Hi CW, Nice write up buddy.
CW wrote
Quote:
(verse 1)
Speak softly, for the light is dear
|
I don't really know what the light has to do with
speaking softly in this line. It just doesn't grab me, or
mean anything. If you can explain to me why? you wrote
this line. I'll be truly thankful. Don't expect the listener to know
what you're talking about..
You could've had something like this in line 1::
She/ he speaks softly, for the light is dear. Giving a person
to person feeling in this line. Instead of telling me, show me.
Quote:
Listen to the whispers in your ear
As the night draws near
|
Here's another line that gets me. Who's whispering
in this persons ear. If you had "he or she" in the first line
then I would understand this line. At the moment it's a mystery???
Quote:
The candle wax is slowly sinking
The ring of light is slowly shrinking
|
Cool...
Quote:
(verse 2)
Why can’t you speak her name?
|
Right at this line you have a three person scenario.
You, him and her. I really think it should be just (He and her)
Describe to me the pain he feels inside.
A line like:
He can't speak her name,
As a wave of tears flood his heart,
Somethang in that manner.
Quote:
It would take a little more than pain
To drive that face away
|
I think the second line doesn't suit this verse.
"To erase her memory" or something like that,
I feel will be cool.. Otherwise, you could erase the above lines
and keep the last two lines in V2..
Quote:
He can't speak her name,
As a wave of tears flood his heart,
The ring of light is slowly draining,
The silver moon is slowly waning,
|
It's up to you. If you like your version that's cool with me..
Also in V2, You have five lines. In V1, you have four.
So I guess the meter would be out in V2????
Make sure that you have the same amount of lines
in each verse, to make the meter flow. You may have written
V2 differently to how you voice it???
Quote:
(chorus)
The answers will appear
If you listen very hard
Tune in to the rhythm
Of your beating heart
Flowing to the sound
Of the symphony inside
let the music heal the pain
Open up your mind
|
I've taken out a few words to help this chorus flow.
I've also changed the fifth line, because you had the word
"Open" twice in this chorus. It didn't really work for me.
Remember this is just my opinion.
This lyric would make a good poem.
When you write a song, make sure you know what every
line means, and why you put each word in your lyric.
Does each word represent what you are trying to
portray in the story. Are you painting a picture or telling
me how this person feels. If so, give his or her side, instead
of yours..
It's ok for the public, they won't take notice of the words
if the music is cool. But" one day you may come upon a nosey
songwriter, that has read your lyrics and wants to know
why you wrote certain words in your songs.
Someone may invite you to answer questions at a songwriting
seminar, also to give your view on writing etc.
I don't know anything about poetry. I really do love songwriting.
I'm addicted to it. I liked your lyric in some parts of this song.
I also love your poetry. Wish I was that good...
Sorry for rambling.
If you would like to post your song onto this site.
Go to dmusic.com.... Register, then upload
your song there. When it's uploaded post it here..
I can't wait to listen to it...
dmusic.com
Best wishes....Mouse.
Gordon you're so funny. Try writing songs mate
