Thread: My first song post: "Smoke and Mirrors" [indie pop/mainstream lyrics]

This is my first song post, so allow me to introduce to you my style of songwriting.

What type of lyrics do you write?
If I had to categorize my lyrics to the type of music and singer the genre would defiantly be within: electroclash, trip-hop and indie pop/mainstream.

Although, the structure of my lyrics vary, I try my best to follow a logical format (like telling a story from begging, middle to end). Hooks are important to me, because I usually think up my lyrics first with their Hooks/Chorus and work afterwards on the verses.

The melody is the hardest thing for me. When I write, I sometimes get the music playing in my head and other times I have no idea how the music would match into the lyrics. I strive to have a good rhythm to compensate, as I am only a lyric writer and not a musician or singer.

Introducing my first posted song, for your input and thoughts.

Comments welcomed!

********
Title: Smoke and Mirrors

[Verse 1]
Everything from this day on
Was the result from your come on
Innocent I was turned on
By your charm
Never expecting the storm
That would come along

[Pre-Chorus]
Never did I know you
Never did you know me
Who knew what we could be
Fortunes not turning up
In our green tea

[Chorus]
You were nothing but
Smoke and Mirrors
Smoke and Mirrors
You were never real

You were nothing but
Smoke and Mirrors
Smoke and Mirrors
Never intending
To seal the deal

[Verse 2]
White lies
Pop up on my screen
Antivirus block
My heart screams
Air lock
You had a girlfriend
But never told me
Talk more lies
To me

[Pre-Chorus]
Never did I know you
Never did you know me
Who knew what we could be
Fortunes not turning up
In our green tea

[Chorus]
You were nothing but
Smoke and Mirrors
Smoke and Mirrors
You were never real

You were nothing but
Smoke and Mirrors
Smoke and Mirrors
Never intending
To seal the deal

[Endtro]
Now it’s up to me
To make a new deal
Learning from
The unreal

Thats awesome! keep up the good work. ~hip hop artist.

Originally Posted by Jerry

Thats awesome! keep up the good work. ~hip hop artist.

Thanks Jerry, much appreciated, do you write your own lyrics?

Hi Stephanie, I'm new here. I just read your lyrics and I thought they were excellent. The only suggestion I would make is your rhyme scheme in your 2nd verse doesn't match your first verse. Example:

Everything from this day on/ The first 3 lines rhyme and the last 3 don't.
Was the result from your come on
Innocent I was turned on
By your charm
Never expecting the storm
That would come along


White lies
Pop up on my screen/ The first 3 lines are not rhyming which makes the rhyming scheme a little awkward.
Antivirus block
My heart screams
Air lock
You had a girlfriend
But never told me
Talk more lies
To me


Please take this as a friendly suggestion to help your lyrics. This only from my perspective. Otherwise the lyrics, in my opinion our meaningful, show imagery, and are exceptional for your first lyrics. I enjoyed reading them.


Summer Rose

Originally Posted by Summer Rose

Hi Stephanie, I'm new here. I just read your lyrics and I thought they were excellent. The only suggestion I would make is your rhyme scheme in your 2nd verse doesn't match your first verse. Example:

Everything from this day on/ The first 3 lines rhyme and the last 3 don't.
Was the result from your come on
Innocent I was turned on
By your charm
Never expecting the storm
That would come along


White lies
Pop up on my screen/ The first 3 lines are not rhyming which makes the rhyming scheme a little awkward.
Antivirus block
My heart screams
Air lock
You had a girlfriend
But never told me
Talk more lies
To me


Please take this as a friendly suggestion to help your lyrics. This only from my perspective. Otherwise the lyrics, in my opinion our meaningful, show imagery, and are exceptional for your first lyrics. I enjoyed reading them.


Summer Rose

Welcome to the forum. I’ve been here since last Aug and so far it’s been a positive site to be on. Thanks for your suggestions. I’m the type of person that is like a sponge, I just absorb, filtering out only self-improvement. I will take your advice into consideration. Do you write lyrics? Feel free to PM me the links to your writing on here. Cheers ~ Steph

Yes I just started to write lyrics, most of my songs are at Writing.com. I've written mostly short stories and poetry. Now, I'm trying my hand at lyrics. The songs I've written are mostly Country and Country Rock, Country Gospel. I thought I would find a lyrics feedback forum, because I wanted feedback from others who are also writing lyrics.

Summer Rose

They're not bad for a first set of lyrics. Nothing really stands out as bad...but nothing really grabs the listener-there's not a real narrative hook or an indelible image such as the better sets of lyrics have. This is a fairly common sentiment...and the smoke and mirrors metaphor in the chorus is decent enough, but it would need some development in the verses to have more of an impact.
McCartney's lyric for "I'm Looking Through You" echoes a bit of this.
On the plus side, and way on the plus side, these are singable. I was able to fashion a simple chord progression right away. You're on the right track...I'd suggest looking at the work of lyricists like Paul Simon or Peter Gabriel and seeing how they extend a metaphor over an entire song.

I'm new here and really impressed by that lyric... I've just started to write lyrics so just trying to learn something from this forum...

I liked this, I would have preffered the second verse to be a bit more vague, coming right out with the other girlfriend thing just didn't work for me, however, while reading, I started hearing a melody and singing it to myself ^^ Given, it's probably nothing like what you're thinking (I hear light, a little breathy and melodic) Even the background music started coming through in my head.

This definitely has mainstream appeal.

Great imagery and well structured and worded. Very nice job, great write.