideas)
Its kinda more of a poem but i think i could make it into a song. The thing i would like to know is if you think the last 4 lines should stay in or not. It makes the whole thing more personal. I wrote it when i woke up from a nap half way to key west. lol 1st thing that ever came to me in a dream! ha enjoy
Supersede the mundane (With thoughts and ideas)
Mobsters and martyrs kill using lakes
Like duck heavy witches burned at the stake
Syndicate forests' unplanned beauties disguise
Butchered and brutalized; raped by greed filled eyes
Turn back the year before gods made by man
Churned up the tides and blessed god-fearing hands
Before three digit numbers could rise hell on this earth
Before sovereign states had to separate from church
Legos and Legions lay brick just to fall
Like Roman empires, World Trade centers and Berlin's wall
Condoms and communists protect us from strains
Like freedom of speech and the expansion of brains
Fathers of failures get blamed for the deeds
Of suicidal nut jobs and sad sweepers of streets
Tightropes and Saucers still break all the time
Both by innocent accident and intentional crime
Both hearing and sight can be taken for granted
But sometimes we all wish some things were left unsaid
At night knights dream of something to complete them
Its really quite simple; It’s the kiss of a maiden
Time zones and Continents can't come between
Though we’re oceans apart she’s closer to me.
__________________
In a many dark hour
I've been thinkin' about this
That Jesus Christ
Was betrayed by a kiss
But I can't think for you
You'll have to decide
Whether Judas Iscariot
Had God on his side.
~Bob Dylan~
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07-24-2006, 05:47 PM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The penis of the USA :)
Gender: Male
Posts: 286
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i would really love to get a comment or two on this please  heh if nothign comes ill let the thread die and wont be a bump bump bump whore.
__________________
In a many dark hour
I've been thinkin' about this
That Jesus Christ
Was betrayed by a kiss
But I can't think for you
You'll have to decide
Whether Judas Iscariot
Had God on his side.
~Bob Dylan~
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07-24-2006, 05:50 PM
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#3
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Carribean
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,460
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Golden rule of all writers - Don't critique more than once unless you receive.
__________________
Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...
Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...
Yes, must still shut up.
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07-24-2006, 10:29 PM
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#4
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,358
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I'd drop the last four lines.
Strong imagery, original way of approaching concepts. Only occassionally seemed forced. I like it.
__________________
Every artist is a cannibal; Every poet is a thief All kill the inspiration; and sing about the grief - U2
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
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07-24-2006, 11:43 PM
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#5
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The penis of the USA :)
Gender: Male
Posts: 286
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thanks alot.
__________________
In a many dark hour
I've been thinkin' about this
That Jesus Christ
Was betrayed by a kiss
But I can't think for you
You'll have to decide
Whether Judas Iscariot
Had God on his side.
~Bob Dylan~
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07-25-2006, 07:15 AM
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#6
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: wherever I wish it to be
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,487
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it does have alot of imagery, the first 4 or 5 lines I dont like, the rest is alright, but none of it seemed cohesive and together, it was an odd piece.
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07-25-2006, 01:15 PM
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#7
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The penis of the USA :)
Gender: Male
Posts: 286
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thanks for checking it out
__________________
In a many dark hour
I've been thinkin' about this
That Jesus Christ
Was betrayed by a kiss
But I can't think for you
You'll have to decide
Whether Judas Iscariot
Had God on his side.
~Bob Dylan~
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07-25-2006, 01:54 PM
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#8
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Addict
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 112
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I read the last four lines as a refrain and arranged it in my head that way. They were good, dont loose them. If the first two lines in that part are weAk, the last two more than make up for it.
I really really enjoyed this. It's something new, the messages are hinted at rather than shouted out as opposed to alot of pieces Ive read. This is extremely good work.
I'd also like to note I really loved the song you posted before this, keep it up man
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07-25-2006, 05:16 PM
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#9
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The penis of the USA :)
Gender: Male
Posts: 286
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thanks alot!
__________________
In a many dark hour
I've been thinkin' about this
That Jesus Christ
Was betrayed by a kiss
But I can't think for you
You'll have to decide
Whether Judas Iscariot
Had God on his side.
~Bob Dylan~
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