thamior

First I should say most of my songs are a little depressing...

Falling...Falling...All around me dissapears...

Can't you see the pain in my face.
Can you see that i'm unhappy,
my unhappiness is too commonplace.

As the tears stain my cheeks.
It seems that years go by,
But they go in place of weeks.

[Guitar solo]

Chorus:
Life's slipping from each and every finger.
Perhaps i've no room left to linger.
As weeks go by, but years they last.
The will to live 's leaving my body way too fast.

Nothing left that I can do.
Nothing left for me to say.
Perhaps it is time that i go.
It seems i just waste each day.

The clock goes too slow,
I cannot tell the time at all.

[guitar solo]

[chorus]

perhaps its time to leave it all......

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Dark and Shattered Lands

LindyM

Good thing you have a smiley-faced avatar!

I think you've captured a feeling with this song. The darkness of the downward spiral is clear in this song. And the rhythm of the syllables and the lines is very strong, suggesting a heavy musical background.

You've already got your orchestrations planned into this. Do you have the song completed? Curious how far along it is.

I like your work.


Lindy

thamior

nah, i have to work on the guitar part now which is the most difficult since i'm still actually learning guitar. (any musical background comes with band and discussions with friends). Its good that I was able to express the feeling, often I get off track (ive written around 5 others).

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Dark and Shattered Lands

Creative_Insanity

Wow, I really like your work. And depressing songs are good for the soul. Keep it up. . . if you ever record it let us hear! I would be really interested to check it out. It's beautiful work.

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“No.” We walked a bit in silence and then the Fool said quietly, “Fitz, home is people. Not a place. If you go back there after the people are gone, then all you can see it what is not there anymore.”

thamior

heh, i havent thought of a way to sing it well as my voice sucks.

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Dark and Shattered Lands

Creative_Insanity

aw, well it's okay. . . maybe you could get one of your friends to do it? But then again, it's a bit hard to show another person exactly what you want it to sound like. . . whatever. Keep up the lyric-writing, though. It's great.

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“No.” We walked a bit in silence and then the Fool said quietly, “Fitz, home is people. Not a place. If you go back there after the people are gone, then all you can see it what is not there anymore.”

penny

If you are new at song writing then you do have a gift. By the by self-deprecating never leaves . I've been writing for 40 years and still wonder if what I write matters to any one but me. In the end, of course it must matter to me. Like anything else if it's true then its right and those that hear your songs will be moved. Don't be afraid to get even closer to your feelings - what's really going on to have you feel that way? - Good work!!!
Penny

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It took a disease, taking my mobility from me to see further and clearer than when I could take that trip and see nothing. My spirit grows beyond my body. I am new again in this discovery of my internal landscape and its meanings.

thamior

I never really thought I had a gift in song writing, I always kinda thought it showed in my novel writing . But thanks for the compliment. I guess this song was me being pissed off at things I can't control. I hate so many things in my life and I don't have control over them .

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Dark and Shattered Lands

penny

We don't have much control. It's as if we are driving our car steering with the radio knobs. The best we can do is to find a geat song and sing along. The crash will come. I enjoy the idea that when the enivitable comes it's my song on the radio and that it had been on the charts for years.
Some people do find the steering wheel- I've never met one. I don't think they would be all that interesting.

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It took a disease, taking my mobility from me to see further and clearer than when I could take that trip and see nothing. My spirit grows beyond my body. I am new again in this discovery of my internal landscape and its meanings.

Beeswing

I echo everything that's been said - you have a talent! - keep at it! From one struggling scribe to another - although I suspect there's a lot of years between us - doesn't make any difference - I agree with Penny - when the crash comes - I want to be listening to my song on the radio! - wonderful allegory (or whatever its called) Penny! Do you mind being quoted?

penny

Not at all...it all comes down from the same place. We should all have our song playing when it's our time. Why don't we have that be true? This day, this time I declare us all ( those who post on this site) famous songwriters, poets, writers, playwrights and screenwriters- to be.
If not now - then soon!

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It took a disease, taking my mobility from me to see further and clearer than when I could take that trip and see nothing. My spirit grows beyond my body. I am new again in this discovery of my internal landscape and its meanings.

Zandarielle

This is probably my favorite song by you.....steven...If you cant guess who this is by looking at the user name your pretty stupid,lol j/k!!But I really do love this song,are you going to make me sing it like the others?lol.I would really like to try to sing it to....when I see you that is....I havent gotten anything up on this sight yet but I hope I will soon.Bye bye!!!

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I took you to the apex of a maelstrom and asked you if you would accompany me in a quick fall, but you made me realize my ticket wasnt for two....I rode alone.

Ralizah

Alright, first thing I noticed that I like: You keep the same atmosphere and voice thoughout the whole of the lyrics. That's hard to do with anything.

Second thing: It flows. It's not rough on the eyes. It's smooth and fluid.

Spelling errors:

"Can you see that i'm unhappy,"
Unless that's a stylistic effect, the 'i'm' needs to be 'I'm'

"The will to live 's leaving my body way too fast."
Fix the spacing on that apostrophe.

"Perhaps it is time that i go.
It seems i just waste each day."
Fix the 'i's on both of these.

"perhaps its time to leave it all......"
'its' should be 'it's,' as in 'it is'
Also, unless it's purposeful, you need to capitalize the 'p'
Lastly, you might like to lighten up on the number of dots. Maybe to 3. Just a thought.

Also, this is just a personal thing, but I find if you give some idea as to why the person is so depressed, it'll come off better. Think "My Immortal." In the song, it's clear the man she loves dies, which is why she's so down.

All in all, it's excellent.

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Thoughts: Philosophy is the basis of human morality and thus it is also the basis of human life; loving life is a result of applying a healthy philosophy.

Shy_Love

I'm sure you've heard enough of this by now, but I like this alot. You show the feelings really well.. Good job!

Yes..it is a good thing you have that smilely faced avatar.