overlookreality

Okay, this is my first lyric I've posted on here.
As a bit of backgrouund, I am soon to be 19 and starting a new band after having written for multiple bands in my past.
Most of my old lyrics were more straightforward, structured, chorus-based, etc... and I still do appreciate that kind of work, it's just not what I'm going for with this new group.
I understand it's pretty unconventional as far as lyrics and titles go, but this is how it was intended. All lyrics and title are still somewhat tenative, of course.
I plan on incorporating this lyric into a loose concept album which toys with the idea of self deciet and other similar thoughts.
I know this is quite unlike most of what I've read here (as well as what generally makes up popular song lyrics), that said, I would still greatly appreciate any comments you have on this song, the first I've posted here. Thank you for your time.
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Discomforting frontier (a sense of loss congruent with discovery)


I think I may have lost what I once held so close
but what this was I may never know.
An empty distinction persists in my eye
as shutters reveal a familiar sky,
an empty sight still looming so high
above the words I ache for to describe.
And I wonder on of another time
with no physical trace of ours behind,
of what will be expressed as our minds
and what will never exist outside.
In moments like these I start to feel
my senses flutter to conceal,
to preserve thoughts of content,
belief in self-accomplishment.
Is it more weak to argue thoughts so surreal
or discard the results they reveal?
Still then what is to be said or be implied
of the blindness that would be otherwise?
If it's most trusted it's rarely observed,
if its named valid for most it is never deferred,
by the light of transcendence of issues
with the ease of traditional archaic virtues.
And here I find what I had lost,
and can retrieve what never was
and leave the discomfort of frontier,
stay true to my innocuous nature.
I find comfort in the ability to overlook reality,
subconsciously fool myself into believing I believe.
In smiling acceptance I lie through my teeth.
In breathing I say nothing you don't already know.

Mystery

Doesnt make good lyrics?
Eminem sang about homosexuality, drugs and how the law system is bullshit and his a worldwide hit..

Plus this isnt in lyrical form

__________________
Imagine what you could do if you didn't require sleep... Now calculate all the hours you've lost so far with sleep, Insomnia ain't seeming so bad now is it?

penny

You have a gift for prose. Nothing blocking you here.
Freestyle work appeals to me as well, although over the years it is a private indulgence. It's hard to find fans for that style. It's still so much truer to poetry and doesn't restrict and sometimes when it works it really works. Go back and listen to any Procal Harem LP (Quicksilver, Jefferson Airplane, Spirit, even Crosby,Stills And Nash. Don't laugh there is inspiration there. Same issues different time. It's all rock and roll.)
I don't know the music for this song but I'm sure it works. Is there a hook in the music... a riff repeating to give the listener something to hang on to? A free form piece can get some help there. I tell you, I don't think adding a two line chorus to this one would hurt it at all. The prose is srong and it would give the listener something to remember and make the verse 'sticky' in their heads. If you are doing a project sticking in a couple "correctly" organized simple tunes won't hurt either.
these lines pop out at me not only because they rhyme but the meaning is powerful enough to make me want to hear more.
Good work. I would like to see more of where this vein is going.
Penny

__________________
It took a disease, taking my mobility from me to see further and clearer than when I could take that trip and see nothing. My spirit grows beyond my body. I am new again in this discovery of my internal landscape and its meanings.

Mystery

Im gonna quote one line of eminem
"its over, nobody listens to techno"

Plus this guy send me a private message wit ha sarcastic "how old are you" for those comments. I really have no more opinions of this person. He is too immature to be able to write music.

__________________
Imagine what you could do if you didn't require sleep... Now calculate all the hours you've lost so far with sleep, Insomnia ain't seeming so bad now is it?

overlookreality

Thanks for the comments, Penny. I am not using these lyrics any more though, because I've come to realize that most people are like Mystery than not. I'm working on a couple new pieces, but I don't think I'm going to post them here, because I get the feeling this forum works better for people trying to write hit singles than people trying to express an idea.

And Mystery, I was asking how old you were after reading your response (which didn't make any constructive sense in relation to my post - I really have no clue where the whole "homophobic" thing came into this, it seems you just wanted to bring Eminem into the post), and then noticing in your signature that you misuse "your" and misspell "meant" as well as "rough".... to me, it seems like I am talking to someone at least a few years younger than me. Am I wrong?

Okay writing forum, this is goodbye, I hope all of your lyrics work out for you and that anyone else who doesn't fit the radio form isn't too discouraged by people who don't understand.

Mystery

And the fact that the majority is like my doesnt tell you that your the alienated one, not me?
Plus you havent read anything of mine yet kid, so dont comment on what i am ¬¬.
Also learn to appreaciate critism, nobody told you to come here, heck nobody told you to post here, YOU came to a critisism forum and YOU posted, i told you the truth, dont like it, not my problem.
dont post on a crit forum if you cant take it ¬¬

__________________
Imagine what you could do if you didn't require sleep... Now calculate all the hours you've lost so far with sleep, Insomnia ain't seeming so bad now is it?

penny

whoa!
The truth about opinion is we all have them. Overlook, it would be a loss to me and us for you to not let us review your work here. I'm a 57 year disabled,working writer singer musician.( Still recording albums) Hits are the lotto- I still pump a formula song every so often with hope my number will come up.. But in spite of what all the books tell you about how to do it, a song on the charts is a gift from on high.
Good songwriting is a skill aquired with work and peace and cynisism and clarity and anger and joy and a tweeked view of the world. We are songwriters because we have something to say...yes I like the simplicity of young writers and the need to write hits( Good luck) I also like the writer who undauntingly works only from the 'art' of it- again good luck. Both of you write well and are correct to write as you do, whether for the art or for the hit...just different. Go to my web site and listen to both. By the by, I wrote a little regional hit called 'Mercy Too' a poorly performed instrumental surf tune back in the early 60's. Just goes to show -you never know.
I like what you both write and I would like to see more.
Both of you walk to the end of the street and draw.
Penny

__________________
It took a disease, taking my mobility from me to see further and clearer than when I could take that trip and see nothing. My spirit grows beyond my body. I am new again in this discovery of my internal landscape and its meanings.

penny

PS
For you both- think about a song we have all heard ,to many times, and makes a ton -oh - cash.
'The Surfing Bird" The birds the word the bird the bird the bird is the word moa moa moa moa moa moa the bird is the word.
Enough said?

__________________
It took a disease, taking my mobility from me to see further and clearer than when I could take that trip and see nothing. My spirit grows beyond my body. I am new again in this discovery of my internal landscape and its meanings.