i hate to see a song like this that has so much potential go without having anything said about it. here are my thoughts, take them for what you will.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by thamior
I'm like the bird that doesnt fly,
like the song bird that doesnt sing.
The unattractive apple in the bunch,
i'm like any lonley thing.
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it's a good start. i'm a little bothered by the repetition of both "bird" and "the" so much. maybe in the second line, name a bird or change it slightly to keep the rhyme scheme. something like:
the robin that doesn't sing
also, apples aren't often described as "unattractive", so the word "rotten" might be more appropriate.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by thamior
Chorus:
I yearn to rise up on tattered wings,
sing songs that always and ever sing.
Never falling down and back,
I feel lost, without a map.
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starting and ending the second line with "sing" doesn't work for me. maybe end with "ring"?
Quote:
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Originally Posted by thamior
Too many times i've been alone,
walking down white-washed aisles,
I wish I knew what to be,
I'm faced with undending denial.
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the last two lines work well together, but don't seem to roll. i almost want them to be one sentence. ex: i wish i knew what to be in the face of unending denial. even though "unending denial" seems somewhat forced. maybe look at that as well.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by thamior
*chorus*
I'd fall apart and give me to you,
I'd do anything to catch your eye.
But hope seems out the window,
And all I can do is sigh.
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why not change the meter of this verse slightly. the way i write this might not make any sense, but the last two lines could be ONE line, with the last word held. i'm hearing a long, high note in my head. ex:
i'd fall apart and give me to you
i'd do anything to catch your eye
but hope goes out the window with my... siiiiiiigh!
heheh, many iii's implies lengh. : )
Quote:
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Originally Posted by thamior
bridge:
my life is on the brink of plunge,
I want to be your someone.
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awesome
Quote:
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Originally Posted by thamior
*chorus*
I feel empty and worried,
there is nothing inside.
I need all my sanity,
not to drive me from my mind.
*chorus*
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the idea of emptiness is kindof contradicted by the thought of needing to keep your sanity. unfortunately i have no suggestions. maybe just something to keep in mind.
again, these suggestions are really just my personal preference. take them if you agree, ignore them if you don't.
overall it's a pretty strong song, packed with potential. me likee.
cheers.
