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| Lyrics Original Song Lyrics. |
07-21-2006, 08:01 PM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 377
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I Let Go of You
Over You
Late night knock upon my door
Brings me memories of before
All the hurt floods right back
Into my head and heart …attack
My glass is overfilled
Red wine tilts and spills
Like blood upon my shirt
A map straight to my hurt
All this love is spilled
All the trust you’ve killed
I’m too hurt to say I feel
These feelings still
Chorus:
Can’t let you in
After what you did
Can’t take the chance
I’ll get burned again
You say your love is true
I don’t know what to do
I already let go
I’m finally over you
Wine in my glass feels hot
I’m afraid to take a taste of
That familiar acid
Same old poisonous love
Can’t stand knocking at my door
Dry cork in my fist
Crumbles like dust to the floor
Like the way you crushed me before
Dusty fingerprints on the bottle
I slam against the wall
Shattering and splattering
The way you shattered me
*Chorus*
Cold air cuts across my foot
The chain rattling on the door
Hear you spew your lies
The same promises as before
The call of my name, like
A moth to the flame
Can’t control my mind
Can’t control my will
Can’t control the hurt
Strip off my red stained clothes
Climb out a back window
Into the safe cold blackness
I fled to before
*Chorus*
__________________
~Vasque~
Last edited by Vasque : 07-23-2006 at 07:34 PM.
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07-21-2006, 08:28 PM
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#2
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Best Seller
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: sitting on the dock of the bay, wasting time
Gender: Female
Posts: 602
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Too much blood! I thought the first reference to it with the wine was well done, but all the subsiquent refs were just too much. I got the point the first time. But it is nice to see a well developed metaphor.
'What could get me hurt'
A rhyme like this doesn't really have the sense of resolution/completion that you want it to. It's because of the word order - you've changed it up to get the rhyme, so it doesn't really give the listener that lightbulb moment that should happen. The way I want to read the lyric is 'What could hurt me'. So maybe try to use more common sounds for the rhymes eg. 'e', 'ay', 'oo'. Save the uncommon ones for places where it will really work.
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07-23-2006, 12:59 PM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 377
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good insights, thanks. I'll go work on that right now.
__________________
~Vasque~
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07-23-2006, 07:34 PM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 377
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Evadri, see if these changes push it it the right direction. Edited above
__________________
~Vasque~
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07-24-2006, 02:26 AM
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#5
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Best Seller
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: sitting on the dock of the bay, wasting time
Gender: Female
Posts: 602
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Much improved! I like this a lot more now. It's more subtle, evokative. The only things I'll suggest now is change the 'Can't' at the start of the chorus to 'Won't' - I think it just makes more sense. (Because 'I'm finally over you' implies an ownership of action, rather than a victim.) And the 'I don't know what to do' line could be stronger too. Seems indecisive considering they've already decided to be 'over' this person.
Anyway, good work!
cya!
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07-24-2006, 12:35 PM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 377
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good points. i'll run off and look at those. Thanks.
__________________
~Vasque~
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07-24-2006, 05:49 PM
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#7
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The penis of the USA :)
Gender: Male
Posts: 286
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i really like it.
__________________
In a many dark hour
I've been thinkin' about this
That Jesus Christ
Was betrayed by a kiss
But I can't think for you
You'll have to decide
Whether Judas Iscariot
Had God on his side.
~Bob Dylan~
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07-25-2006, 04:11 PM
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#8
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,358
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What sort of music did you have in mind for it?
__________________
Every artist is a cannibal; Every poet is a thief All kill the inspiration; and sing about the grief - U2
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
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07-25-2006, 07:47 PM
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#9
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 377
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Bika
What sort of music did you have in mind for it?
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well, I wrote it listening to Evenesence's "Bring me to Life"
__________________
~Vasque~
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07-25-2006, 08:14 PM
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#10
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,358
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Ha! Excellent! 
That works well
__________________
Every artist is a cannibal; Every poet is a thief All kill the inspiration; and sing about the grief - U2
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
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