mandax

What makes the minute-hand,
Circumnavigate?
Send those gears to the guillotine!
I don’t care how long they took to create.

I swear to my sobriety,
As my watch’s hands spin.
The numbers grow smaller,
And finally give in.

Chorus:
The calendar’s a bad liar,
And the clock needs Ritalin.
While my lust for life seems to escalate,
With the end of every other sin.

Suddenly I’m sinking,
In a vat of quicksand.
I’m steady and silent,
Since I already understand.

The more you struggle,
The faster you die.
To what else does this irony,
Regrettably apply?

Repeat Chorus

I suck in available oxygen,
Breathe out carbon dioxide.
Maybe chemistry can save me,
From the impending homicide.

Vasque

pretty good words. Makes ya think. I couldn't get a tune in my head. what kid of music?


What makes the minute-hand,
Circumnavigate?
Send those gears to the guillotine!
I don’t care how long they took to create.

I swear to my sobriety,
As my watch’s hands spin.
The numbers grow smaller,
And finally give in.

Chorus:
The calendar’s a bad liar,
And the clock needs Ritalin.
While my lust for life seems to escalate,
With the end of every other sin.

Suddenly I’m sinking,
In a vat of quicksand.
I’m steady and silent,
Since I already understand.

The more you struggle,
The faster you die.
To what else does this irony,
Regrettably apply?

Repeat Chorus

I suck in available oxygen,
Breathe out carbon dioxide.
Maybe chemistry can save me,
From the impending homicide

__________________
~Vasque~

mandax

Hm, probably some kind of alternative/indie sound to it. Thanks for the critique, by the way. ^^

evadri

Just generally, I think that the reason why we sometimes can't get a sense of tune immediately is because the 'music' of the lyric isn't quite right.

So specifically to this lyric, I had a little trouble with the rhythm. Too many syllables here, to few there, conflicting beats. And therefore, trying to work through that distracted me from the message of it. I didn't really connect with it, and so I didn't get a sense of melody.

However, you've used a lot of stuff that we don't usually see in a song, eg. guillotine, circumnativgate, sobriety, escalate, dioxide. There's good material here.

It's just up to you to see if you can fit it to a melody. Because if you can and it works, then my rhythm comments don't really matter. That's more of a poetry thing really. I'm just saying it because I've recently discovered that, when the lyrics are 'just right' musically, then the melody almost writes itself.

__________________
'I'd like to think the best of me is still hiding up my sleeve.'

http://www.myspace.com/only_music

mandax

Thanks for the imput, evadri. I appreciate it. I know what you mean about having too many syllables in certain places, and I'm going to try and trim it down.

Mystery

Haha, love the chorus.

__________________
Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...

Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...

Yes, must still shut up.

mandax

Haha, thanks Mystery. I've seen your sometimes harsh critiques, so it means a lot that you like it. =D

martysings

i like it. no complaints for the lyrics, i think you get your point across very well.

the only thing is, i think maybe:

"As my watch’s hands spin."
would sound better as:
"as the hands on my watch spin."

unless that throws the tune out of whack. "As my watch’s hands spin." just seems more difficult to pronounce/interprit to me.

mandax

I agree with your suggestion. I'll change it. =D Thanks for the critique. Glad you liked it.