Pinocchiopiate

Definitely not the best I can do. Other than maybe organization issues, just tell me what you find wrong with it. Or what's good about it. Or tell me

HYDE'S REVENGE (LAMPSHADE SPECTACLES)
vessels with hypodermic hands manufacturing scareousels from the terrifying dog-eat-flower garden: I’ve got this power to make a miracle out of your effortless stains. but say it to the cameras – can you remember your own name? because now your vicious teeth are carving out between my lines, craving blood to paint a masterpiece in shades of run-and-hide (hyde) romances in their narcissistic dances. so just play out the scene like you didn’t see it coming – when they pull you from the ambulance that ate you like a king in the glisten of the moonshine on your fisted fantasies, don’t look so excited, don’t look for god, just tear at the teeth of the rescue pod. because the world begins to end when the comforting begins. fellate the empty skin and sing your song again. just one more time, you'll never die. fresh lampshades carpet the stain. another paper bag, and you'll learn to love the rain.

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Elipsis

type it as if it were a song. Not as if it were a paragraph, then i might consider reading it

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Pinocchiopiate

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DylanFan

i like it alot. flows very well and has a good thing that keeps u wanting to read on. I love some of the words u used that are less than common in songs. nice write

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In a many dark hour
I've been thinkin' about this
That Jesus Christ
Was betrayed by a kiss
But I can't think for you
You'll have to decide
Whether Judas Iscariot
Had God on his side.
~Bob Dylan~

myownbeautifuldisaster

i like it a lot too. the word-choice is excellent. it's very clever, not some dumb-witted attempt at lyrics. yeah, the more i think about it, the more i like it.

do you have music for it? would love to hear it!
we talking about rock, indie? hope so haha

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just.another.loser

Elipsis

hey dickwad, i wasnt insulting you or your fucking song. The way you type your songs makes it impossible to pick out the beat and rythem of a song. I don't care if you mimic other bands or not, but maybe you should look at things from a reader's point of view now and then, eh?

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Mystery

Lol...you're trying to prove a point and bring up 3 massive wannabe bands/ignorant puss monkey's. Good job.

A bunch of lines that break for no apparent reason..rofl...ever heard of lyrical format? The english languadge maybe? ParagraphS(not one nitwit, when your topic changes in english, you space it out to form a new paragraph).
All lyricists are writers you nimwit. You making fun of them as writers is on the right track though, they arent writers, those bands are disgraceful.

Looking for something smart to justify stupidity :S
Lazyness. It's not the readers job to space your work out for you.

You wrote it for an audience, he and I are part of that audience wherever you like it or not, you asked us to give critisism which automatically says you care about our standards. You failed for me, and I cannot speak for elipsis, but thats not a good place to start as a writer, failing your audience.

hahah, I bet you stamp little notes to examiners saying "Contructive critisim please" and get failed tests back because of lack of spacing >.>
We are you're audience, we don't care if you fail, we only care if you succeed. If you audience cannot care to read what you write because of poor format, you fail at your primary job. To meet the standards of that audience.

"If you tell me what I want to hear", learn to take all critisism you hypocrite.
Open his mind? Open yours and understand that there is a lyrical format and that you need it to make your work ledgible, otherwise youll notice the 8 views 0 posts phenomenon, I can't speak for everyone but I won't read work that will make my eyes bleed.

He can write alot better than you, I doubt he needs you to write for him.

I just had to destroy your poor little arguement there.
Remember, the audience doesnt care if you fail, only if you succeed, and you're failing miserably atm.
I also find it funny that you were friendly with evardri when she commented on your sloppy structure, but attacked elipsis, girls > guys eh Biased on the critisism you receive.

Not a good start my friend.

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Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...

Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...

Yes, must still shut up.

Elipsis

thank you very much Mystery. Somebody's gotta set these people straight, and im already tired of it. Glad your here

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Pinocchiopiate

Thanks, DylanFan and MOBD. Glad to see you could like something that apparently, not all people have the capacity to appreciate.

First of all, elipsis... I realize that you weren't insulting me or the song. You were insulting the FORMAT. The song its format are two different concepts. Apparently, you just went with the assumption that "song + paragraph format = crap."

Then do you mind explaining how DylanFan could possibly say that it "flows well," given his experience with Bob Dylan's highly influential status as a songwriter? And by the way, rhythm doesn't have an E.

What point of view? Where's your point of view on the song itself? As I said, all you did was complain about the format. And maybe, as a critic, you should look at things from the WRITER'S point of view. That's a critic's job. While the writer's job does sometimes involve the examination of the reader's point of view, you haven't shown me that you care about what I actually WROTE. A valid critical standpoint requires a bit of effort on the part of the critic.

Now, for Mystery's points...

I have nothing to say to this. It's ignorance at its finest. AND you have no evidence to support your claim. It's because you can't assign evidence to an opinion. Good job to YOU for not realizing that.

I was proving a point. My writing style has just as much validity as anyone else's. I have no problem with the poetic format. I'm sorry that I live in a generation of people stuck in the past, but people aren't always going to write in the format YOU expect of them. Things are going to change. And as far as topic changes... why would I change topics in the middle of a song? One topic, one paragraph. And "writers" was said in contrast to "lyricists." There's a difference. All lyricists ARE writers, but not all writers are lyricists. I suppose I could say that since I am a lyricist, I am a writer also. Writers can arrange words into "paragraphs." Therefore, lyricists, being writers, can do the same.

Here, you rely on the premise that your and elipsis' opinions has more validity than anyone else's. Well, sadly, I have news for you. You are not the sole judge of what is good and what is "stupid." An object's value comes from opinions OUTSIDE itself. Things aren't just "good" or "bad"; It depends on the viewer. If you think the prose lyrical form is horrible, then so be it. That's your opinion; do what you will with it. But I'm sure that other people will probably enjoy it. And I'd say that the word "lazy" most accurately describes a reader who can't think beyond merely what he has seen before.

There's a difference between criticism on FORMAT and on CONTENT. That's criticism with a C, not an S. I DO care about your standards, as long as you can consider a song's CONTENT, and not just its FORMAT, in order to determine its value. Did you even read the song? Your post was full of complaints about its format. I didn't hear ANYTHING about the content. The prose format may not make the song any better, but at least read it. That's a good place for an audience to start: caring about the WRITER's works themselves. So far, you haven't been much of an audience.

First of all, what is "critisim?" I'd like you to learn to spell before you criticize MY writing. And once again, you claim that the paragraph form has no validity by crassly deeming it "poor format." And I'd say that any audience that doesn't care to read a song just because it's not arranged into stanzas is a bit of a dogmatic one. I might as well bring the book "Losing Faith in Faith" to church one Sunday. The congregation and pastor wouldn't like it. Why? Because nine times out of ten, they'll just hold fast to their own ideas without considering the other side's argument. Just like you seem to be doing. If you can't read anything more than a song that is simply broken up into lines for you, then you are exhibiting a MASSIVE degree of laziness.

You seem to really like arguing the same point, don't you -- that I'm a closed-minded fool for deviating from the "lyrical format." I used to write songs in the lyrical format all the time. But I've grown as a songwriter since then. I'd say that being closed-minded means failing to realize that there is more than one way to write a song. A good critic would see that. I accept all criticism, as long as it is not SUPERFICIAL. And by calling my work illegible, you also raise the premise that BOOKS are illegible. Do BOOKS make your eyes bleed? It seems like you're just criticizing my writing COMPARED to the lyrical format. Instead, look at the song by itself and see if the CONTENT has the same effect on your poor retinas.

I'm not saying I'm any better at writing than elipsis; look at the "opinion" section above. I was making a point with that offer: his "criticism" was superficial and not constructive in any way. His response, like yours, was based on the format of the song, and not the song itself. I believe we can agree that criticism is more of an evaluation of a WORK, and not an evaluation of a FORMAT alone.

As I said above, the format is just as sloppy as that of a book. Lyricists, as writers, are entitled to write in any format they choose. And critics are entitled to any opinion they choose. You can hate my format all you want. Hey, you can print it out and throw a napalm milkshake at it for all I care. But you're overlooking the content, which makes you seem like a bit of a careless critic. If you can't understand that, then I don't want to hear any other superficial responses to the format.

Now, you might say, "But you're not writing a book; you're writing a song." See the second refutation for my response to that.

And none of this is directed toward either of you as people. But I didn't come to this board to be judged by the format of my writing alone. Just like people of other races didn't come to America to be judged by the color of their skin alone, but instead by the CONTENT of their character. You see a pattern here? This is supposed to be a board where writers can share their ideas, not complain about those of others. And looking at your post counts, I'm shocked to discover that neither of you have thought about that. So next time you post something like this about someone else's writing, just take some time to think about what you're saying, and what it might say about you in the eyes of your boardmates.

Cheers,
Pinocchiopiate

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Elipsis

My complaints were from the reader's point of view. Other critiques would have been from the writer's point of view but seeing that the whole song was thrown together in a way that i couldnt distinguish what the rythem, tempo or anything were, i didn't even try to make any comments. I know you'll come back by saying that other artists use your so-called format, but this is what i have to say to that. THEY DONT! Every artist known to man arranges thier songs by the flow. Write out your songs as if you would be singing or playing it, not as if they were just words for somebody to stare at. Thank you, fuck you, and fuck off

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Bika

Just stop with the BS flaming and arguing, or take it to the Debate forum.

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Elipsis

sorry for the double post but i have to say this.
NO! You don't read a book with a beat, or rythem. Writing a song is completely different from writing anything else. You have to consider the music while you are writing a song. You obviously don't know anything about that so i will just leave that comment at that

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Pinocchiopiate

That's exactly why Mystery's point failed. He simply stated that "All lyricists are writers." Who says that paragraphs can't have rhythm (which you still haven't learned to spell correctly)? People who can't look forward. Just because something isn't accepted as true NOW doesn't mean that it will still be considered false LATER. Unless, of course, the universe DOES revolve around Earth and lightbulbs ARE the work of evil. If you would at least try to be open-minded and less dogmatic about songwriting, then maybe you would understand what I'm trying to say.

Your inability to put the words to music doesn't destroy the possibility that it CAN happen. And just because YOU can't distinguish the beat and rhythm doesn't mean that people like DylanFan and MOBD can't at least make an effort. "Hey, I can't pole vault or play the accordion. I guess that means that no one else can." I hear this kind of broken logic literally all the time. It's narcissistic and closed-minded, and I hear it from a lot of people which I thought would have known better.

And I hate to say it, but that's all there is to it. And this argument has officially come to a close. Because there's just nothing else to say.

Good day,
Pinocchiopiate

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Elipsis

So, your trying to set a fad that someday in the future, somebody will look at your writing and say "Fuck, im going to do that!" and get everyone else in the world to accept the mess you've created? I am the most open-minded person in the world (which is why my family hates me) but the way you type lyrics has no structure to it what so ever.

no no, i think you have it backwards. You are not able to put this to mess to music, therefore you just type it as if everyone else could just look at it, and think up beat and music for you. If you had any musical ideas for this, you would have typed it in a normal lyrical format. But i guess that you can just tell me and everyone else that Ignorance is Bliss

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Pinocchiopiate

I'm not trying to set a fad. That's the LAST thing I want to do. I want to start a fad about as much as I want to be involved in one. And where's your proof that you are "the most open-minded person in the world?" It's quite an arrogant assumption without much support.

And what evidence do you have that I can't possibly put this to music? Hmm, let's see... I didn't type it the way you or Mystery wanted it to be typed... and you yourself can't put it to music. I say that because if you CAN put it to music, then your whole argument that it is impossible to create beat or meter from this piece is invalid. But if you can't, then don't just assume that no one else can. It's a backwards ontological argument that goes like this: "I can't think of X. Therefore, X cannot happen or does not exist." Even the original ontological argument is highly fallacious. And do you really think I submitted this song for people to come up with music that I can write around it? Don't think so, buddy. I came for constructive criticism. And don't bring up that other format vs. content argument. We've already settled that.

To close, ignorance is bliss only until you find the truth. Then you realize what a waste your life was before you found your way out of the cave. Look up Plato's Cave on Wikipedia and you'll see what I mean.

Now, just stop being such a baby about my format and make way for the people who actually want to make useful contributions. But of course, our little debate has probably scared off quite a few people.

Peace,
Pinocchiopiate

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