song - Never understand - Writers Forum

thamior · 01-14-2005, 04:12 AM

I don't expect anyone will reply to this as people have started to just not reply to my things which is why I have posted less, in any case I havent been able to write a song in awhile and i'm happy that I finally was able to.

Intro: (needs work)
As the mist settles,
and the dawn rises,
with the morning sun.
And nothing feels right,
everything seems wrong,
I feel like i'm the only one.

verse 1:
In this infinite,
growing despair.
Walkin' down the halls,
to nowhere.
I feel empty,
and alone.
I'm not me,
in agony I groan.

Chorus:
A thousan miles couldn't end my pain,
I will wander all again.
Tryin' to discover who I am,
never knowing,
never understand.

verse 2:
I'm a drak knight,
with a sword of fire.
Chaos spreads before me,
destruction, my desire.
But thats not who I am,
not what I want to be.
not an evil,
doesnt feel right to me.

*repeat chorus*

verse 3:
An angel of light,
avatar of mercy.
Keeper of the truth,
hates tru enemy.
But I fall much short of this,
It's not who I am.
I'm not pure light,
why can't I understand.

*repeat chorus*

bridge: (faster) (still working on it)
I'm not satan,
not the messiah.
I'm me,
but what does that mean?
It seems useless,
to question everything.
but thats a part of me.
Interrogating all I see.
wondering,
what all it means.
never resting,
never stopping.
In my pursuit,
to know my truth.

verse 4:
Who am I,
What am I to be.
What does fate fortell?
whats my destiny.
God surley has a plan,
But i've my free will,
what it all amounts to,
I dont know still.

*repeat chorus* x2 (musical interlude between the repeat)

evadri · 02-02-2005, 01:22 AM

Wow, I just said in the other post about some imagery, but this one is packed full of it! I love the opposition b/w light and dark. Perhaps though some of it is too overt - maybe just one phrase in the chorus, possibly repeated in the verse could effectively imply the question 'Who am I?', instead of saying the same thing over and over in a very obvious way.

I think the bridge is very strong.

If I were you, I'd ditch the intro entirely. The description of morning is very redundant and doesn't say enough of anything to be of value to the rest of the work. And if I ditched the intro, I'd change the first line to something less depressing.

In the chorus, maybe 'Pain' would be better as 'confusion' or 'chaos' or something equal to that. I know it hurts, but doesn't the pain come from confusion and that type of limbo that comes with it?

After all that criticising, I really do get your message. It is really hard to work out who we are, and I'm definately struggling with it. It's true, sometimes you can feel just evil, but then you don't want to be that, you want to be right with God.

Anyway, good luck!

Mystery · 02-03-2005, 09:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by evadri

Wow, I just said in the other post about some imagery, but this one is packed full of it! I love the opposition b/w light and dark. Perhaps though some of it is too overt - maybe just one phrase in the chorus, possibly repeated in the verse could effectively imply the question 'Who am I?', instead of saying the same thing over and over in a very obvious way.

I think the bridge is very strong.

If I were you, I'd ditch the intro entirely. The description of morning is very redundant and doesn't say enough of anything to be of value to the rest of the work. And if I ditched the intro, I'd change the first line to something less depressing.

In the chorus, maybe 'Pain' would be better as 'confusion' or 'chaos' or something equal to that. I know it hurts, but doesn't the pain come from confusion and that type of limbo that comes with it?

After all that criticising, I really do get your message. It is really hard to work out who we are, and I'm definately struggling with it. It's true, sometimes you can feel just evil, but then you don't want to be that, you want to be right with God.

Anyway, good luck!

The intro adds allot, the start of understanding, realisation, it shows how you wake up like this thinking your alone,
Nothing can develop without a start, thus without his intro the song loses its meaning.

Plus your not get pain by being confused, you get hurt, pain is more inside pain, the one you feel when your in love, hurt is like when someone betrays you and your head hurts from thought.

Plus, god doesnt exist.

evadri · 02-03-2005, 04:38 PM

Of course it needs a beginning, but this one really doesn't tell me anything about the song. I understand the idea of being alone from the first verse well enough without the intro. The intro seems to me very cliche - with three lines describing the morning. It doesn't loose meaning without it because the message is stated so many other times in the song.

I'm not saying that all pain comes from confusion - only this type. Pain isn't specific enough to describe what he's feeling.

I believe God does exist, but what I believe isn't relevant here. It appears from the lyrics in the song that the writer believes in God, so that is why I mentioned it.

thamior · 02-03-2005, 06:59 PM

I trust both your opinions, though i've never heard from evadri before, nice to meet you

. I havent looked at in awhile, I guess I will and make changes as I find them, thanks for responding I thought no one would, it felt kind of like a failure to say the least.

evadri · 02-03-2005, 07:51 PM

Hey, thamior, you reviewed my lyric that I put up ('Maybe Love'), so I went on a rampage and looked at as many of yours as I could find.

I hope you don't feel like a failure, just because no one responds. I haven't had many responses to my lyrics or fiction yet, but I just think "Ah, these people are missing out!"

And so should you. Look at it this way, you've just had two people arguing over your lyrics - that should make you feel important! Keep practising your craft, and remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

thamior · 02-03-2005, 07:56 PM

ahh indeed but the human mind is far more complex than that, which is why I intend to study it. but aside fro mthat i'll take a look at your fiction when I get the chance, I have some of my own but its too long to post.

evadri · 02-03-2005, 08:03 PM

Ah yes, don't I know it - just don't let message boards muck you up - they're not that important

Argh! My fiction, yes, I dunno if it's still even on the first page. Wait, I'll make a link.

http://www.writingforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=11468

(I know it needs lots of work, so feel free to say what you want about it!)
And the other, slightly better story:

http://www.writingforums.com/viewtop...326&highlight=

As for yours, could you break it up and post it part by part?

thamior · 02-04-2005, 04:08 AM

maybe but even then it would be long, and if I posted it page by page it'd be 30-40 posts longs and thats without the story being finished...what i'm thinking of doing is putting it on a website but I cant find a good free host.

Night Wraith · 02-04-2005, 08:48 AM

That is one heck of a song. I think the reason some people don't reply is because they don't know what to say. It's one of those things that can end a conversation instatnly, but I really like most of your lyrics.