NoBigThing

A mind full of memories, a body full of pain
Crying out my past, darkness after rain
Never dig this deep
Or you can not escape, anymore
(I've been running my lifetime)

You're doing this again
Your breath is breaking in
My body is so numb
Can't even feel my thumb

My brains full hate, my future so untold
The man down the street, freezing in the cold
Drowning in your pit
You cannot escape, anymore
(I've been wasting my lifetime)

You're doing this again
Your breath is breaking in
My body is so numb
Can't even feel my thumb

Now there's nothing left but anger
Sorrow and hate
Are the only things in my mind
And they're killing me

You're doing this again
Your breath is breaking in
My body is so numb
Can't even feel my thumb
Repeat x2

I wrote these lyrics about 4 years ago. A couple months later some school friends contacted me if I wanted to be in a band with them, they could play guitar, bass and drums and wanted someone to sing. I brought up these lyrics and we recorded a crappy ass version of it. I'm not going to post it here since it's completely ridicilous, I was like 14 years old or something, but I still see this as a potential radio hit.

Oh, I should mention - yeah, I was in a pissed off mood when I wrote it, but I'm not an emo kid and never have been just so you know ^_^ I wrote this after a day of long being bullied by assholes.

I wrote some more songs after that, since I really liked songwriting. If I have the guts some time I'll post the others too.

DylanFan

i like it. And its always good to write ur feelings down and stuff cuz other wise u might shoot up the school

__________________
In a many dark hour
I've been thinkin' about this
That Jesus Christ
Was betrayed by a kiss
But I can't think for you
You'll have to decide
Whether Judas Iscariot
Had God on his side.
~Bob Dylan~

evadri

I agree with DylanFan about letting your emotions out.

Technically though, I think this could be improved. I feel like most of the rhymes are forced, especially numb and thumb. And then the third verse forsakes the structure of the other two completely, which I was slightly confused about.
And you might make the emotion more powerful by introducing some sort of metaphor.

I don't know if you're looking for that kind of crit, but those are my impressions.

__________________
'I'd like to think the best of me is still hiding up my sleeve.'

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Vasque

i don't get the breath breaking in line. what does that mean?

__________________
~Vasque~

Pinocchiopiate

This reminds me of the stuff I wrote when I was 14. I was in the same situation (professional effigy).

Anyway, I noticed a few things.

1. "My body is so numb / Can't even feel my thumb"
As evadri said, "thumb" seems forced here, as if you just pulled the word "thumb" out of the air to rhyme with numb. See if "What am I running from?" works.

2. "My brains full hate"
"My brain is full of hate?" Try that.

3. "My future so untold"
"So" doesn't sound right here. It basically translates to "So not told yet." Try replacing "so" with "is."

To be brutally honest, it's really nothing new. But that doesn't make it horrible.

7 / 10

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