You know me
when i do critiques I rip songs apart, so dont read if you really like hte songe XD
Quote:
An eternal grace truely surrounds you,
Its still something that I want to feel.
And somehow I think that I dreamed it through,
because none of this could ever be real.
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Nice verse, you lay down the feel of the song with the final line, well done and adds nicely to the first verse, makes me want to read on.
Quote:
Chorus:
The rages of hell are below me
The glory of heaven stands above
Maybe my words are too early
but somehow I think I feel love.
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If this is about someone you love ditch heaven and hell, stereotypical, blatant, boring, overused, crap, overdone, pfft, lalala, etc.
Think of something original, if you want to impress someone your going to have to pull something out of your mouth that will make her thing your eating gold.
Quote:
The waves of the ocean will be moving
yet they couldn't ever match your beauty
When the world finally calls me away
could we ever be together some day?
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I liked where the waves were going, but then you lost it. This is what I was thinking
"the waves of hte ocean will be moving
Still they will never match you
Our of jealously they swing my away
Will the winds bring my back someday?"
IT keeps the flow of the last verse you know, lays down that ooohh you want people to feel when they hear it.
Quote:
You seem to transcend mere mortal word
and your smile casts sun to the wind
so when all around me becomes absurd
I know that you'll be my good friend
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Here you completely lost me, the comparisons/metaphors dont come out clearly, I can grasp what you want to say but, not see it here. The first verse impressed me this one let me down.
Keep the pattern, start with saying how amazing she is, then how you can look but not touch. Keep the rhyming, keep the rhyme, you have something good going.
[quote[
The shadows are always drawing nearer
And sin will continue to hold me back
it hurts me to look in the mirror
'cause my sin stains the clothes I wear black.
[/quote]
Ditch sin too
If you want to show how you cant touch her cuz your afraid to corrupt her/ are too corrupt use these wrods.
Corruption
Defilement/defilation
Impurity
Innative
Impure
Devious
Unholy
Fallen
All god words with ALLOT more power and a lot less "uhhh" than sin, if you can get what Im saying.
You started out powerful then lost it. I know you must have seen this but decided to keep it till critique, heres the best tip youll probably ever get from me.
Never rush, if you feel something is out of place start over, keep the power, keep the strenth, when I play guitar and write music for songs theres 2 rules about it.
Keep the melody and keep the pattern, the pattern is the power, without the patten the repetitional part that only shifts slightly or goes higher and lower it doesnt make sense. When i write music I use a pattern and to add flavour I deviate for a slight period and return. What your doing is playing the pattern, deviating from it a bit off, then using a different patten.
Good write, but needs some work, all the best
)
