Broken Dream (im back!) - Writers Forum

DylanFan · 07-19-2006, 11:07 PM

OK i totaly stopped using this website for a whie.... but i did not stop writing stuff sooooo over the next few days ill be postin some stuff ive written between then and now!! this ones called broken dream. i wrote it yesterday after i got outta the shower cuz it hit me in there

great insperation.

Nine poles apart a black hole a-tearing
Shipping you back into that state of mind
Half way between laughter and cryin’
Temporary therapy paralyzes your insides

You can’t grow a broken dream
Unless it’s the seed of a mutant gene
And when you're living in a broken dream
Nothin’ is exactly what it seems
A blank check incorrect recipe

Livin’ in a broken dream you’re livin’ in a broken dream
Livin’ in a broken dream you’re livin’ in a broken dream

Sound of wicked things beyond your window
Casting formless shadows on all four walls
Swept away by an unknown undertow
Drowning of course inside these halls

You can’t grow a broken dream
Unless it’s the seed of a mutant gene
And when you're living in a broken dream
Nothin’ is exactly what it seems
A blank check incorrect recipe

Livin’ in a broken dream you’re livin’ in a broken dream
Livin’ in a broken dream you’re livin’ in a broken dream

Iron maidens rust fodder for the wrack
Sing dungeon dirges slow melodic knells
Hopeless hymns never ever going back
Ripped and rendered by the hounds of hell

Eighteen or twenty-one who’s to say when life’s begun
Growing up time to choose stop the hiding of your mothers booze
She lived a life or so it seems in the shards of a broken dream
Let her go take a flight she drinks alone late at night

You can’t grow a broken dream
Unless it’s the seed of a mutant gene
And when you're living in a broken dream
Nothin’ is exactly what it seems
A blank check incorrect recipe

Livin’ in a broken dream you’re livin’ in a broken dream
Livin’ in a broken dream you’re livin’ in a broken dream

Bika · 07-20-2006, 07:00 PM

Your handle is appropriate

DylanFan · 07-21-2006, 09:51 AM

thanks for the read

evadri · 07-21-2006, 08:00 PM

Isn't it always the way - inspiration only comes when you can't possibly have a pen and paper on your person.

I found this beautifully phrased, with some great in-line rhymes as well as end-line. It's wonderfully original, very fresh. That was a big part of my enjoyment of it.

The only line that stuck out to me was: 'Nothin’ is exactly what it seems'
Because everything else was so original, but this absolutely isn't. I know you wanted to get the rhyme with 'seems', which is fine, but maybe there's another, more interesting way you could use it.

Otherwise, great work.

Vasque · 07-21-2006, 08:01 PM

nice strong rhymes and well put together. the story is masked pretty much. you might want to make it a tad more obvious for the listener. Clue us in a bit!

DylanFan · 07-21-2006, 11:40 PM

thanks so much for your reads and comments. I know that line kinda sticks out ill see if i can make it work a little better. After all thats exactly what i wrote down after the shower. kinda skipped the rewrite stage which i dont usuaslly do. Ill get back to you all when i update this! thanks again!!

DylanFan · 07-23-2006, 10:28 AM

Made some minor changes to the 2nd and 3rd choruses. I Think its a little better than it was before. What do you guys think?

Nine poles apart a black hole a-tearing
Shipping you back into that state of mind
Half way between laughter and cryin’
Temporary therapy paralyzes your insides

You can’t grow a broken dream
Unless it’s the seed of a mutant gene
And when you're living in a broken dream
Nothin’ is exactly what it seems
A blank check incorrect recipe

Livin’ in a broken dream you’re livin’ in a broken dream
Livin’ in a broken dream you’re livin’ in a broken dream

Sound of wicked things beyond your window
Casting formless shadows on all four walls
Swept away by an unknown undertow
Drowning of course inside these halls

You can’t grow a broken dream
Unless it’s the seed of a mutant gene
And when you're living in a broken dream
You can't believe just what you see
It's a blank check incorrect recipe

Livin’ in a broken dream you’re livin’ in a broken dream
Livin’ in a broken dream you’re livin’ in a broken dream

Iron maidens rust fodder for the wrack
Sing dungeon dirges slow melodic knells
Hopeless hymns never ever going back
Ripped and rendered by the hounds of hell

Eighteen or twenty-one who’s to say when life’s begun
Growing up time to choose stop the hiding of your mothers booze
She lived a life or so it seems in the shards of a broken dream
Let her go take a flight she drinks alone late at night

You can’t grow a broken dream
Unless it’s the seed of a mutant gene
And when you're living in a broken dream
Your train's runnin low on steam
Just a blank check incorrect recipe

Livin’ in a broken dream you’re livin’ in a broken dream
Livin’ in a broken dream you’re livin’ in a broken dream

martysings · 07-24-2006, 02:02 PM

it's good, the lines are original, but i guess i don't really understand what you mean to get out of it? what exactly is the song about?

DylanFan · 07-24-2006, 05:39 PM

its mostly about people living and wasting their lives. The bridge makes it almost more like its about someone in particurlar but its really just another example when its really about all people and their failures rather than like in those lines just one person. The verses are more like another example. Like feelings that one may experience when they are living a "broken dream" Thats what i mean for it to be about. but i guess it could be taken many diffrent ways by many diffrent people.

martysings · 07-24-2006, 07:17 PM

ok, well, in that case, i would say you've done it very well. the lines are definitely original. my only worry is people not quite understanding your meaning. but no one ever does when it comes right down to it.

good job,
marty

DylanFan · 07-24-2006, 07:36 PM

heh yea thats very true. thanks alot for checkin it out