Leaning - Writers Forum

eddyosaysyo · 11-17-2004, 10:16 AM

Yes, i need a better title and its not up to the standard of other lyrics in this forum but its my 1st post so go easy on me!

You always promised me help and protection,
Paralell situations, with simular complications.
They wanted us gone, but we had each other,
One last chance before going completely.

The road of life was waiting to receive us,
Just one thing, stopping us from achieving;
A senseless barrier, strong with hate,
Blocking that road with no way through.

But surely two minds are better than one;
Joined in unison, could break past the foe?
We rallied up, prepared for collision,
But somehow, our numbers seemed depleted.

Youv’e gone, in search of better fortune,
To see what else lies on the road.
I try to ignore, try to turn away,
But laughter comes back from behind.

I turn, the barrier now a wall,
And you there, laughing with that wall;
Laying bricks with love and care.

Leaning,
Against the wall that ignorance built.

I think I’ll take another road.

By Eddy Willson

mammamaia · 11-17-2004, 12:23 PM

it may be a poem, eddy... but i'm sorry to say it's not a song lyric... there's not even the most basic lyric structure here, and no musicality to it...

read it out loud and you should see how the long lines, formal lingo, and big words don't lend themselves to the flow or beat of music...

a song lyric is much more than just a poem set to music... there must be a clear distinction between intro, verse, chorus, bridge... and consistency in repeats of the verse and chorus... this seems to have none of the above...

if you'd like more details, you can email me at:
maia3maia@hotmail.com

love and hugs, maia

kerpoe · 11-17-2004, 10:23 PM

Hey Eddie!

I have been writing songs for my band for years now. You have the poetic qualities it takes to write good lyrics, yet....these lyrics probably won't work...I'll tell you why....

1.) Most if not all song lyrics must rhyme

2.) There must be a consistent formulaic

3.) There cannot be any contorted syntax

4.) The syllables in each line must match the corresponding lines in number of syllables.

5.)IT has to convey depth, meter and imagery.

Good Luck,
I know you can do this

mammamaia · 11-18-2004, 12:18 PM

kerpoe...
if you'll pardon my asking, i've noticed you use the word 'formulaic' in other posts and can't for the life of me figure out what you mean...

formulaic is an adjective, not a noun [= characterized by or in accordance with some formula], so how can there 'be a' one?... do you mean 'formula' or 'rhyme scheme' or 'structure'?

i'm a pretty full-time poet and have been a lyricist, so have to satisfy my curiosity on this, if you'll be so kind...

btw, i agree with you on all other points... that one too, if you mean what i think you mean

...

love and hugs, maia