Destiny

Hi ^.^

Right. Well. I haven't posted anything yet at all, so I figure I might as well post this song. I wrote these lyrics on a spontaneous bolt of inspiration a couple of days ago, and spent yesterday and today recording it. Sooooo...

Bearing in mind this particular song was a sort of upbeat trancey-dancey song, it relies primarily on the rhyme and the rhythm of the lyrics to keep the song going. So um yes. I will stop babbling...

The lyrics are quite personal I suppose.... It's basically a message to myself, but I guess to anybody, really, who lacks self-confidence.

Comments? Critique? Would be very much appreciated!



.:: THE MESSAGE ::.

© Helen E. Trevillion - 2004

Close your eyes, what do you see?
You hate yourself for what you never were,
And what you'll never be.
You paint your world in black and white,
And somehow put yourself below the rest,
Just because you're second best.

Oh, listen to yourself -
There's always something missing,
Something more you could've done.

But if you slam on the brakes at every mistake,
You'll always be one step behind,
And if the harder you try, the harder you cry,
It'll only be tears that you find.

Tell me now, how do you feel?
You're as strong as you believe,
And you've done things that anyone
Would be proud to achieve.
It's always you against the world.
When will you stop fighting for the top
And be content with what you've got?

Oh, have a little faith.
You're really something special,
So why won't you believe it?

If you slam on the brakes at every mistake,
You'll always be one step behind,
And if the harder you try, the harder you cry,
It'll only be tears that you find.
If you slam on the brakes at every mistake,
You'll always be one step behind,
And if the harder you try, the harder you cry,
It'll only be tears that you find.

You close your eyes, and still you see
The memory of how you used to be
Before you... stopped.

So now you try
To resurrect
That part of you
That used to fly, used to shine,
High above the grey and blue.

Oh, you're not somebody else -
You're all the things you'd ever wanna be,
So why can't you believe?

If you slam on the brakes at every mistake,
You'll always be one step behind,
And if the harder you try, the harder you cry,
It'll only be tears that you find.

If the reason you breathe is the goal that you see
Then you'll never be satisfied.
'Cause what's the reward when perfection is flawed,
And the best you can do falls wide?

If you slam on the brakes at every mistake,
You'll always be one step behind,
And if the harder you try, the harder you cry,
It'll only be tears that you find.

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d e s t i n y - h i k a r i . n e t

Martin

I like the lyrics very much especially the chorus and that you lengthen it the second time, but it seems, like you said, as a messege to yourself. A bit too much you know. But good lyrics.

Destiny

Thank you for the comments Martin ^.^

Though, what exactly do you mean -
Do you mean the lyrics are too obscurely personal? I left them sort of unspecific so that they wouldn't be (I tried, anyway), so never mind.

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d e s t i n y - h i k a r i . n e t

Martin

At first you could be talking to anyone, like a voice giving advice to a friend, but then the lyrics go:

Oh, listen to yourself -
There's always something missing,
Something more you could've done.

It's in the first line of the verse above you directly refer to yourself. It makes it harder for the readers (or at least for me) to put themselves in your place, making the lyrics less interesting. So I think by altering a few lines, or maybe only the one above, you would make it easier for others to relate.

Something else, you shouldn't tell us that the song is a message to yourself. Then we won't read it as it reads, you know.

Well, if it sings well then it's not that big a deal and if you want it to go out as a message to you then you should stick with it.
Allright?
By the way, I really love the chorus

Destiny

*very confused*

Okay, you lost me in this comment. When did I refer to myself? Sorry if I'm just being stupid, but I genuinely just don't understand what you're telling me to do.

Oh, listen to yourself -
There's always something missing,
Something more you could've done.

^ This, just like the rest of the song, is the singer talking to "you" as the listener. There isn't a single place in the song where I've used the words "I" or "me" so... I'm really quite lost.


Anyway, thanks again for the critique, confusing as I found it! ^^;


It is indeed a message to myself, but it is also a message to anybody else in the same psychological situation (which, judging by the responses I have so far to the finished song, is actually quite a lot of people ^^) Most songs are written from the perspective of the writer, but that doesn't mean other people can't relate, does it?

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d e s t i n y - h i k a r i . n e t

Martin

You're right, you're not directly refering to yourself. Sorry 'bout that!!! It just seems unnatural if you are not; "oh, listen to yourself". It doesen't fit in with the rest of that particular verse.
Maybe I just can't abstract from knowing it is a message to yourself.

I feel like I just swaped side. Check out my poem Equation Nut and the critique
http://www.writingforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=4938

Beeswing

I like this very much Destiny!

Whether it's a message to yourself or to anyone who's feeling a little inadequate or insecure - it's one helluva message, and worded so well. I like the way it flows.

"If the reason you breathe is the goal that you see
Then you'll never be satisfied.
'Cause what's the reward when perfection is flawed,
And the best you can do falls wide"

This part is my favourite!!