A moment more - Writers Forum

Mystery · 07-21-2004, 09:33 AM

A Moment More:

When this Began
I felt like nothing would go wrong
Until you came
Into my life, now I’m singing this song
Yet it is so
That I cannot act or speak the way I did before
Cuz I can’t find
Any logic left in me, I’m bathing [in insanities shore]

Why does everything have to be this way?
How come you get the last say?
You had better listen carefully to what I feel
I can’t take this a moment more, [too great the ordeal]

Everybody says
That I shouldn’t bother with you anymore
Yet I Feel
That there is no one else [there hasn’t been before]
But then why do I see
That your damaging me beyond repair
Is it worth it?
To fall in this hole eternally [why do I despair]

Why does everything have to be this way?
How come you always get the last say?
You better listen to what I’m feeling
[Go on] a moment more, but the pain is stealing
[Too much from me]

As I fall/endlessly into the dark, I realise…..
That there isn’t enough dark, to cover a candle
In a world like this where I cant visualise
That im standing at eternity’s door/holding the handle

How can i make this better?
I mean i think its great, I like it(ofc i wrote it >_>)
But how can i make it better?
This i wrote after hearing Avril Lavinges "my happy ending" and "somewhere i belong". Its not really like either.
What you think, and what you think will make it better please

?

Thx in advance.

Shy_Love · 07-21-2004, 08:13 PM

I like it and don't see hardly anything wrong with it...there was one part I got lost in.....hold on....I'm going back to find where it is.................................

"As I fall/endlessly into the dark, I realise…..
That there isn’t enough dark, to cover a candle
In a world like this where I cant visualise
That im standing at eternity’s door/holding the handle"

I think I got lost only because I'm not sure how the beat goes. I tried singing it but I can't sneak out of my style of singing which is making it hard to understand the song. I think its awesome and I'm sure if I knew the whole beat I would get it. I'm just a tad slow.

I really like it though! Your only 15 and writing better lryics then I.

Mystery · 07-22-2004, 02:00 AM

The last part isnt sung. It's like slow chanted without music. I'd be half talking.

"As i fall.....endlessly...into the dark
I realise...theres isnt enough darkness In this world,
To cover the light...of a small candle"

Is how it would be in singform.

Thx for the commnets ^_^
This is a nice mutual help friendship

Shy_Love · 07-22-2004, 02:07 PM

Ah! I see....ok I understand now. Oh yes this is a nice little helping friendship. ( wow that sounds cheesy ) I have one song I'm trying to write right now and I need some help with it. I want to ask you because I like how you write you lryics...the name in "blood shed tears" but I havn't got much going for the lryics...maybe when I get it rolling some you can read it and help me out?

Mystery · 07-23-2004, 08:28 AM

Ver.1

I told you once, i'll tell you twice, if you want to you can bounce, but dont leave me hanging
With the dice in my hand, suspended high on a tighrope
Wheres all that hope
now?
I wouldn't have seen it coming, but i know who from when it hit me it left me spinning
Come'on on now come come, admit to your mistake
Wheres all that hate
now?

Doesnt make much sense eh ^_^?
It'l a 10 line rap, keeps a flow and rhythme, It's about betrayall from someone who you never though it would come from.
Then their sorry and now your serving them

Ver.2

The faith, and the hope, the tyring aspiration
The rock, and the dope, the endless determination
Fun turns to tears
And tears turn to bloodstained years
Throwing the dice? no no your playing with life
Cuz sooner or later its comes tredging behind you with a knife...

LPU style w00t?
Alternative punk rock or so. Its quite nice imo better than 1

Could use some colouring in it(fades/ stutters/ repetition)
/pauses)

Chorus(for either)

blood stained tears
Is all you get
For feeding me my fears
You've lost the bet
I'm coming back
coming right round
ending thats that
Imma beat you to the ground

Like rap, fast, short and weet

Chorus(for either)

The start is the preparation for the end
When we were first here we knew again
we'd both lose each other, only once
Can we love each other
Through all of the years
all you did was hurt me
You needed to see me cry
With blood stained tears......(tears fades)

well just some suggestions. The phrase "blood stained tears" can be interpreted in many ways. For the mutual help friendship, I'm cyrpiot, I dont know what i could have said in proper english

OR im just stupid :>

My e-mail if you wanna send me what you've got to talk(also on MSN wooohoo) : Kilniat_bloodwalker@hotmail.com
Long Oo

Shy_Love · 07-23-2004, 12:24 PM

sweet! Thank you! I'll have to email you some time with some other stuff...and maybe some of the stuff I already have..maybe you can help me make em better!

Mystery · 07-24-2004, 01:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shy_Love

sweet! Thank you! I'll have to email you some time with some other stuff...and maybe some of the stuff I already have..maybe you can help me make em better!

Natuerlich