song- Pains game - Writers Forum

Vlad · 07-20-2004, 09:26 AM

Here I stand
Broken and lost
Thinking of the past
Remembering the pain

Sitting now
Feeling hollow
Wanting now
to leave this sorrow
As i sit
i can only wait
To watch the pain turn into hate

Remembering all of this Sh!#
i can only think of one thing
Even though i have tried
i can't stop
you haunt my mind
even though you are like my soul
i feel like leaving you behind

::Chorus 1::
And Now
alone i stray
Walking in the rain
While it washes away the pain
I'm thinking my life is a game

I've tried
so many times
it seems no matter how hard i did
i always seemed to fail
this game is a waste
this game is my life

::Chorus 2::
And now
here i plan
a new dimension is at hand
breaking the rules
breaking the Cycle
All i got to do now
is Reach out and grab it

::Chorus 1::
::Chorus 2::
::Chorus 1::

This is the game,
that is the plan,
you better prepare,
Because i'm a whole new man.

What do you think? i have changed it up alot, because well.. it was alittle dull when i first wrote them, but tell me what you all think!

Dark Rose · 07-20-2004, 12:18 PM

It's good.

thamior · 07-21-2004, 04:40 AM

its very good, one part i didnt like was the swear but realistically people swear i just tend to be against it in music.

Mystery · 07-21-2004, 09:11 AM

Too many lines are like those I've seen.
Cant remember exact song names but lines like

"And watch the pain turn into hate"
"Im a brand new man"

Are too cliche....people use them allot.

Also your rhyming pattern is weird. I was readings it, sung it and was like wtf till i resung it using Eat you Alive's instrumental. It could fit(even though short) but the rhyming needs a little change.

you change rhymes from

1-3
2-4
1-4
2-5

And so on. It gets hard to keep up breathwise.

But its good for the song it is.
Keep it up.