Shy_Love

::soft piano for about 30 seconds::

1st verse
Sitting in a room/people all around/only hering you/what a comforting sound

Chorus
my heart is drugged with the emotion of love/
only hearing you/
only feeling you/
only seeing you/

::piano plays for a few seconds::

2nd verse
butterflies/ swirling around inside me/every time/that your hand is in mine/

::piano plays for a few seconds again::

Chorus
my heart is drugged with the emotion of love/
only hearing you/
only feeling you/
only seeing you/

::piano becomes more soft::

3rd verse
the music fade away/ and the lights dimming down/just you and me/ no one else around

::piano builds also acustic gutar now playing::

Chorus 2 times
my heart is drugged with the emotion of love/
only hearing you/
only feeling you/
only seeing you/

::guitar fades away leaving just piano::

my heart is drugged with the emotion of love/
only hearing you/
only feeling you/
::pause::
only seeing you/


This is my first song that I've done in some time. I need some help on cleaing up the lyrics a bit. So anything you guys got would be awesome!!

Just so everybody is clear. The little / guy stands for every time I take a breath. Just to let ya know. ^_^

penny

Shy love,

I get that a lot of thought went into this song and I even read in the passion intent in the lyric. Is your intention to express romantic love and spiritual love as a cross over song?
Please keep in mind that this is only my opinion.
I think your hook line is a little 'clunky'
The rest of your lyrics have a flow that lends toward a melody. I would spend some time looking for a hook line that captures the listener...drugged and emotion of... are a little jaring to the ear. Try simpler words to say the same thing :
"My heart swells -I can hardly breath..."
or
"I love you so much my heart must break
But I'll have all of you that I can take"
Dont be afraid to extend the chorus to multiple lines. In your song it could make a difference. You are trying to say a lot in one line of the chorus -open it up so that it is remembered upon the first hearing. Make it memorable. Use the three lines below as tag lines after the chorus- I think that what you have done there is musically interesting (Musical theater usues that form of repetition often as emphasis)

The line "that your hand is with mine"

Try adding a different word here 'That your hand is in mine'

In the third verse how about 'just you and me/ no one else around'

...Just my opinion. You seem to have a handle on the arrangement I wish I could hear the finished piece. Good work on this one.

I invite you to go to my site and have a listen. Then you can get even
Thanks for putting it out there.
Penny/ken

__________________
It took a disease, taking my mobility from me to see further and clearer than when I could take that trip and see nothing. My spirit grows beyond my body. I am new again in this discovery of my internal landscape and its meanings.

Novicewriter

Hello there....I really enjoyed reading your lyrics... As far as I can tell, there isn't anything wrong. Good luck on recording your song.

__________________
"There are only two things that scare me...Dr. Evil and Carnies. You know, circus folk. They have small hands and smell like cabbage."

Mystery

:> i like it.
But many things went across my mind. I imagine this song being sang fast, without piano, more like bass/metal drums/classic guitar

Plus allot of things hit me, like chorus, your heart isnt drugged, your blood is, try expanding that fact, could become a much nicer verse.

And the use of /, in lyrics that means your pausing or music stops.

Keep am good work coming.

__________________
Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...

Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...

Yes, must still shut up.

Shy_Love

Thank you much everybody!!

Penny- you may hear the finished peice...I'll be posting it on www.purevolume.com once I do get this song fished. So maybe then you can get a better feel for the song. I do like some of the stuff you tossed at me and may use a bit of it. if you don't mind. ^_^

Bill- Thank you much!! ^_^

Jason- for me..the / is when I take a breath. Just maybe to help ya out there...

the song alot more slow then what your thinking. Its purely piano until the last chorus.

Thank you guys for the comments...keep em coming. I'm going to add more to my verses because their far to short..so once I add more I'll re post this.

Mystery

Im on that chatterbees place....in chat....and im sobe t.t come lets chat, im bored.

And ill be sure to listen to j00r sawng.

__________________
Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...

Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...

Yes, must still shut up.

Shy_Love

LoL..I'm on it now!! ^_^ Must have just missed ya. I've been at a funeral all day so I've been un able to reach internet. I'l be on for awhile though. Maybe we'll bump in again.