Indigo

I'm 13 years old and I write lyrics and I really need help! If you could read this and give me some constructive criticism I'd be really gratefull.



Look a Little bit deeper

Look a little bit deeper
You’ll find a girl that’s not as brave as she looks.
Just look a little bit deeper
You’ll find it’s not all about the way she looks.

(Drums kick in)
Every time you made her cry
She shook you off and wiped her eyes
Every time - she feels on trial
You left her holding broken smiles.

A little bit deeper, just look
There’s more to her than you care about
Look a little bit deeper
Don’t just scream and shout...

Everybody says how grown up she is
But inside she’s just a little kid
Everybody says she’s still a little girl
forget all the brave things she did...

Every time you made her cry
She shook you off and wiped her eyes
Every time - she feels on trial
You left her holding broken smiles...

(Slows)
Sign them down to this all
It’s that one decision
There is no conclusion
It’s that one decision...
One decision...

(Drums kick in)
Every time you made her cry
She shook you off and wiped her eyes
Every time - she feels on trial
You left her holding broken smiles...

Can you sum her up in one glance?
Write her off without a chance?

She doesn’t want the kind of friends you were
She doesn’t have to take your lies
Why can’t she get along with being her?
She wonders why it was ever a surprise

Every time you made her cry
She shook you off and wiped her eyes
Every time - she feels on trial
You left her holding broken smiles...

(Slow, sad)

Just look a little bit deeper...a little bit deeper...

save-the-panda's

Hi!

I thought on the whole this was pretty good!

But this line Seems to be contradicting its self

And one more thing, you don't need to ask for help, thats why we all post are lyrics on here, so we can get feed back!

~~Panda~~

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~~Panda~~

Night Wraith

I liked it; it was well thought out and kept to the whole scheme of things.
Some parts where it lost some flow for me, but I really really liked it

LettersToTheBlind

this is your strongest part. the chorus is great and the vagueness of that bridge that preceeds it is really powerful. someone in the forum commented about another piece saying that 'less is more' and i think that that applies here.

this i think is the weakest part, specifically those last two lines, though i have no particular recommendations on how to fix it. and i wonder if the entire song wouldn't be more powerful if you personalized it, as i would assume that the 'she' is you. why not use 'i'? in essay writing and good short story writing using the first person is a big no-no, but in song writing it tends to be more powerful.

overall it's quite good. for a thirteen year old you're writing very well and very intelligently. you've got a good grip on expressing your emotions.

kudos.

-ian

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...more lines for you to read between
- sign off -

bruno718

Are you sure you're 13? That's a damn good song.

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"WHAT???? The land of the free? Whoever told you that is your enemy!" - ZDLR

Indigo

Thanks guys, much appreciated. I am really glad I found this site because if i show my stuff to my friends they won't tell me what they really think about it. I will now go away and improve it! Thanx again!

thamior

yes its a great song, I liked it on the whole, I feel if it was sung right it could be very powerful. as for:

Everybody says how grown up she is
But inside she’s just a little kid
Everybody says she’s still a little girl
forget all the brave things she did...


try:

Everybodyexpects mor of her,
But inside she’s just a little kid
yet they all seem to forget,
the brave things she did...


its a little rough but you get the idea, if you dont like it dont use it but if you do .

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Dark and Shattered Lands

Indigo

I like it, Thalimor oh great Guru. Also, I just found a cool website which generates band names but I find usefull as song name ideas:

http://www.elsewhere.org/cgi-bin/bandname

(Not exactly sure yet how to make links but I hope this will work, if not you'll just have to type it in the old fashioned way!)