DrDuke

You enter,
Your auburn hair playing in the light,
Your luscious red smile,
Girl for you Id fight,
You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen,
Or maybe it’s the acid,

You could be the one,
Your voice like silk,
Your eyes like wine,
Your skin like slightly tanned milk,

It could be the acid,
Or it could be the dope,
Babe, when you enter no one is flaccid,
You fill me full of hope,

You’re beautiful,
You positively glow,
The drugs begin to ware off,
And I know…

It was the acid.

Mystery

Apart from being on a pretty stupid topic(imo) this will never get past a recording deal or international censorship laws(parental advisory)

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Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...

Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...

Yes, must still shut up.

Pawn

Do you really think he cares?



I don't really do lyric critique (the music is too important to the overall), but for what it's worth, this seemed perfectly enjoyable. I know just what you mean.

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C.A
Carpe Noctem
superlatenight.com

Nailbomb

Songs about girls and how pretty they are tend to end up pretty uniformly dull and boring and dumb. But this was a creative take on a hackeneyed lyrical topic, and therefore much more enjoyable to read.

And if you think acid is too risque a topic for censors and record labels to accept... you should try listening to cannibal corpse. Or eyehategod. Both of whom are signed to record labels. This song which is tame and poetic would have no trouble getting accepted.

thamior

I found it fine, though I see some mature content it doesnt detract from the song.

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Dark and Shattered Lands

kerpoe

Before I discuss the actual content of these lyrics I have one thing to say...

HUNTER S. THOMPSON IS THE MAN!

There is no contorted syntax, and it rhymes. That is a good thing. I went over it with a few riffs of mine on my guitar, sounds alright with most of them, and despite what anyone may say I think that the imagery and subject matter of it is brilliant. WHO GIVES A SH*T ABOUT DEGRADING OR DEPRICATING SUBJECT MATTER, THEY'RE ONLY WORDS AFTERALL!

KEEP UP! HST IS THE MAN!

KERpoe

DrDuke

Thanks Kerpoe,
Hunter S Thompson is indeed the man. I appreaciate your comments and think its great that you tried out a few riffs. If you wanna show me that would be great.
Regards,


Alec

kerpoe

sure ill tel you. I'll describe them to you vaguely at first (mostly keys and if you want specifics I can get them to you)

there are some easy chord progressions that force you to sing the song with a sense of exhilaration (not to much though, no hard-core or punk) some of these progressions include:

E A D G with solo scales in E and E minor

G C Am C-D

C7 shape in A, C7 shape in B flat, C7 shape in G (hard to figure this one out

Blues style:

I found any 12 bar blue progression in A if worked porperly can suffice, but I am sure the riff you originally wrote for the song is better than these (because after all you wrote it)

Good Luck and Keeep on scribbling,

KERpoe

Gulf Whiskey

Honestly, it doesn't matter how offensive(this song not being so) or mature the lyrics, it can get published and/or produced. Take Steven Lynch for example. I have never heard more offensive and morally wrong songs in my life. And, wait.... He has CDs out and a DVD. He has appeared on Comedy Central and much more. Don't let such negative posts as one of this thread's predecessors detract you from your work. I enjoyed this song alot. I think it pokes fun at love songs and is funny all the same. I am curious to see your next songs and be of any help to you. On another note, I noticed on your profile that you are still a high school student. Almost all my favorite bands started out in high school. Ween, my favorite band, started in eigth grade. Ween has lyrics similar to your at times. The Coral, a British band, started out in high school. And, I believe, Neutral Milk Hotel also started out in high school. Never stop trying.

If you have any music already recorded, please check out my site and email me. I am always looking to promote people music on my website. www.bluegypsie.com

Best of Luck.