Beeswing

This is my first post, and I'm very new to all this, so be gentle with me!

Broken

verse 1

A heart left undefended
A dream condemned to die
A hope that hangs suspended
By a Judas kiss goodbye

verse 2

A choice between old passion
And new love to be betrayed
A smiling sweet assassin
With a sacrificial blade

chorus

A future stolen by a lie
A truth too ruthless to deny
A hurt that can't be mended
A wound that won't be tended
A joy too quickly ended
And a vow too soon unmade

Now everything is ended
For a love that waits to fade

verse 3

The ghost of gone tomorrows
Whispers sadly on the stair
In a lonely house of sorrows
Filled with echoes of despair

verse 4

The lines cannot be spoken
The guitar will not strum
The strings have all been broken
When the song had just begun

chorus

No more close harmonies to share
No sweet soul music fills the air
The last word has been spoken
It's a tune no key can open
The guitar strings are broken
And the chords are all undone

Now everything is broken

Everything is broken

Everything is broken

And the song remains unsung

Mouse

Hi Bee, cool mate. I liked [an:42a3e03c53] The song
remains unsung [/an:42a3e03c53] Keep up the nice
lyrics...

All's well.....Mouse...

__________________
It"s just a phase

Dooga Aetrus Blackrazor

I'm not sure what time basis makes it too late to reply to a topic without being considered breaking common forum rules.

However, I'd like to say that song was magnificent. If you have a band or ever get someone to sing it please give me a shout. I pictured Amy Lee singing it because of well, the song Broken. Using her voice in my head the song as that much better. Awesome job!

Beeswing

Thank you! You're comments are greatly appreciated. I'm working on trying to find someone to put my words to music (I don't play ) But your words give me hope and encouragement!

Mystery

I put this song to some music....I couldnt make a riff for it...
The rhyming and beat change in verse two, its also longer, The Chorus is kinda mangled between the rhyming and rhythme
In the last two lines the Rhyme is "broken" , you see when writing Love music, R n' B or rock, each line has a certain amount of syllables to sound nice, with a good rhythme, this song doesnt have thing, there are parts where it doesnt just hit together.

The lyrics are kinda good but some dont make sense,
"A hope the hangs suspended
By a judas kiss goodbye"

Makes no sense to me, how is a hope suspended by a betryers kiss Oo?
It looks to me like it was just done to rhyme...

"A smiling sweet assasin
With a sacrificial blade"

Besides the sacrificial mixing up my tongue and breaking my mind rhythme, this makes no sense again, its done to rhyme, I mean the start is
"A choice between old passion
And a love condemed to die"

1)If its condemed theres no point in it
2)Old passion? first love?

The first two lines make no sense with the last two it might be condemed to die, but the assasin? You mean to kill the love? You portray it as Love being the assasin in that.

1st verse has a slow beat, verse 2 has a faster one

"now everything is ended"

This is ----> has
Is refers to the past whole the sentence portrays past...

I repeat: every verse breaks rhythme and rhyming patterns...

I'm not trying to put your hopes down, but im not making you get a big head, your song isnt perfect, its got some mistakes.

__________________
Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...

Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...

Yes, must still shut up.

Beeswing

Thanks for your comments Mystery. I appreciate you taking the time to try and put my words to music. As I said, I'm pretty new to lyric writing, and, not being very musical, it is sometimes difficult to hear my words in a musical framework, and get the rythm etc right.

Anyway - a few responses to your comments/crticisms:-

[The lyrics are kinda good but some dont make sense,
"A hope the hangs suspended
By a judas kiss goodbye"

Makes no sense to me, how is a hope suspended by a betryers kiss Oo?
It looks to me like it was just done to rhyme... ]

Seems pretty straightforward to me. This is a song about love betrayed. The first verse has a theme running through it - condemned/sentenced to death - "undefended - condemned - hangs"?

The hope of this love has not only been suspended but killed.

Judas hanged himself!

["A smiling sweet assasin
With a sacrificial blade"

Besides the sacrificial mixing up my tongue and breaking my mind rhythme, this makes no sense again, its done to rhyme, I mean the start is
"A choice between old passion
And a love condemed to die"

1)If its condemed theres no point in it
2)Old passion? first love?

The first two lines make no sense with the last two it might be condemed to die, but the assasin? You mean to kill the love? You portray it as Love being the assasin in that. )

The first two lines of verse 2 are actually:-

"A choice between old passion
And new love to be betrayed"

Again the meaning is obvious to me (not surprising, I suppose, as I wrote it!). He had to make a choice between a new love and an old love that was supposed to be over, but has resurfaced. He has sacrificed the new love for the old one. He is the assassin!

I imagine this line sung with anger - every syllable of "sacrificial" being emphasised - that way it wouldnt mix up your tongue

What's wrong with the 2nd verse having a faster beat? I've read the verses again, and to me, they appear to have the same rythm, metre etc. But as I said, I'm not musical so maybe I don't see it.

It's quite painful to pull the meaning of the words apart like this. I don't think that the meaning needs to be fully understood, as long as the listener can identify with the imagery/idea/emotions etc.

Anyway. Thanks again for your input Mystery