srhalfwaythere

I wrote this myself 0 not too long ago. I may need to change the words around in the order, but this is coming right off the paper. Hope you like:

What Should I Do?

When I can't get to you
No matter how hard I try
My efforts seems all to fry
From the first time I met you
My folly was evident
You seem to always be taken
Your beauty cannot be spoke
Letting you know how I truly feel
Seems so hard if you knew what I knew
The feeling I have shouldnt be allowed
Because your boyfriend is my friend too
What should I do?
With the feelings I have
The thoughts I make
And my heart that aches for you
Looking at you
Is killing my soul
Cause no matter what I do
It's eating me whole

- Yeah.. not the best and needs some work. But that's about a girl I've liked for a year now but every time she's single I never get there in time, I'm always second. I just wish she could know how I feel, but without hurting anything with my friend. Thanks.

Sean

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Sean Riordan

"Being half way there is enough to last a lifetime, but far enough to keep you going." - Sean Riordan

thamior

two things:
1)
Your song is good, not great but most songs arent. And we all will have bad songs, good songs, and great songs. yours was good and I do want to see more.

2)
Give it time, dont do anything now, despite how you feel. When and if they break up try again, dont be shy if you really feel that way. If hey dont break up they may have something that you as a friend should reconize, just my two cents.

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Dark and Shattered Lands

riadohaed

Bout the song, not bad its got potential.. i know how your feeling... been there its shitty. rework it, id say focus a verse on how lookin at her w/ him makes you feel, or jus her. if i were gonna write this song which i have before, haha, i would, first verse, whys she so great, come up w/ a chorus, 2 verse why does it hurt so much, 3rd verse do you hate her or do you love her...


hey man you wanna get this girl, this is what you gotta do....
first off, jus cuz shes not single doesnt mean you quit, keep callin her n tryin ta hang out unless she tells you she doesnt want to.
2nd, be her friend while shes got a bf, and be a good one too, so she comes to you instead of tha douche bag, that will build trust which is key.
3rd, dont wait til the "right time" b/c its always too late.
4th, mess w/ her a little bit, them fuckin girls love playin mind games so play back, hang out w/ her a few times, then dont call her for a while, make her wait, make her think about you. got it man, shit works time and again.
.... if all fails, move on, biggest mistake u could make is waste ur time on her when theres other girls out there... by the way how old are you anyways?

srhalfwaythere

Haha, great advice bro. I love that stuff. I'll put it to use as soon as possible. I'm 16. Well thanks for your ten cents, if that's the right wording, cya.

Sean

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Sean Riordan

"Being half way there is enough to last a lifetime, but far enough to keep you going." - Sean Riordan

Farror

"My efforts seems all to fry"

Bad grammar, bad rhyme.

"Your beauty cannot be spoke"

I assume you mean spoken? Either way, it doesn't make too much sense. How about something like "your beauty cannot be told"?

"Seems so hard if you knew what I knew"

You already know it, so it should be "knew what I know"

"Seems so hard if you knew what I knew
The feeling I have shouldnt be allowed
Because your boyfriend is my friend too"

This whole section seems flawed to me. "The feelings" plural.

"You're boyfriend is my friend too" Is honestly not very attractive language. It seems to take away from your lyrics, see if you can't find a way to reword it.

"The thoughts I make
And my heart that aches for you"

Just an idea,

"Thought I make,
heart that aches,
for you"

What do you think?

"Looking at you
Is killing my soul
Cause no matter what I do
It's eating me whole"

Good ending, but third line there should be shortened to something more like "No matter what I do"

Other than that, this was a good enough set of lyrics, although it is a bit cliched.

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