Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Lyrics
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Lyrics Original Song Lyrics.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 10-09-2005, 03:39 AM   #1
Prolific Writer
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Gender: Male
Posts: 461
FootballStar20
Experiences Had Are Lessons Learned (Revised)

(Verse 1)
She turned 20 in June.
Celebrated by sleeping on cardboard
instead of that dirty street.
She lost it that night
and prayed for the first time in years.
It was hard to see it but He
was there to help her
through these times of despair.
She made it back to normality in November.
Sleeping on a bed now.
But she didn’t pray in November,
December or January.
She never prayed again.

(Chorus)
Experiences had are lessons learned
but the ones we need the most
we never see.

(Verse 2)
He had two kids and a loving wife.
A great job and security.
His life was all but complete.
But then the wife fled.
He never sees his kids.
Took up drugs
never looked back.
His job was dropped
security gone.
He saw his life flash
right before his eyes.
Then he saw that He was there
maybe He had the answers.
So he humbled down,
broke down in prayer
answers came from everywhere.
So now that life’s come back
where has that faith gone?

(Chorus x2)
Experiences had are lessons learned
but the ones we need the most
we never see.

Last edited by FootballStar20 : 10-10-2005 at 02:41 PM.
FootballStar20 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-09-2005, 08:31 PM   #2
Wordsmith
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: wherever I wish it to be
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,487
thamior is an unknown quantity at this point
Send a message via AIM to thamior Send a message via MSN to thamior Send a message via Skype™ to thamior
I liked the content, but I felt you were a little wordy, and example would be the word rejuvenated in the last verse, its a nice word, but it seems to detract from flow, but if you can get it to work then its all good i liked it. I saw some good stuff, the flow just seemed off to me.
__________________

Dark and Shattered Lands
thamior is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-09-2005, 11:48 PM   #3
Taz
Prolific Writer
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 254
Taz
Send a message via MSN to Taz
I agree with thamior that the flow is off but other than that a great song and great concept keep writing and ill keep reading.
__________________
With passion and enthusiasm we shall succeed!
Taz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-10-2005, 03:06 AM   #4
Prolific Writer
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Gender: Male
Posts: 461
FootballStar20
Thank you for the kind words. I will spend some more time with the flow tomorrow.
FootballStar20 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-10-2005, 02:41 PM   #5
Prolific Writer
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Gender: Male
Posts: 461
FootballStar20
How's the flow now?
FootballStar20 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-10-2005, 06:33 PM   #6
Wordsmith
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: wherever I wish it to be
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,487
thamior is an unknown quantity at this point
Send a message via AIM to thamior Send a message via MSN to thamior Send a message via Skype™ to thamior
its better, but flow is really and individual thing, so it may flow well to you but not to me, the first time around it was just obviously clunky.
__________________

Dark and Shattered Lands
thamior is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:47 AM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers