thamior

Well I havent posted any songs in awhile, but i'm better at songs than poems. In any case I havent written any worthy songs in awhile so Itook a look at some of my old stuff and found quite a bit I didnt post (or dont think I did) anyway heres one.

Theres a bit too much of everything.
And Ican't think of anything.
All these things,
And what I know.
Just seem to fall apart.

Chorus:
I'm forced to make decisions amidst confusion.
Isolated my mind faces exclusion.
Wandering and dazed,
I stumble through an ever growing maze.
- Free me from my imprisonment.
Excuse me while I lament.

Theres just some things I need to figure out.
Some things to wonder if i'm wrong or right about.
But I haven tmuch time,
and already I fall apart.
Just trying to make sense of things.

*repeat chorus*

What happened cannot be changed,
but it wasnt predestined or arranged.
I still have my free will,
to do what I can.
But do I just forget to continue on.

*repeat chorus*

Forgive me for being so unkindly rude.
Its hard to control my emotions in this mood.
But this setting hurts so much,
It reminds me of a sad, sad book.
And I guess the pages just keep flippin'.

*repeat chorus*

I may be sad for now....
--But i'll just look down the road....

Comments and critiques welcome

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Dark and Shattered Lands

TheUnnamedhero

I like it, except it seems to go on and on, and it sounds like a poem to me. may i suggest going into a breakdown or interlude sometime, verse chorus verse chorus gets boring after a bit. just my suggestion. and i would also try to get the idea across in a more simple way, not to say complex is bad, just it seems to go on and on with the same thing. gets old pretty quick. but i definately like the song and see a lot of potential in it.

-Zack

White Mouse

I like, I definitely like! I'm a great lover of music, this has the potential to become a great song.

However, I will agree with Unnamedhero, there is a bit of over-repetition of the verse/chorus format, and with a song like that, you're mad to not go into a completely different middle eight, and throw in the wonderful lyrics you thought of before, but couldn't fit into it at the time!

Have you got a tune for it already? I can just about hear one... it's great! Well done, keep at it!

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~*~ The White Mouse ~*~

desired_destiny

Awesome song! I must say I enjoyed reading it. I really can't say I see anything that needs to be changed.

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Words have no wings but they can fly a thousand miles.

Gilead

Nice, like somebody said here, this one carries the potential to become an interesting song, but I'll also agree with what somebody else said: This seems to go on and on.

I believe good song writing can be reinforced into following the correct pattern and churning a lyric into something that can influenced and understood, nobody's the expert here, and if there's anybody it's most certainly not me.

There are various patterns to follow. I use this one;

Verse1
Chorus
Verse2
Chorus
Bridge
Chorus * 2

And also;

Verse1
Channel
Chorus
Verse2
Channel
Chorus
Bridge
Chorus * 2

The ones stated above are mostly used in rock, pop and country songs. But when you step into the depth of each genre, there are slight variations. From the look of "Just look down the road", it seems like a country, or a mainstream pop country song. I'll suggest revision of pattern, and then a revision of content if you are OK with that, if you want a sample, I'll be most happy to help.

This lyric is promising with the amount of creativity and effectiveness imposed in it, don't let technicality drag you down. Keep it up!

Gil.

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Wanna feel divine? Light candles around a dark and abondoned roon, then play your acoustic guitar.

thamior

Thank you, well I don't follow any particular cheme, i have quite a few songs on here (most of you look new enough that you may not have seen them) and if you want to check those out you can see what i mean. I think on this one I just got a little lazy, i'll work on the cheme a little and repost (for the person that sees no problems i hope it only becomes better) and Gilead go ahead but i'll probally work on a rewrite too.

Edit:
If you want to see a page of most of my songs you can find it here:
http://www.writingforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=7382

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Dark and Shattered Lands