Perspective That's Anything But Objective - Writers Forum

mandax · 06-26-2006, 05:25 PM

Author's Note:

I just wrote this since it kind of just came to me. I'll probably edit it a lot. My inspiration has been lacking lately, which is why I haven't been posting as much. o__O

And I see myself doing cartwheels,
To get your attention.
I find myself wanting to die,
To see what you’d mention,

At my funeral,
When everything’s lost,
It’s summer and it’s too late,
To say how you felt during the frost.

Chorus:
Subtly makes me crazy,
It’s not that we’re being lazy,
We’re just afraid,
I’m terrified,
Of this love that exists between,
Of the many times I’ve lied,
To hide,
My obvious emotion.
And I await your declaration,
Of everlasting devotion.

And I see myself standing in the distance,
To see if you’ll approach me.
I find myself having affairs with strangers,
To see if you’ll reproach me,

Out of jealousy,
With that envious passion,
That I imagine you somehow possess,
But find so out of fashion.

Repeat Chorus

Maybe I’m mistaken,
And you don’t seem to be taken,
So verbally release your heartache.

Describing the emptiness you’ve felt,
And the love you wish you’d dealt,
Or maybe it’s just a mistake.

Bika · 06-26-2006, 07:08 PM

It's alright. Doesn't move me much either way. Will keep an eye on it for your edits.

Last line, second verse feels like it was thrown in just to rhyme

mandax · 06-27-2006, 07:26 PM

*is about to try and edit this piece*

thamior · 06-27-2006, 07:32 PM

very unmoving for me, I hate to sound harsh, but I couldnt grab at emotion. It was technically sound, I just feel like there's a lack, perhaps I just lack the experience needed to connect with this one.

mandax · 06-27-2006, 07:48 PM

Bleh, the more I read this song, the less I like it. Rewrite:

I see myself singing sweet melodies,
To attract your attention.
I find myself wanting to die,
To see what you’d mention,

At my funeral,
After time slipped by.
I would haunt you,
And encourage you to cry.

Chorus:
I just want your eyes to dilate,
And your pulse to pound
When you take a look at me,
And rejoice at the girl you’ve found.

“That’s her!” you’d yell,
At least inside your head.
You’d think I’m perfect but then admit,
“And I thought she was dead.”

I see myself standing in the distance,
To see if you’ll approach me.
I find myself having affairs with strangers,
To see if you’ll reproach me,

Out of jealousy,
With that envious passion,
That I imagine you somehow possess,
But find so out of fashion.

Repeat Chorus

I act as the damsel,
I perform on your stage.
Maybe if I was desperate,
You’d come to my aid.

I feel like I always reach,
And you take a step back.
I guess a sense of reality,
Is what I lack!

thamior · 06-27-2006, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mandax

I see myself standing in the distance,
To see if you’ll approach me.
I find myself having affairs with strangers,
To see if you’ll reproach me,

Out of jealousy,
With that envious passion,
That I imagine you somehow possess,
But find so out of fashion.

only part I really dont like

mandax · 06-27-2006, 07:58 PM

Kay. Is the rest better, though?

*think of how to change part thamior doesn't like*

thamior · 06-27-2006, 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mandax

Kay. Is the rest better, though?

*think of how to change part thamior doesn't like*

yes, the last two verses were a bit off, but the rest was fine.