Warm rain (a work in progress, input appreciated) - Writers Forum

thamior · 01-24-2006, 05:25 AM

this is the vulgur one...but less vulgur? I liked it, it wasnt something that popped out and was amazing, but it was good.

Vasque · 01-24-2006, 09:06 AM

Thanks. I like it enough...... it seems like there is potential in there......that I am going to keep working at it to make it pop a little more.

Vasque · 01-26-2006, 03:13 PM

I re-wrote a lot of it. Better?

Warm Rain

I am warm rain on an icy winter day
A search beacon on the darkest scary night
A wide smile when all hope is lost
Something unworn that fits you just right

I’m a stiff drink when you’ve had a rough day
Unbridled lust you never thought you’d feel
Money in your pocket you didn’t know was there
Grit and muscle whenever you are scared

I’m the hand that you hold at church
A naughty little whisper on your phone at work
I’ll stare at your eyes all through lunch
Then be the one that makes your hair stand up

Girl, I’m nothing you’ve ever seen
And all you’ve never known
I am the wind at your back
When you are rushing to get home

From the top of the world, I’m a leap of faith
Like gravity when you fly, a waterfall in the ocean
I’m what pulls you back whenever you escape
I am everything you want, but nothing you have known

I am beer for breakfast and pancakes in the moonlight
I’m a long passionate kiss when we might not be alone
I am everything you want, but nothing you have known

I’m the safety that you need, and the danger that you want
I am passion, love and comfort, and all the things they’re not

Girl, I’m nothing you’ve ever seen
And all you’ve never known
I am the wind at your back
When you are rushing to get home

thamior · 01-27-2006, 05:18 AM

It was generally good:

Quote:

Grit and muscle whenever you are scared

all of this works except for scared, which just seems out of place, even though I know its not supposed to rhyme, it doesnt seem to fit the verse very well and kinda clashes.

Other than that nothing with flow or such,

Quote:

Then be the one that makes your hair stand up
.
.
.
When you are rushing to get home

Are kinda creepy, but maybe thats what you want

Quote:

I am beer for breakfast and pancakes in the moonlight
I’m a long passionate kiss when we might not be alone
I am everything you want, but nothing you have known

Awesome!

Vasque · 01-27-2006, 04:32 PM

Thanks Thamoir. I'll fiddle with the 'scared' reference. I can see the hair stand up maybe being a little creepy, and was never 100% happy with that line either, I'll fiddle with that too......but what is creepy about 'the wind at your back when you are rushing to get home'?