Man Down - Writers Forum

flutterfly · 06-23-2006, 12:40 AM

verse 1

I came into the room and it was dark on every side
The burning flame off centre was the light force of my life
Black dog in the corner said, "It's time you got it right, my love"

verse 2

They marched to where the good men with their coloured glasses lay
Caught up in the battle of the fortunate far away
And the drums of war drone loud, while the men of law play, my love

chorus

She came through and kissed me in the night
Bathed my wounds and held me while I cried
And the fallen soldier weeps, like a baby in his sleep
singing lie da lie man down

She came through and held me in the night
Bathed my soul and told me I'd be fine
And the fallen soldier weeps, like a baby in his sleep
singing lie da lie man down
lie da lie man down

break

verse 3

Inside the womb of mankind I was greeted by the crow
Singing out her sorrow song for all of those she'd known
And the last man past the post, was really just a ghost, my love

verse 4

And victory of course, is what we all were hoping for
The good, the brave, the dead, you know we are the men of war
And the pillow knows my tears, life is now my fear, my love

Chorus

End

demon_ · 06-26-2006, 12:30 AM

You know, this just isn't my style for critique... however, I enjoyed the easy visual, but I just don't think it made it for true lyrics (in my opinion).

The style, the flow, and rhymes weren't really pleasing, in fact good.

However, if you're a new writer, please stay and learn. Advancing on your works will for sure get real crit from me

Demon

flutterfly · 06-26-2006, 08:49 PM

thanks for comments, look forward to your future feedback

Flutterfly

Gnomes Amok · 06-27-2006, 11:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flutterfly

verse 1

I came into the room and it was dark on every side
The burning flame off centre was the light force of my life
Black dog in the corner said, "It's time you got it right, my love"

verse 2

They marched to where the good men with their coloured glasses lay
Caught up in the battle of the fortunate far away
And the drums of war drone loud, while the men of law play, my love

chorus

She came through and kissed me in the night
Bathed my wounds and held me while I cried
And the fallen soldier weeps, like a baby in his sleep
singing lie da lie man down

She came through and held me in the night
Bathed my soul and told me I'd be fine
And the fallen soldier weeps, like a baby in his sleep
singing lie da lie man down
lie da lie man down

break

verse 3

Inside the womb of mankind I was greeted by the crow
Singing out her sorrow song for all of those she'd known
And the last man past the post, was really just a ghost, my love

verse 4

And victory of course, is what we all were hoping for
The good, the brave, the dead, you know we are the men of war
And the pillow knows my tears, life is now my fear, my love

Chorus

End

Holy shit, this is awesome I cant believe I missed it. Its reminiscent of old folk songs, I love it.

Vulgar` · 06-27-2006, 04:26 PM

"Inside the womb of mankind I was greeted by the crow"

^Great one-liner.

As Gnomes said, it hinted an old fashion, antique-song writing style.

"Lie da lie man down" could be sang by Alanis Morsette - if you don't know who she is, it's an American artist with a scratchy high pitch when she raises her voice. It's a compliment!

Keep doing you

thamior · 06-27-2006, 07:42 PM

I think there is great potential in you, there's a knack for imagery and telling the story. I think with some work on flow, and rhyme, you could be a powerhouse lyricist here (not many tend to stay

)

flutterfly · 06-27-2006, 08:10 PM

Thanks for the feedback..Man Down is indeed a folk tune!