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I think I've done better
This has got a rhythme and a good flow I believe, I kept to the 16 bars verse and 8 bar chorus, I didnt rhyme line with line so I could have a kind of funky beat/rhythme, I hope it worked out, I sang it out loud fast and half angry half sad, it sounded nice to me.
Anyway I'm thinking of an extra verse but I'd like to get opinions first
Shattered
Verse 1
I just feel like there are broken shards of glass in my mouth N’ I just cant turn
This hourglass,
My time has ended and its coming to an end and ending all over again
I just need something to shift the sands the odds to my favour something to bend or tilt
This hourglass around
I need more time, through the hours the minutes the seconds the sound
I can feel it beckoning all around, I think I’m falling down n’ I don’t wanna look a clown
But this feeling it wont go away, I’m feeling that when I feel
I feel something that shouldn’t be there something that’s I shouldn’t care
If it’s real or leading me onto the end of this tightrope I’m too high
I just see a dead end all over and if I fall I cant fly , my hope is shrinking
It’s gonna be an end its gonna end all over again, while I’m blinking it only needs one blink for me to sink,
I’m trying to pull myself up but I cant find the help myself or the help to help myself there no saviour, No life board
To keep myself afloat, the person who pulled me up is not there for me to pull up to [anymore]
Chorus:
The end of this story shattered
And what happens next is the next thing that you wanna find out
The end of Line is broken
And I’m broke, I just broke all the hope and I need a way out
All can see is what I cant seem to believe
I’m stepping on the end of this line and in time
I cant seem to feel where the feeling in my feet is gone
I’m stepping on my shattered past and it feels like broken glass
Verse 2
The hourglass has tilted and the pressure is on
My time has started from the start I finaly tilted the sand to fall from the top
But now I’ve got a limit of time and its bending the line I’m losing my time
Through the hours the minutes the seconds I feel it beckons
I risked everything to take the risk to pursue everything I didn’t have or had lost
I risked it all to find what I would never find cuz if I found it I wouldn’t know
How to go about taking it again, I’d be stressed and embarrassed again
And the flow would stop all over again
I’m repeating what I cant seem to get out of me, I’m trying to delete all of the anxiety
But no matter what I do how far I push there seems to be a slash
That’s stops my feeling from being complete and the it’s a lash over and over
It’s bashing my back the whip as it slips and it hits across me
Why wont it stop n’ just stop from trying to stop me from stopping the pain that’s is killing my inside,
I don’t want to have to decide but its coming my way and if I don’t say what I need to say
It will flay the skin from my spine, I’ve got to keep moving away onto the line
Chorus
The end of this story shattered
And what happens next is the next thing that you wanna find out
The end of Line is broken
And I’m broke, I just broke all the hope and I need a way out
All can see is what I cant seem to believe
I’m stepping on the end of this line and in time
I cant seem to feel where the feeling in my feet is gone
I’m stepping on my shattered past and it feels like broken glass
__________________
Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...
Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...
Yes, must still shut up.
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, i don't know if there are any bad parts to it as i'm not very good so i thought i'd compliment.
